12% BEER
Don't Mess With Texas. Seriously, don't.
  I'm not from Texas.

I just live here.

At the risk of being tied to a oak tree and doused with gasoline mixed with ants that have matches attached to their backs, I will say this.

Texans really think way too much of themselves.

"Yeeeeeeha! Houston's the fattest city in the nation! Let's celebrate by eating a Texas sized loaf of fat!"

"Yippppe Ai Kaaaaaaia. We just executed another mentally handicapped person of minority decent. Our reputation shows that we're a bunch of killing machines. Fuck those people that think that the death penalty is wrong! They can suck on our Texas-sized dicks until they strike oil!"

"Whoot Whoot Whooty Whoot! We've got the largest Hispanic population in the country, after that state over yonder and that other one near yonder. But we'll just ignore that fact and not allow bilingual education into our public schools because this is Texas, dammit and we don't need our children to be exposed to any el Spaniol because it's UnTexan Like."

I recently went to the Texas State History Museum and watched one of the films that explains the history of Texas.. the part that blew me away the most was about the Civil War.

"... then came the Civil War. Texas was fighting brother against brother. Soon after, the worst hurricane in American history struck the coast of Galveston, killing 320 people."

After I came out of the film, I was shaking my head. Later, I conveyed my disbelief to some family friends, three of which are hard core Texans.

"Well, alot of people died in that hurricane.," one of them said.

"They had to build a special wall around Galveston after that.," another added.

"Do you want me to show you my gun? It's a nice gun.," another one said.

I just shut my mouth because I realized that there is no arguing with Texans. You just can't win. You would have to bribe them with a John Wayne movie and free tickets to a Mavericks game to make them admit that Texas has some really huge, gaping flaws.

That's why I have to extend my congratulations to the McDonald's corporation.

We all know that McDonald's is an evil business that cuts down rain forests, throws hot coffee on old ladies, pass chicken heads off as snack items for children, builds its playground equipment out of baby penguins, etc. But I would also point out that sometimes, McDonald's has the most subtle way of giving our culture the big ol' middle finger.

Have you had the Texas Style Hamburger yet? Do they even serve these outside of Texas?

Well, the thing that makes this particular type of hamburger a Texas Style Hamburger is the added amount of pepper to the mustard.

Pepper mixed with mustard= Texan Pride Style.

I was in line at McD's for lunch. Four people around me ordered the Texas Style Hamburger. Exactly .30cents more than a regular Quarter pounder, but dammit, it's got the name Texas on it.

Curious, I ordered one as well. I would have ordered a Louisiana Style Hamburger, which would have consisted of a 'cajun' cooked meat patty that was actually just a burned burger, but they didn't have those.

When I took a bite, I laughed out loud when I realized the difference. That's when I knew that McDonald's may be inherently evil, but sometimes they've got a great sense of humor.

"Yeeeeeeehaw! Pepper and mustard! We're the largest state in the real part of America! Eat our spicy condiment and bow down and pray at the altar that is Texas!"

I know that somewhere, some McDonald's advertising executive is getting a nice big pat on the back for taking advantage of this state's blind pride. Rock on McDonald's clever executive person. Rock on.
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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy