12% BEER
La La La La Lah La LaLa..... La La La La Laah
  (You get 136 points if you can recognize the above song that I'm thinking of.)

My computer recently went through puberty over the weekend. I wasn't really expecting it to hit this point in its life so soon.

But computers grow up so damn fast these days, don't they?

Reply: They sure do.

I'd noticed that "The Big Change" was coming; all the signs were there.

Its beep began to change. When it was first brought into my home, it had a high-pitched, innocent "REEP" greeting when it was switched on. But as time passed and its once pristine, untouched 8gigs of hard drive began to be exposed to Quicktime Movies of a money sniffing its hand after wiping its butt and falling out of a tree and .jpegs or penises dressed up like cowboys, that innocent beep started alternating between high-pitched "REEPS" and low-toned "WARMPS." Its internal ribbons had begun to sprout dust. And, for some reason, it wouldn't want to even talk to us. We were being shut out of our computer's life by our own computer.

It was heartbreaking.

After taking a screw driver in hand, it finally opened up to us. It seems that the computer was having some issues with its Mother Board, as all computers this age tend to do. Being the type of computer owners that we are, we wanted to help the computer get through this trying time for under $200.00.

That's when we told the computer that, since it was unhappy, we were going to take its Mother Board away. It had some problems letting go at first, but once we flashed the screw driver one more time, it quickly complied.

I admit, we went to a back alley dealer to hook ourselves up with a sweet AMD 1.1G. And Lipman thought that he could perform the operation himself as he'd had experience in this sort of 'procedure.' I trusted him. He seemed to be very sure in what he was doing. We also decided that, since we were a little rash in not really talking to the computer about taking its Mother Board away, we should help it avoid abandoment issues by replacing it with a More Pretty Mother Board.

When we returned, we had noticed that the computer had grown outside its power supply and tower, so we went ahead and bought it a new shell.

There were a couple of adjustments that had to be made. At first the computer was acting very confused and pretty upset that we didn't think its hard drive would notice the Mother Board switch. I left the room while Lipman had a "Computer/Programer" chat with it. There was one moment when Lipman got pretty upset about the computer challenging his authority, but it was quickly remedied once Lipman realized he had plugged in a ribbon wrong.

"I'd be upset, too.," I heard him say.


Well now we're all just doing fine. The computer seems much happier now. It makes prettier sounds and runs programs much quicker now. Just now I noticed that the screen saver is moving about 5 times quicker than it was last week.

Who knew the screen saver could move so quickly? I didn't.

Before you know it, the computer is going to have a scanner and a web cam with three extra USB ports to spare.


It's really quite amazing how fucking quickly they grow up.

Now please excuse me... I must figure out how I can stretch the remainder of my paycheck for another two weeks.

Computers do the damndest things.

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