12% BEER
I took a break and sprayed my mouth with compressed air while writing this. Because that's what 25-year-olds do sometimes.
  I'm turning 26 in a couple of days.

I'm not really sure what to think of that. It's 4 years away from 30 and 26 years away from zygote. That's pretty much the gage I have on it.

I think my parents got married when they were 26. I can't imagine getting married right now. I still haven't figured out how to do laundry on a semi-regular basis, can't seem to keep a balanced checking account and haven't bought a new tooth brush for sometime now. These are all things that I think I have to know how to do before I even consider marriage. As I type, I'm wearing sweat pants inside out because I can't remember when they were last washed and have on a t-shirt I got from church when I was 6. It says, "Growing with All Souls" and has a happy daisy with only one eye because the other one fell off from age. The daisy doesn't seem to mind the lack of eyeage because it's being raised in an agnostic religious environment where it can grow and feel comfortable with its one eyed and revel in its blessing. Was that a mini-Unitarian rant right there? Pardon. Bottom line: The shirt is kind of tight, but it's clean.

Here's what I've decided I want to do while in my 26th year:

* I'd like to get my eyebrows waxed. Never have waxed anything intentionally before (accidentally, yes) and have always admired the cleaness of the waxed brow. I think I will mark it up as an act of ego, as I tend to supress the dear thing from time to time fearing that I will not be the humble type of person that I strive to be. Humble girls do not put value in such things as eyebrow waxing. To do so would mean that she would actually want people to notice a Air-stream like quality in her eyebrows. Being 26 soon, I think that I won't mind a compliment on the brows. "Holy shit. Your eyebrows are so fucking hot and I conclude that, because of their awesomeness, you are a whole and balanced individual. Make out with me."

* I want to eat more fruits. They're cheap. They're good for you. Why am I not eating them?

* I need to come to terms with the idea of paying for car insurance on a year-round basis, not just when I get a ticket for failure to provide proof of being insured. Before, I was of the mindset that car insurance was a big fucking scam that robbed good drivers of hard-earned bling bling. Now, I am realizing that car insurance is the equivalent of putting an accident you haven't had yet on lay away. I feel like an adult coming to this conclusion. Good for me.

* I really do need to buy a tooth brush at least every three months. I don't know why I'm so stubborn about replacing them. I think that perhaps I have some sort of Freudian/Oral fixation/affection for things that I put in my mouth and not letting them go as I don't want them to feel rejected. Read as much into that as you'd like. Or don't. I'm almost 26 and really don't care what you do.

* I need to be more active about pursuing what I want to do in life. The going with the flow technique is just fine, but sometimes sitting in the flow for too long will lead to an outbreak of restless rash. Restless rash is an annoying thing to have and the only way to quelch its burning sensation is to apply some sort of Pro-active ointment. I speak in metaphors. It's easier for me at times.

* Maybe I should look into getting a new couch. The old one now is a bungalow for fire ants and that's not cool.

Any other suggestions for what to do in the 26th year of life are more than welcome. Rest assured, I will still maintain other aspects of the rockin' Leroy lifestyle, only with the slightest amendments to make this entire 'growing up' idea a little bit more entertaining.

On that note, I'm going to go make myself a nice cup of Ovaltine, curl up with my favorite stuffed animal and read old Nancy Drew books, because I'm still 25, dammit.

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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy