Dear Asshole Who Stole My Vacuum Cleaner That I Got As A Christmas Present From My Mom Even Though I Didn't Ask For It,
Yes the pun is intended and I hope that you also catch a whiff of my hateful disdain for people like you.
I haven't even moved into my new house and you've managed to ruin my feelings of safety and happiness for what will soon be mi casa with one singe act of theft.
If I had super Nancy Drew sleuthing powers, I'd be starting my next case, Mystery of The Missing Hoover. Me, Bess, George, and Ned would track your ass down and mangle you Nancy Drew style.
There would be a cool looking picture in Chapter 19 with the caption "Nancy Drew did not hesitate ripping out the theif's scrotum through his jeans."
I hope you that your dick gets caught in the curtain cleaning apparatus, causing you to never have the ability to jack off again. Over time, what is left of your genitalia would callous over and your friends and co-workers would start calling you "Ken."
I can't believe that you stole my Hoover. That's just low.
Now if you'll excuse me, I must continue to try and clean my apartment's carpet with a large amount of tape wrapped around my hand.
I sure do hate scum like you.
Victim of Theft
PS. You're An Asshole