The last four days have been nothing but me sitting on my couch vegging out watching FOX.
Oh, FOX Television, ye grand, soothing prozac of the masses. Numbing the pain of life with your brainless antics. I willingly insert your habitual ways directly into my eyeball to insure that your narcotic hits my brain and filters through my body.. causing side affects that include but are not limited to yearnings for popcorn chicken from KFC and coma-like naps that result in sweaty awakenings.
Have you ever had moments in your life where you are completely detached from everything that goes on around you?
That's what it's been like for me; watching every moment of my weekend like it's a really really boring film where the main character does nothing but sleep and watch television..
I've been depressed before.
Not the full out sleepless, not eating, suicidal thought type of depression. Just your average I-don't-want-to-do-anything-that-would-require-talking-or-associating-with-the-outside-world sort of depression.
Crying jags? Oh yeah, they've been the only steady visitor that's barged its way into my domicile.
Mood swings? Fuck yeah. One high light of my weekend is when I was sick of being inside all day, so I went to Home Depot and bought a shovel. I figured that I'd dig in the garden, maybe make a little flower patch for the new cottage. Bought the shovel, got home and decided that shoveling is stupid. Went inside and took a nap instead.
Hermit-like behavior? I didn't pick up the phone once for the last four days. I let the answering machine get every single call. The one time I did pick up the phone was when the Moms called and I ended up spending about 45 minutes crying and then another 30 minutes laughing about something that I can't recall now.
Self-Medicating? Not yet. Although I will admit that every inch of my being on Sunday night wanted to smoke a cigarette. Instead, I just made Bar-B-Q Chicken and drank some Limeade.
All in all I'm doing okay. The overall feeling is one of numbness mixed in with complete exhaustion. One would think that, after spending the majority of the last 72 hours sleeping, I would be well rested. But sleeping and sitting and crying takes a crap of time and energy out of you. It also completely deprives you out of having any sense of humor, hence a boring entry.
The Alex Update: His chemo finished up this weekend. One day I would call and he would only be able to answer my questions and comments with grunts and moans and then hand the phone to his Mom so that he could puke. The next day I would call and we'd talk for half an hour or so about the finer points of Monty Python. The day after I would speak with his Mom on the phone, hearing him wince and grunt with pain in the background due to stomach cramping.
It's a mother fucking roller coaster ride. They tell you to keep your arms inside the car at all times, but sometimes you can't help but throw them to the sky and shout, "WHY DOES ALL THIS SHIT HAVE TO HAPPEN? I KNOW LIFE IS UNFAIR- BUT, REALLY HOW UNFAIR CAN YOU GET?" Then your hands return to your lap, reach for the remote and all the questions get drowned out by "World's Worst Police Chases" and the empty, crappy feeling you have inside gets temporarily stuffed with a gyro and an Ultra-Light.
Such is the way of depression.
God. Only a couple more days and I know that I'll be back to my normal self.
In the meantime, a bland LadeeLeroy will have to suffice. Such is the way.