12% BEER
No. I will not say "Yee Haw" for you. Now if you excuse me, I have to go kick some shit.
  Dear JournalCon People That Are Coming To Austin:

This is my official welcome to Austin entry. A tip: don't hang out on 6th street too long. If you do you will most likely buy a sexual apparatus or fall in love with Leslie, our unofficial-transgender-welcoming- mayoral-candidate-wagon. You will know him by his winning smile and bright pink exposed thong with heels. Buy him a drink. He's a fascinating gal.

Right off the bat: grap yourself a copy of the Austin Chronicle. If you're too lazy, here's a link: READ ME. It will give you a run down of what's happening and where and why and why you should even care. Check out your horoscope while you're at it to see if you will be mugging down as prayed for.

Other things to do in Austin if you want to skip out on the panels, which you shouldn't as a bunch of people have worked damn hard on it. Go to the Congress Avenue bridge at around sunset. Smell the bat shit. Watch them leave by the millions and ask yourself, "What am I doing standing on a bridge in the middle of Austin when I could be out drinking or carrying on in a rock n' roll lifestyle fashion?" Look out in a gazey sort of way. Think about jumping off bridge. Then decide it is best not to. Environmentalists will drag your bedraggled body from the river and beat you until you come back to life and die again. "DON'T FUCK WITH OUR ECOSYSTEM YOU FUCKING TOURIST!"

Yes. It's true. Austin is the live music capital of the world. The entire damn world. There is live music everywhere. Every. Where. Don't challenge Austin to a live music capital arm wrestling match. You will not win. You will not.

Do not look for live music on 6th street. Go to 7th street if you want to see something live and "edge like." If you cannot drag yourself away from 6th street, go to Flamingo Cantina... or fuck it... go to the Velveeta Room where your friend and diaryland alumnus J. Hamilton will be headlining. If you must go to Esther's Follies, do it. But be aware that once you sit down and have your two drink minimum you are officially a tourist. You will be judged harshly. Because that's what all Austinites are. Judddddgemental. I kid.

Or do I? Your pants do not suck. They look nice when you wear them in your own city.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh damn. Harsh.

While on 6th street count how many girls you see wearing red shirts with black skirts and high heels. Make it a game. If this game does not suit you, count how many times you hear a bar barker say "Lonestar" and "Special." This will entertain you for moments.

On Saturday, you should come to The Hideout on 7th and Congress and check out some live entertainment from yours truly. I'll be doing some acty acty muggy muggy stuff for your laughy laughy thinky thinky pleasure and will quickly wisk away as it is Lipman's 30th birthday.

Other than that, track me down. I'm actually a very shy person so do not expect me to be all whackified and what not. I will be the one standing in the corner wishing that I updated more often.

Enjoy your time in Austin.



PS. Don't Mess With Texas. I'm fucking serious. They'll mess you up creamy ranch style if you do.

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