12% BEER
I'm Really Not One Of Those People. Now Excuse Me As I Have A Tarot Appointment To Keep
My life has been nothing but a big pile of crap that's been eaten and crapped out again by a crap monster. Everything has been completely crap-fucked. I've had this lingering self doubt for the last 4 days. Doubt about everything. Every. Fucking. Little. Thing.

There's been this feeling of unevenness as of late. The ol' heart has been feeling kind of achy in an anxious uncomfortable way. I've been weary.

Weary is a good word because it's a cross of feeling really fucking tired and kind of weepy and maybe a little stomach indigestion thrown in for shits and no giggles.

Sitting on the couch eating fast food with Lipman. Lipman, who has been absorbing my weirdness and must think that I'm truly one of those crazy women that I always swore I wasn't.

On the verge of tears, I'm talking about something as mundane as what my plans are for the night when I suddenly cannot stop my mouth from expelling every thought from my head.

"I don't know if I want to go to the Open Mic because I'm gonna be at Velveeta Room tomorrow to check out the sets but at the same time I feel like I should go because maybe I should get into stand up but why the hell would I want to subject myself to that sort of pain when I could just throw myself against a giant wall with nails but of course where am I going to find a giant wall of nails no where that's where and why would there be a giant wall of nails in the first place because children could accidentally run into it because that's what they do they run into things and I should start running or something I need to do something because it feels like my life is going somewhere and I don't know where it's going and who the hell do I think I am in the first place and oh wow they put bacon on this hamburger and I didn't even ask for it that's kinda cool why does it feel like I'm going to cry what's going on with me I think I'm going crazy and am about to explode and I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or a valid thing to be and I think I'm jealous of every person I meet and why do I do that to myself that's not cool can we watch the final reveal for Extreme Makeover because there was this woman on who's husband died and she had to have 10 teeth pulled?"

Lipman just takes a bite of his hamburger and says, "Huh..... Um. Well. Maybe you should um just face your fears and um yeah..... can I see what your bacon hamburger looks like?" I sigh.

Lipman doesn't understand. He does in his own way, but he doesn't. It's really very sweet that he's at least trying.

Then the phone rings. It's Wakey.

"Leroy. I'm so sorry that I've been acting so bitchy lately. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"What are you talking about? I'M the one that's been all weird and not knowing what the hell is going on and making everyone around me feel like they want to cry!"

"No no no. It's me! I've been completely mean and bitchy to everyone around me."

"No no no. You are so very wrong. Because you are not bitchy. I'm the one that's such the bitch. When I think 'Bitch' I do not think of you. I think of me. 'Bitch. Me.' That's what I think. Say it ten times fast and it sounds just like 'Bitchy' because that's what I am. Bitchy."

"No. No. You are so just dealing with life. Like you always do. Your personal stuff."

"No. No I'm not dealing at all. There's something wrong. I don't know what it is. Something is weird with me."

Suddenly Wakey gasps.

"Leroy... do you know what it is???????"

PMS? Aliens? Aluminum unwillingly being absorbed through my armpits? A side affect from that fly I swallowed on Tuesday?

"I have no clue Wakey. Not a clue at all."

"It's MARS."

My jaw dropped open.


Dear Reader... I know that sounds completely strange. I know it makes me out to seem like some chick who has about 1000000004 dream catchers hanging over her bed. That I participate in portal openings and live in a bleeding hut every 28 days. But I am not that person. I repeat. I am not that person.

However, I do have to say that this is the only explanation I have for my recent feelings of discombobulation.


Damn you Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaars! Damn you for coming so fucking close to the Earth so that all can see your great shiny red charm! Get the fuck back to your original rotation in the Universe. Your present visit to our neighborhood is making my life a complete Hell Hole Of Hellishness Helldom. I blame you for it! You Mars! YOU!

With your Red. And your Mythological name. Thinking that you're all cool and shit because your name is equated with the God of War and weird gassy atmospheres.

But you know what Mars? I'm so not even impressed by you. I'm not. I think that you are a sub par planet. Venus could kick your red ass any day. Fuuuuuuuuuck, Mercury could probably take you down too... and everyone knows that Mercury is an old as shit planet. Jupiter isn't even pointing it's big old storm eye thing at you because Jupiter knows that you're just some stupid floating rock. You remind me of an insecure frat boy Mars. I don't know why and I don't need to know why because that's the way I feel and FUCK YOU MARS! FUCK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR MARS' HOLE.


God. That makes me feel so much better. It really does.


Wow. I really feel relieved to know that this has absolutely nothing to do with me and has everything to do with the positioning of the planets.

Donít look at me like that.

Mars is probably fucking your shit up to and you donít even know it.

Now. Where the fuck did I put that smudge stick?

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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy