12% BEER
Have You Hugged A Foreign Accent Today?
  Poor Lipman.

Within the last month, his accent has been mistaken as being fake numerous times. When he encounters strangers, they automatically write him off as some dork who sits around practicing saying "cherri-o" and "tut-tut" while sorting through his collection of Absolutely Fabulous and Faulty Towers DVDs. They imagine a giant poster of Judy Dench hanging over our bed as he slowly drifts off to sleep, dreaming of tea... crumpets.... Judy Dench in a wet tea-shirt contest. (***Word play bonus!*** 3+points)

This didn't come with the "How to Date an Australian" handbook. There's no section in the Index that says, "So, people think your Aussie boyfriend is a faux Brit." A catch phrase that I can throw at him that will solve all is not included. The only thing I can think to say is "People are fucking morons, babe." This doesn't seem to help resolve the situation.

The first time I met Lipman, I thought he was British. It's true. When I found out that he was Australian, I was actually really excited because I used to have a thing for Paul Hogan when I was 9. I mean, who didn't, Paul Hogan was hot. I stress again, I was 9. And as I spent more time with Lipman (read: 15 minutes) I could totally tell that he was not British. He was an Aussie. Not like a Paul Hogan type Aussie, more like a, um, other type of Aussie that sounds British than Paul Hogan does but says things like "mate" and "prawn." See, I'm not well versed in the actual phonetic aspects of what Lipman's accent is, but I know it's definitely not British. Who says "Prawn, mate?" The fucking Aussies do, that's who.

I digress.

The past two weeks, Lipman has had 3 people say to him, "Nice fake British accent." Right to his face. This other incident a music critic came to one of his band's shows and wrote up a review saying that the band's music would be better if the "front man stopped acting British".

What the fuck?

I'll say it again.

What the fuck?

Some people are just stupid.

Now I am a member of the People Who Fake Accents Are Idiots club. A proud member. I'm also a member of the People Who Close There Eyes When They Talk To You Are Lame co-op. I understand that there are people out there that will just fake accents all the time. And not like in a "we're drunk and it's fun to act like were from Boston" sort of way all-in-good fun thing. I understand that, it's fun to pretend like you're a gangster or Vivian Lee every once in a while.. But when you do it all the damn time, you've automatically put yourself in a level of Hell. Not a deep level, but a level that will most likely make you peel after 7-10 days. And you will peel for all eternity.

So I guess where I'm going with this is to present a two-part appeal.

Appeal #1: If you meet a random stranger and it sounds like they are sporting an accent other than your own, wait a few moments before jumping to a conclusion that they're mega-foreign-accent-posers. You're a smart person. You've been exposed to things that are real and not real and for the most part, you're able to tell the difference. Do the right thing: judge correctly before getting up in their grill, turkey style. You might make a sweet Aussie cry into his Fosters.

Appeal #2: If you are one of those people who always talks in a fake accent, quit it. Just stop. Not only for your own sake, but for the sake of the people out there that actually have accents. It's stupid. You don't sound real. It makes people hate you and your Mother will love you less than she already does. Damn. I actually just dropped my hands from the keyboard, sighed and shook my head in shame. The cliche' gesture that shows you how much I am disappointed by people like you. Find something else to fake being.... like happiness or confidence. It seems to work for most of the people I know, it can work for you, too.

Thank you.

End of Entry.

Check out some movie clips if you're at work or at home and want to be entertained by short clips of good movies:


My personal favorites are Lonelyland (for egotistical reasons, fatty) and The Wolf and Clip 4.. The DVD is damn awesome. I will never think of Greencard and pink sweat pants the same way. Ever.

Good schtuff. Good schtuff, indeed.

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