12% BEER
  Tip #1: Right off the bat, when you get to the awards ceremony, you should figure out when your category is going to be announced. Let's say that your category is "Best Person That Did Something Fantastic." And let's also assume that the ceremony starts at 7:00PM. If both of these are, indeed, true, you should realize that your category is not going to be announced until after the other categories like, "Best Violin that Played in A Violin Thing" and "A Piece of Art That Was Viewed Four Times By The Same Person."

Tip #2: This is somewhat related to Tip #1. Pace yourself on the drinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all artists. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all like to have a couple drinks now and then. But when you throw artists into a club that allows smoking, heckling, has waitresses and force them to sit through a 4 hour ceremony, some of them are going to have more than the two drink minimum. Some of us may actually have five or more drinks. And if I happen to be one of those people that have five or more drinks, I should realize that perhaps I should pace the rate at which I guzzle down the beverages of my choice.

Tip #3: The more you drink, the less nervous you'll be.

Tip #4: The more you drink, the faster the adrenaline will pump to your heart, legs and brain when you actually do win an award.

Tip #5: When accepting your award, make sure that when you are screaming, "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" at the top of your lungs that you are away from the microphone.

Tip #6: For the love of God, don't do a little jig. Yes, you'll be incredibly excited. Yes, you won't be able to actually FEEL your legs at that point, but realize that the fact that your frame of vision is bouncing up and down and all around because your body is actually jumping up and down and all around.

Tip #7: If you happen to forget Tip #6 it's okay. People will remind you about it and actually impersonate you later so that you won't be able to forget. Ever.

Tip #8: Leave the words "Fucking cool and shit" out of your little gratitude speech. Sometimes, people that are older than you will be offended.

Tip #9: Deleted.

Tip #10: Even if you ignore the above tips, still know that everything you said/did/spilled was done in the most sincere manner and if anyone really has a problem with your sincerity they can just kiss your ass.

Tip #11: Patting yourself on the back is not egotistical. It is okay to be proud of yourself. You deserve it. You worked hard. Way to go.

Tip #12: Don't put award in pocket. Especially if award is made out of paper.

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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy