12% BEER
Oh, Doctor!
  Every hole in my body was invaded by a complete stranger today.

I even had a couple of holes put in me by cute perky gals in pajama pants and coordinating tops.

My body, the slut, didn't even flinch. The gal took every prick that came its way.

8AM Dentist

10:15 OBGYN (named after the sound one's Cave of Wonders makes as it's cranked open)

11:45 Blood work and check-up.

Are you one of those people that dress up for the doctor's office? I noticed that joining me in most of the waiting rooms were life-like mannequins from the local Talbots and Anne Klein stores. I felt like I showed up to a soccer mom party driving a 76 Toyota Carolla and wearing a Hypercolor shirt that'd gone through 8 dryer cycles.

I don't understand it. The doctor's just going to see you in a paper dress anyway.. why bother.

But that's another rant for another time.

Here's the juicy part.

Before I give it away...

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

It's 8AM in the morning. Ladeeleroy has just entered the dentist's office and is a bit taken aback at the decor.

A poster displaying different types of ducks hangs by pushpins in one corner. There is a fake plant with old candy wrappers sitting in its pot next my chair which has uneven legs.

For some reason, my brain connects the scent of the office with the first dorm room I lived in. It could very well be the cousin of my first dorm room... only it has statuettes of teeth and there's not a drunken roomate puking into my trashcan.

I begin to doubt the statement "my job has good dental insurance."

The dental assistant, Tammy enters the room and is nothing less than nutrasweet. She leads me to the back where my cleaning will take place. The room contains an old desk with piles of papers and dozens of fun-sized Crest tubes litter the shelves above. I sit in a chair, my feet hanging off the end and attempt to somehow keep up with the conversation about aquariums that she is having with me, but really with herself as all I can do is grunt.

(Another side note... does anyone ever get kind of panic stricken when they start to clean your teeth? It's not the pain or the fact that there are pointy objects in your mouth... for me, I can't figure out where the fuck to put my tongue! If I stick to the right, I'll have to move it to the left sooner or later, meaning that my tongue will drag over the assistant's fingers. Ech. If you're a dental assistant, can you tell me what is the best way to handle your tongue while being flossed, scraped, brushed by another person? I would really appreciate it. End of side note.)

Finally, my teeth are cleaned and I've managed to collect a massive amount of saliva in my mouth. Since this dentist's office is the equivalent of a Super 8 Motel in Monroe, Louisiana, there is no sink next to the chair. I have to stand up, walk across the room to a regular sink and spit into it. I then am instructed to use a dixie cup to make sure that 'I got it all out.'

Am I coming across as a dental snob? Apologies if I am.

During all of this, I can't help but notice that NPR is on in the background. It's not unusual for NPR to be played in various places around Austin... but it was a little strange to listen to NPR while sitting in a dormroom/Super8/dentist's office.

"Hm.," I thought to myself. "They get a 4.7 on the first impression, but they're really racking it in with a 9.2 for the ambience."

Tammy leaves and says that she's going to let the doctor know that I'm ready.

"Damn dentists.," I again thought to myself. "Making the ladies do all the work and just come in for an appearance and the pay check.."

I was busy stretching out my arms and legs as they were becoming a bit cramped since the dentist's chair wasn't really compatible with my 6'0" frame when all of a sudden---

"Ah yeah, stretch it out.." said a voice behind me.

I dropped my arms and twisted my head. My neck skin got caught in the chain that was holding my spit bib on.

There, standing before me,


"This could not be the dentist. He's got to be that stripper that I forgot to order and arrange to meet me here," I said to myself.

"And how are we doing on this beautiful Wednesday morning, Miss Leroy?," he asked with a twinkle in his eye and a shimmer off his white, hard teeth.

"I am doing just dandy.," I replied as I tried to cover up the fact that my bib was covered with drool.

"My name is Ty. You can call me Dr. Ty if you want, but I really just prefer Ty."

Ty must have gone to The Hot Male School Of Dentistry because he had it going awn, grrrrrrl. Long hair, but not so long that you figure that he's into Renaissance Festivals. He was wearing a green jungle-themed shirt WITH SNAPS. Unpressed, but good-fittin', butt-enhancin' khakis. Grr.Rowl.

"Nice to meet you Ty. I'm your new patient, Ladee. LadeeLeroy."

"I like your style Ladee. Dig the snaps." he said as he managed to remove my spit bib, neck chain, and coolness in one fair swoop... all in the time it took him to compliment my favorite cowgal shirt.

"Ah thanks. I was going to say the same for yours."

"Thanks. Let's just take a look in your mouth, shall we?"

This is when I turned into 14-year-old PubertyLeroy and began to blush. I got so nervous and my toes curled as I opened my mouth and Ty leaned in close.

Thank God I had just had my teeth brushed by a professional.

Thoughts were racing through my head as he tinkered about in my mouth. 'I wonder if I've got my mouth open too wide.' 'Is my mouth sweating? Why does it feel like my mouth is sweating?' 'Does he think my incisors are sexy?' 'How can he look in my mouth and not think about how big it is?' 'Why am I suddenly associating Tartar build-up with blow jobs? Is that normal?'

After Ty finished his (s)ex(y)amination, he pulled out my X-rays.

"Your wisdom teeth are coming in, but I say if they're not bothering you, let's not do anything about them... unless you wanna come back to visit me again and again?"

Yep. That was me blushing.

"As much as I'd like to, I have a crappy dental plan, so it might not work out."

"I understand. Don't worry. It looks like they're coming in straight, so you'll be all right for the next 6 months. Just make sure that you brush them real good."

"Circular motions?" I said, most likely with a hardened nipple popping through my shirt.

"Exactly. Other than that, you look great. You've never had a cavity, have you?"

"No. I was bombarded with flouride when I was in-utero and then was drowned in flouride tap water for my entire childhood, so I ended up becoming allergic to flouride." Yes, I was blabbering uncontrolably.

"I was allergic to flouride when I was a kid, too!" Ty (s)exclaimed. "Did you have those brown stains on your teeth when you were a kid?"

"I had the nastiest, brown stained-ass teeth. Got the front two capped and bleached." I said, regretting that I used the words 'nastiest', 'brown' and 'ass' all in the same sentence.

"Me, too. I had the exact same thing done." he replied with a smile. "But it helped you out. Your teeth are like healthy rocks."

I never thought that such a saying would make me feel like the sexiest woman in the word. My teeth are healthy rocks.

Ah yeah.

And that was it. Ty bid me fond adieu, reminding me to floss daily, as he made a sexy dental exit.

Tammy then handed me a card reminding me of my next appointment. I thanked her and we exchanged a secret glance that communicated:

Ladeeleroy: Ty is hot.

Tammy: This I know.

Ladeeleroy: I don't know how to repay you for making my teeth and breath so clean. If you had not, Ty would have been disgusted.

Tammy: I am a dental assistant. It is my job to make you look good for the hot dentist. No need to thank me. I'm just doing my job.

Only six more months until my next date with him. Must buy some floss and Whitestrips to prepare.

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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy