12% BEER
I kissed a gal for the 5th time.
  For lack of anything more interesting to write about, let me tell you about the girl on girl action I was a part of last weekend.

Google hits be damned, I'm going to let you in on this part of my life even if it means I have to put up with more hits.


In my life, I've had to kiss a total of about 4 girls. Before you jump to conclusions about my swinging lifestyle, let me clarify that every experience was purely for the sake of good theater.

Most of the times that I've engaged in girl kissing, I've always been the dominant one. This is usually because I don't really have any hang ups about homosexuality and also because I consider myself to be a damn good kisser.

I was not given these luscious lips only to please the male gender. They are a gift for all.

Usually when being involved in a girl on girl kiss, I would make sure that the gal who was about to be gifted with such a luscious lip locking was comfortable with the moves that I was going to be using.

"There's going to be a little lip licking at first," I'll state.

The kissee will usually blink a couple of times as this information sinks in.

"I'll then move onto engaging your top lip in between mine and then we'll just go with the flow from there, capiche?"

Never has the other gal ever verbalized anything to the effect of "sounds good to me." Usually its an uncomfortable nod or an avoidance of eye contact all together.

I like to write that kind of reaction off to them being totally blown away with my no-nonsense approach to gal on gal kissing. /P>

If tongue is called for, I'll ask the gal if she's comfortable with returning said tonguage.

"I'm not talking bulemic tongue action here," I'll say, "I'm talking more tip swirling and what not."

It's at this point that I can guage how this girl on girl stage kiss is going to go. If there's a smirking, sly smile that lurks beneath the gal's facial expression, I know that this stage kiss is going to be hot and rocking. If there's true terror in the eyes, I know that I'm going to have to use the 'make it look like it's a hot make-out session when in fact it's a shitty make-out session' technique that involves sheilding the actual kiss from the audience with an arm and hand-to-face combo.

Either way, I always come out looking like the ultimate Girl Kisser.

Last weekend, however, was a totally different story.

This was not going to be a stage kiss. This was not a 'you nail it once a night' kind of thing.

This was on film.

From three different angles, meaning that there were going to be about a dozen kissing sessions involved to work in lighting, sound, and camera angle.

I was nervous. I was even more nervous when the gal I was going to be making out with knew me from the improv scene and looked up to me as a sort of mentor for theater. (She even chose to go to the same school I went to for college so that she could major in theater.) She was also 6 years younger than I was and had never kissed a girl in her life.

All of these factors made me incredibly nervous. Throw in the fact that this girl was incredibly adorable and that we'd be doing all this mugging down while dressed in silky pajamas in front of a roaring fire and 14 crew guys, you could say that I was a bit worried that my reputation as LadeeLeroy Excellent Girl Kisser was at stake.

I went through my usual run down of events with the adorable 18 year old.

"Okay. I'm probably going to lick your lips first."

"Oh, that'll be good." She responded.

I gulped.

"Then I'll probably engage your upper lip in between mine and move onto the full kiss."

She smiled sweetly and nodded.

"Gulp. Then, I'm just going to go full on with the tongue and nibble. If I hit your teeth accidentally, I apologize."

"Oh, no problem. I trust you."

"Ahha. Okay. That sounds good."

We then went to make-up and costume and I reeled over and over in my head how I pictured everything would go. In the Brain Vision, it looked hot. In my Paranoia Vision, I looked like a girl who didn't know what I was doing. I expressed my concern to the make-up artist.

"I'm just so nervous. I mean, I'm not nervous about the actual kiss, I'm just nervous that I'm not going to kiss her RIGHT. You know? I mean, I'm a chick and she's a chick. And I know, as a chick, how I'd want to be kissed by another person to make it the hottest, bestest kiss ever. There's added pressure because I want to kiss her like I'd want to be kissed by a chick."

The make-up artist, who I'm sure had heard it all just nodded and reassured me and then added, "Oh yeah, and you'll be smoking in this scene. Did you get that change?"



This changes everything! Smoking adds the entire breath factor and sexy smoke factor in and it'll totally fuck up my timing and make my lips cotton like and my tongue slimy like!


But it was too late. I had to go to set.

When I walked in, a couple of cat calls were made about my silky PJ outfit and the wig I had on that made me look like a 50-something year old woman.

Adorable Kissee Gal was already set in front of the roaring fire, flipping the pages of her prop magazine. I layed down next to her, got the camera angle check, light check, and sound check all in order.

A cigarette was handed to me and a rehearsal was asked for.

Everything went according to plan. The cigarette was not lit, as we didn't want to waste a perfectly lit cigarette for a mere rehearsed make-out session, so I mimed the sexy smoke blowing, etc.

Lip lick. Perfect.

Engaged top lip with mine. Excellent.

Nibbling. Oh. Nice touch.

Tonguing. Not too extreme, but just enough to get the impression that we were, indeed, "Into It."

After the rehearsal was over, we both giggled for lack of any better response.

Reset. Cigarette lit. Action.

Inhale cigarette. Okay. Looked a little forced, but what's done is done.

Lip Lick. Nice.

Exhale cigarette. Oh! Maybe not after the Lip Lick, but it added to the comedic aspect.

Nibble Nibble. All According to plan.


More tongue.

Even more tongue.

It's then that I realized that I was not controlling this make out session as we had previously discussed. This adorable gal was all over me! As I am a professional and never am one to stifle another's creativity, I went along with it.. all the while keeping the cigarette away from my acrylic hair and her flamable pajamas.

It was then that the director said, "Roll around on top of each other..."

I didn't even have a second to comprehend what he just said when the little itty bitty adorable 18 year old threw herself on top of me, all the while tongue in mouth and forced my much larger body to go along with the rolling, tangled legs, passionate, yet innocent, motion.

It was at this point that I knew that there was no way I was going to let my Dad watch this short.

It was also at this point that I realized that I was no longer nervous. I was actually having a blast and a half.

I mean, come on? How many chances in life am I going to get to make out with an adorable 18 year old girl that thinks I'm the bomb with no strings attached all the while smoking a cigarette that I didn't have to purchase?

I'm glad we understand each other.

After the director was finally satisfied and, most likely, hot from all the heat in the room (lets not forget the roaring fire, people), everyone gathered around the monitor for playback.

Onto the screen came me and the adorable gal, exchanging our lines in a most flippant manner that would not tell you that a make-out session was about to occur and then BAM... GIRLS MAKING OUT.

I thought that people would compliment us on the agility and impulsive manner in which we displayed our affections.

Instead all I got was, "Damn, LadeeLeroy... you kept that cigarette in your hand the entire time and didn't burn a damn thing."

It was true. Rolling back and forth... legs getting stuck in strange places, wig getting pushed all askew... there, with my arm completely extended, I managed to gracefully hold onto that cigarette the entire time.

It looked like I kissed girls while smoking cigarettes all the time.

What can I say? I'm a natural.

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