12% BEER
Montage Entry
  This is going to be an all over the place sort of entry. A montage of sorts from the last couple of days.

Let's say that the background music is a mix of acid jazz and that the fade-in and -out transitions are of the vertical blind variety. As always, the dialogue is not exact and has been paraphrased and resculpted in my mind.



Lipman: You're depressed.

Leroy: No I'm not.

Lipman: You watch too much television.

Leroy: Television makes me happy.

Lipman: There's a shitty vibe in the house.

Leroy: I was perfectly fine until you started attacking me.

Lipman: I wasn't attacking you, I was expressing my feelings.

Leroy: Your feelings were of the attacking me nature.

Lipman: You have a hair trigger defense mechanism that drives me crazy.

Leroy: I hate the way you attack me in a passive, "I'm just expressing my feelings" sort of way.

Lipman: I just bought a Suburban for $900.

Leroy: Are you changing the subject?

Lipman: Yes.


Director: This part of the script has you bound to a chair. Without untying yourself, you must cross the room and retrieve a glass of water.

Leroy: This sounds like fun. A challenge of sorts. I like this.


Legs: We quit.

Arms: We quit as well.

Forehead: I can't feel the eyebrows any more.

Eyebrows: We're talking to our Union representatives about this. We can't be banged into the ground again and again. We're eyebrows, not shins! We quit.

Knees: We're bleeding on the inside! Bleeeeeeding! Bleeeeeeeeding!

Heart: Keep going!

Head: What the hell are we doing?

Leroy: I'm an actor!

Glass of Water: I'm still way over here.

Chair: I like to bash into you.

Leroy: This will come in handy later. You never know when you'll be kidnapped and tied to a chair and in need of some water for quenching purposes.

Head: I want a new body.

Leroy: This is so much fun.


Lipman: Look at all those kites.

Leroy: A kite festival. Only in Austin.

Lipman: Look at that kite. It's in the shape of a blowfish.

Leroy: Look at that huge salamander kite.

Lipman: They say that it's over 90ft. long.

Leroy: I would love it if this giant salamander kite crashed into the crowd and caused massive injuries. I'd like to read that headline in the paper and watch amateur videos of the incident over and over on the local news. A big floppy salamander kite going down into the scattering crowd. Echoes of screams and tripping in kite string while trying to escape. The testimonials of those in the crowd would be incredible I bet.

Lipman: You're depressed.

Leroy: You just bought a $900 Suburban.

Lipman: Are you changing the subject?

Leroy: I think my eyelids are sun burned.


Producer: We'd love to remount the LadeeLeroy Show at our theater this summer.

Leroy: This sounds good to me.

Producer: We'll be in touch.

Leroy: When?

Producer: Soon.

Leroy: How soon?

Producer: Soon soon.

Leroy: When is soon soon?

Producer: Soon.

Leroy: Ah.


Bank: You have almost no money.

Leroy: I know this.

Insurance: You need to renew this policy.

Leroy: I know this.

Gas Company: You need to pay your bill.

Leroy: I know this.

Police Station: You will soon have a warrant out for your arrest if you don't pay this ticket.

Leroy: I know this.

Prospects for Income: We are in the hazy distance.

Leroy: I know this.

Lipman: I just bought a $900 Suburban.

Leroy: I know this.


Lipman: What do you think?

Leroy: You bought a Suburban?

Lipman: Yeah. It's great. I'm gonna use it to take the band on tour.

Leroy: Wow.

Lipman: Look! It has air conditioning. And the seats are super comfortable. Check out the window tint.

Leroy: I can't believe you bought a Suburban.

Lipman: Aren't you happy?

Leroy: Yeah, I am. I'm so happy for you.

Lipman: I'm gonna park it in the yard.

Leroy: Wow. A suburban. You bought a Suburban because you wanted to and you could so you did.

Lipman: Isn't that great?!?!?!

Leroy: I'm so jealous.


Cancer: Hi. I'm in your friend.

Leroy: You bastard.

Cancer: The only way to get rid of me is through chemo. You know about chemo, don't you?

Leroy: Fuck you, Cancer!

Cancer: Oh, that's right. You do know about cancer and chemo. That's right. You have close encounter knowledge of all of this don't you?

Leroy: Fucking cancer. Getting into places where you don't belong.

Cancer: We'll I can see you're in no mood to talk. I'll be on my way.

Leroy: Leave my fucking friends and family alone cancer!

Cancer: I can't hear you I have no ears.

Leroy: Damn non-listening cancer.

Lipman: I bought a Suburban for $900!

Leroy: SHUT UP.

Lipman: You're depressed.


Lipman: I'm glad we had this talk.

Leroy: I'm sorry I cried so much.

Lipman: I'm sorry I've been such an asshole.

Leroy: Thank you for listening to me and letting me talk about me.

Lipman: I should listen more often. I assume I know what you're feeling when I really don't know what you're feeling.

Leroy: I get so angry sometimes.

Lipman: I get scared of your anger.

Leroy: I feel bad when I talk about myself. I feel like an egomaniac.

Lipman: But if you don't talk about yourself, who will?

Leroy: I don't know.

Lipman: I love you. I love you so much.

Leroy: I love you. I love you so much.

Lipman: Let's snuggle.

Leroy: Let's snuggle in the Suburban.



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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy