12% BEER
Stupid Human Tricks For Your Amusement
  An inspiration after reading this.

It was the third date I ever had with Lipman. The third date is usually the one where you're comfortable enough with each other to actually lean on one another in public, slyly glance at one another in opportune moments, and give out all signals that you are hot for teacher.

Of course, by the third date, I'd already seen Lipman naked twice beforehand and wasn't too nervous about the after date activities. (Slut? Naaaah. Just horny.) I knew what was going to go down. (Him.) And I knew that we were pretty much on the same page on the entire feel of the relationship flow.

The only thing I was not sure of was if Lipman knew how incredibly cool I was.

Okay, okay, okay. I know that probably sounds self-centered and makes me out to seem like a person that constantly does vanity checks while passing shiny objects. But that's not what I mean.

He really had never seen me in my Cool State.



  • Nurturer/Cuddly/Mammary Leaking State: This is the state where I talk in an annoying voice, nick-naming everything in sight and snuggle up against anything snuggable. Much like a cat in heat, except with verbal skills.
  • Bitchy/Pay Attention To Me/Fuck Those People State: This is the state that I find myself in when I'm stressed out about something, but for some reason cannot articulate what exactly is pissing me off. And, since I can't put my finger on it, I just kind of bristle at anything mildly annoying or out of my control. I get too blunt with people. I get extremely defensive if anyone gives me any sort of advice dealing with my character or my actions. I'm just a total bitch- and, as a result, my mind somehow thinks that acting like a total bitch at times will get me the attention and comfort that deep down I really need. It's hard asking people to help you make yourself feel better. That's so co-dependant, but this state is definitly not the way to achieve what you really need.
  • State Of Herman Hesse: This is the state where I am the OM Bomb. Crystal-clear clarity. I understand every thought in my head. I am able to communicate with other people in a manner where using actual words is not needed because my peaceful, serene vibes are enough. I am happiest in this state. Unfortunately, this state seems to make its most appearances when I am drunk. However, there are times where the State of Herman Hesse is achieved purely after watching an episode of CoPs or just having a really kick ass day.
  • Cool State: The Cool state consists of hard-core Ladeeleroy. This is when she is on her social roll. She can talk to anyone. She can make anyone laugh. She makes rounds at parties and lights other people's cigarettes. She collects telephone numbers from random guys that she's wooed in a manner of seconds. Ladeeleroy is in her peak Aquarius/Freedom Loving/Living Life To The Fullest Mode.
  • ***END OF SIDE NOTE***

    So it's our third date and he has no clue what this gal by his side is capable of. The conversation is going great. Connections are being made. Jokes are being thrown every which way. Political debates ensue. Everything is going fine.

    This is when Lipman hops, effortlessly, over a bike rack. No sweat. He just jumps over it like OJ in a rental car commercial.

    "Hm. That was a nice little jump the Lipman just made. I must show him that I, too, am capable of making the smooth hop."

    That's when I see a parking meter about 30 feet away from me. I turn to Lipman, give him a sort of "Check this out" head/eye/shoulder gesture, and start running full force towards the parking meter.

    Here's what I was planning to do: Much like a gymnast attacks a pummel horse, I was going to brace my hands onto the top of the four foot parking meter, straighten my arms and lift my body over the meter using the inertia that would result from my running start. Then, after clearing the meter, I would land, two feet on the ground and turn to Lipman with a Mary Lou Retton smile.

    Then he would know how Cool I was.

    Here's what actually happened: I run full force at this parking meter. The wind is whipping through my hair. My baggy jeans cling to the front of my legs as the wind presses me back. I leap into the air, and both hands land awkwardly on the head of the parking meter. Of course, this was not planned. As a result, inertia decided to take a break and my crotch.... my beautiful well maintained crotch... slams right into the face of the parking meter. Of course, this was not planned either. This is when inertia decides to kick in and flings my gangly, wrecked body to the pavement below. There, my hip, ass, and right shoulder would make contact at the sametime, all for the amusement of about 55 people gathered outside Austin's Historic Paramount Theater. The 55 people gasped at the sametime. Some of them even groaned, not because of the pain I just inflicted on myself, but because they were embarassed for me.

    Hoping that perhaps all of this occured while Lipman was in the middle of a long blink, I quickly jumped to my feet and said, "Damn. That was so fucking cool, huh?"

    That's when Lipman laughed his ass off at me.

    And that's when I noticed my ego, shoulder, and crotch all start to throb with pain.

    Lipman, being the nice guy that he is, soon realized he was laughing pretty loud and asked in between puffs of breaths, "Oh, dawling. Are you okay?"

    I couldn't answer for a couple of seconds. I wanted to leave the area as quickly as possible, and making the largest strides that I could, I got away from the 55 gawking theater pitty party-throwing goers.

    "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I'm totally cool," I lied. That's when my crotch went numb and my shoulder and ass started to get endorphins pumped into them.

    "Why did you do that?!?!," Lipman asked when he finally caught his breath.

    "I was trying to show off for you." I admitted.

    "Oh, you are just too damn cute.," Lipman responded. "Too damn cute."

    That's when he, for the first time, wrapped his arm around me in public and walked us to the closest bar we could find so that I could sit down and nurse my aching body and ego in a fresh brewsky and a game of pool.

    Smooching did occur later on in the evening. If anything below the belt occured, I can't tell you because I didn't regain feeling in my crotch until the next afternoon.

    I am the coolest person ever.

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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy