Here's the thing about Lipman. I think I've said this before and if I didn't I probably should have as it's an important thing about him. He's incredibly sensitive.
I love the fact that he's sensitive. He cries at plays. He gets moved by pieces of classical music. He tears up when we make eye contact sometimes. (Don't snicker, it's very sweet.)
But he also gets hurt when you call him a retard. See, he's sensitive.
Lipman doesn't read LadeeLeroy. The couple of times he has read it it's been because I've asked him to. Last night was one of those nights. I wanted him to see the Dancing Meat Inspector entry. He read it, laughed, then went to some of the previous entries, including the "I'm Living With Corky" entry where I told you guys about how he almost burnt the house down. I had told him earlier that I had written about the incident, but I lacked to go into details about how I had called him retarded.
Lipman has a great sense of humor. He is a funny guy himself and surprises me constantly with his quick wit. He's also able to laugh at himself and laugh he did as he read the entry. He laughed so hard he cried.
After reading the entry he said, "I can't believe you called me a retard."
It was obvious that Lipman's feelings had gotten hurt. I apologized. I said I'd take the entry down. I said I'd write an entry about how brilliant and smart he is (and he is) or what a great lover he is or whatever I could do to make up for hurting his feelings. Lipman originally said that he'd just be satisfied with a retraction of my previous statement and that I should just be careful in the future when writing about him.
But then the night went on and it became apparent that the entire thing had really affected him. He was in a really depressed mood for the rest of the evening and would say things like, "I'm really sensitive Bunty." and "I would never say things like that about you." Both of which are true, he wouldn't. I started to feel really crappy about saying that he was retarded to a bunch of people that don't even know him that well. At the sametime, I knew that when I wrote it I wasn't doing it to be hurtful or mean. He said he knew that, but that I should have known that he would possibly get his feelings hurt. (Which I thought about only after I'd posted it.)
We're in bed last night and it all comes out. Lipman has been thinking about his role in LadeeLeroy practically all night and realizes that he doesn't like our relationship being exposed to a bunch of people that don't know him. He used words like "sacred," "private," and "respect." He didn't like the idea that I was sharing some of our most intimate moments with people that I didn't know personally and couldn't understand why I didn't show more restraint when sharing such things. The bottom line of the conversation was that we're both different people and place value on different things. I didn't feel like my sharing stuff about me and Lipman was a big deal. But I could understand how weird it must be to sit at a computer and read about a fight you had with your girlfriend two months ago. Or read about an account of your second date. Or read about a romantic breakfast where you bought a gallon of milk as a present. Or how you have a fetish for baby guppies. Or to read how you did something that might be interpretted as being retarded. And then to realize that you didn't have any say in what was being said or being shared.
How upsetting that must be. A bit violated, yes, I can understand that.
But at the sametime, sharing this part of my life is something that I enjoy doing. I enjoy letting people know about Lipman's loveable quirks and cute antics. And I think other people enjoy reading about them because they identify their relationship in some of our experiences.
Yet those experiences are what Lipman considers sacred and private. These are moments that he feels should be kept for us and us alone because their our moments. And I understand that. I accept that. I may not agree, but I can see how important this is to him and know that I have to make a change to what I share because it affects the way Lipman feels.
And I hate hurting the guy I love. And I hate having him think that I don't respect his need for boundaries or privacy when it comes to my writing. The problem is, I can't draw a line on our relationship and say "I'll only share this much." because it wouldn't be honest to me and it would also paint a feux glow on what I've got with this great, brilliant, funny, hot, sexxxxy man.
This will be the last time I write about Lipman. He's not out of my life, but he is out of LadeeLeroy. Which totally sucks, I realize and I'm sad to make that declaration. But I can't risk having my lover feel like he's put on display purely for the enjoyment of myself and others. It makes him feel used and crappy and I don't want him to feel like that anymore.
That's it. No more Lipman. Please don't think that Lipman is an asshole and don't think that he's being a jerk for saying what he's said. I think that if I were in his shoes, I'd feel the same way and that's why I'm making the decision to not write about him. I'm pissed that it has to be this way, but I can't figure out a way to balance it out to make both Lipman and myself comfortable with it (and I don't want to have another night like I had last night). So it all goes.
Apologies to Lipman for calling him a retard. He's actually very smart and sweet and incredibly attractive. I retract my statements about him being a retard. He was just being human.
And I respect that.