Be very very quiet. Shhhh. Don't make a sound. If you speak too loudly, you might wake it.
'Wake what?' you say.
No! Sh. Do not say anything. Just communicate with me through gesture and eye movement.
Okay. We're obviously not communicating very well because you can't see me and I can't see you.
WHO DARE DISTURBS MY MILDEWED SLUMBER?
Runnnnnnnnnnnnn! Runnnnnnn for your life! RUNNNNN.
DOES SOMEONE CHALLENGE ME? DOES SOMEONE CHALLENGE THE GREAT OMINOUS POWER OF DIRTY LAUNDRY?
No. No.... I don't. I just was trying to get to my side of the bed and accidentally tossed a sock onto your large girth.
YOU SHALL PAYYYYYYYYY!
Help! Help! Help dear journal reader! I am in the beast's dirty grasp.
YOUR SCREAMS ARE FUTILE, MORTAL. NOW FEEL MY DIRTY CLOTHES WRATH!
Ah! Ah! No! Help Help.
We are the panties you wore three weeks ago. Launching our old panty crotch sequence!
Oh dear Jeebus! No! No! Old panties on my face! It burns! It burns.
Back off stinky panties. It's my turn.
Yes yes! It is I! Victoria Secret bra! Our cups runneth over with the scent of your BO.
Oh! God, no! No! Get your form fitting underwire cups off of me!
Back off bra bitch. She's mine!
Et tu, favorite shirt from fourth grade?
Don't get nostalgic on me! Look at me! I've got crusty dried up chai tea dribbled down the middle of me! You didn't even take the time to put some stain remover on it, you heartless bitch!
No. Wait. I meant to. I really did.
It's too late. I'm sorry, but I've chosen darkness. Hiyahhhhhhh!
Oh! Oh! Piledriver to the face. Stop stop! The pain! The pain.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, DIRTY LAUNDRY!
Perfect Excuse? Where have you been?
I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC. THERE WAS AN ACCIDENT ON THE UPPER DECK. I GOT HERE AS QUICK AS I COULD, BUT RAN OUT OF GAS ON THE WAY.
That's okay. You're here now, Perfect Excuse. Can you help?
I HURT MY KNEE PLAYING TENNIS, BUT I'LL TRY. HEY PILE OF DIRTY LAUNDRY. I'M TALKING TO YOU!
HRRRMMMPH? WHO ARE YOU?
I'M SORRY, I FORGOT MY NAMETAG IN MY HOTEL ROOM. I'M PERFECT EXCUSE!
YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME PERFECT, EXCUSE! I AM THE LARGEST PILE OF LAUNDRY EVER KNOWN TO LADEELEROY!
LADEELEROY CAN'T TAKE YOU TO THE LAUNDROMAT TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS TOO MUCH TO DO!
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I am defeated!Yippie! Thanks, Perfect Excuse! How can I ever repay you?
I understand. I'll never forget you, Perfect Excuse. You're my hero.