12% BEER
That Ketchup Is Not Fancy
  I decided to go to Whataburger for lunch today. I ordered a #1 with a regular sized Coca-Cola. No cheese.

I had to make my voice as manly as possible because I was using Lipman's ATM card and didn't want them to question me. I know that they probably don't even pay attention to the name on the card and the gender of the person using it, but I didn't want to go to jail on a $4.43 credit card fraud charge.

The woman at the window handed me my regular sized Coca-Cola and asked me if I would like any "Fancy ketchup."

My keen ears perked at the use of "fancy" and "ketchup" used in the same sentence. I did not want to clue the drive-thru lady into my suspicion that she was overating this condiment so asked in a deep voice, "Excuse me?"

"Would you like any fancy ketchup with your meal?", she asked impatiently while eyeing the long line of patrons awaiting their meaty lunch behind me.

"Yes, please. I would like some of your fancy ketchup.," I replied. Perhaps this was some sort of new ketchup that Whattaburger was trying out? Maybe it was a free condiment promotion and the employees of Whataburger were encourgaed to give away as many fancy ketchup containers as they could with a shiny brand new bike as a bribe from the higher ups. 'No more riding the bus for me!,' each one would think as they stuffed bags full of free fancy ketchup.

As soon as I arrived back at work, I unwrapped my dead cow package, sipped a swallow of my tasty beverage and pulled out the Fancy Ketchup container.

It looked no different than ketchup containers I'd received from Whattaburger in the past. It did feel heavier, but not in a fancy sort of way. Peeling away it's protective wrapper, I looked at the ketchup.

It did not look fancy to me. Perhaps the watery film on top was intended to be fancy, but I just found it repulsive. I checked the label of the container again.

Yep, it said Fancy Ketchup. Not Repulsive Putrid Kethcup.

Reluctantly, I dipped my french fry in and nibbled at the coated portion.

Oh. This ketchup was ketchsuck. Not in the least fancy. I looked at the ingedients and the first listed was Tomato Concentrate.

They must have used some Retarded Tomatos because whatever was in this container wasn't concentrating enough.

(Yes. I am a cornball. Bow down to my incredible puns of merriment.)

So I decied to contact the folks at Whataburger and ask them why they think their ketchup deserves to be bestowed with the term "fancy". Below is the e-mail sent to my area whatarepresentative:

June 6, 2002

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am a faithful patron of your fine eatery. Many a nights have I spent in your drive thru lane, eagerly awaiting the tasty morsels that your well-trained staff would prepare to my liking.

You should imagine my surprise and dismay when I was given a ketchup container that promised me that the contents inside would be "fancy." I wanted to scream at it and call it a "Dirty lying condiment whore!" as I threw it against the wall and caused its innards to streak across my office's dry erase board. However, I remained logical and instead threw the container away.

I was forced to eat my Whatafries dry.

I was very Whatadisappointed.

In the future, I would recommend that you do not grace the packaging of your ketchup containers with the words "Fancy" and "Ketchup." I would recommend editing the phrase to just "Ketchup" or even "Catsup" for those of us who find the latter to be more charming and less offensive.

Please make the needed changes at once. There are many out there less intelligent than I who may actually find that your ketchup is, indeed 'fancy' and may apply the same 'fancy' standards to their everyday life. I shudder to think of the tackiness that may result if your use of the word does not halt immediatly.

Thank you for your time and promst response to this matter.


Ladee Leroy

Dipper of Fries

I don't know if they'll actually respond to my request, but something must be done, dammit!

Think of the children! Think of the chilllldren!

Even the "Fancy" Ketchup container knows that its life is a lie.
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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy