12% BEER
Immunity Challenge #1- Carol Channing Vs. Godzilla

All was tranquil on the island.

The new contestants of the Diaryland Survivor Crew were enjoying getting to know one another.

Throcky was readjusting some of her most previous drafts, trying to get the wordage of her newly adapted novel, Pride and More Predjudiced just perfect. "Yes, I do recollect that I may never be the next Jane Austen," she stated while flicking a small memory of her past to the side, to be jested at a later moment, "but it does not hurt one to try their literary skills at every moment." The other Survivors just nodded, as they had already been blown away by her vast vocabulary and expert use of comma phrases.

Milkmaid was busy reading a choose your own adventure book. "Someone once said that Unitarianism was alot like one of these books," she said. "But now that I read this, I realize that they are a dogmatic bastard. When I get off this island, I'm going to start a letter writing campaign because the world just cannot stand for this type of behavior!" She then said a small prayer to the higher power that is in charge of automatic VCR recordings that her machine was taping the most recent episode of Queer As Folk.

Lampshade was off in the deep jungle, making a note of every type of fruit, vegetable, starch, and juice concentrate available- for she was going to prepare a mighty feast! If only she could find some damn bamboo... then everything would be perfect!

AlltheRage and MyChai were comparing their various stories on boobies. They glanced over at Racer96 making odd shapes with sticks and stones in the shape of o/o/. "Heh, heh... that looks like boobies with penises inbetween them..." the two male types chuckled. Racer96 rolled his eyes and wished that there were larger coconuts on the island that could fit his head... for he missed his mighty helmet.

Malkavia, in the meantime, was no where to be seen. There were rumors that she had decided to take place in another Diaryland contest called "Temptation Diaryland." But these rumors were not confirmed... all the less, many were disappointed that having access to her proved difficult.

Ravenworld found a rock. "I'll call it Simon." She then chuckled at the irony of having a Simon Rock.

Meanwhile, on the shore, Mariel was busy constructing a sandman in the shape of Mr. Darcy. She sighed as she could not get his nose and perfect sexy hair just right. She picked up a spork to try and taper his features perfectly.
Tickle-Me-BB walked up and offered her help, "I'll give you a hand, lil' Sheila."
"Buggar! I just can't get this knife to work. Now my Mr. Darcy will never meet the perfections of the real Mr. Darcy!" Tickle-Me-BB looked at the spork and said, "That's not a knife." She quickly pulled out a large bowie knife, "Now that's a knife."

Mattu was busy tutoring some of the island's natives in the correct use of the phrase "What the fuck."

"Fuck The When," the natives repeated back.

Meanwhile, Jenistar was looking at a starfish. A rush came through her body... a wonderful, tingly rush. She was glad to know that she was still capable of having such feelings. "I mean, I'd never have sex with a star fish... but, you know, it's just nice to know that part of me is alive.," she said to herself.

Confruzzled was somewhere on the island drinking one too many beers. "My dad will never know... I'm on a fucking island... BOOOOOOOO YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!," she screamed before passing out.

Kitchenlogic was busy rearranging the furniture in the tent. "Fucking Oprah doesn't know what the hell she's talking about! How the hell are you going to move a hammock 14 inches away from the walls? They wouldn't be able to reach the damn trees. It just doesn't make fucking sense. What a punk ass ho-prah!"

TVlogic, had, in the meantime, managed to figure out how to Lewinsky himself using only a tent tarp, a piece of twine, and guava jam.

And Ladeeleroy?

Well, dear reader, Ladeeleroy was doing her Ladeeleroy thing. Enough said. She didn't know what to think of the "Chosen Others." They all seemed cool but something in her gut was upset. It could have been the sand soup that Lampshade had made earlier for all... but this didn't feel like the usual upset stomach... something was in the air.

Just then, mother fucking Godzilla showed up.

Godzilla: Rarahrahrharh! I'm Godzilla! Rahrharhahrhra. I've got breath of fire and I'm a really big dinosaur and that should scare the shit out of you! Because, damn, what the hell?!? Fire and dinosaurs? That's really damn frightening.


Milkmaid: We can't let this green man step all over us! We have to fight his conservative green power!

Throcky: I coincide with this juncture of participation and find that the hypothetical analysis of a repititous banter will not help, but rather, hinder the situation at hand.

Alltherage: Damn! We're in a tight spot!

Mychai: Maybe we should just count to ten and realize that this really isn't a big deal.

Confruzzled: (awaking) Oh shit, is my Mom here? Don't tell her I'm drunk.

Mattu: (returning from tutoring) What the Fuck?

Tickle-Me-BB: Ah, mates. No need to worry. We'll just rub him on the belly and he'll go right under.

Kitchenlogic: Are you crazy? Thing 2 had a hamster once that had this same fire breath thing going on. He caught lice from it. I felt so bad for the kid because, come on, lice. That's pretty lame. No one wants lice. You'll get lice if you go up to that thing. I read that once in a book, but I don't remember the title.

Throcky: If Buffy were here she'd totally kick that Godzilla ass.

Raveworld: Whoa! Throcky! You're talking normal!

Throcky: Er.. contrary to what you believe, I was merely stating that the buttocks of that dastardly beast would be reddened with the kinestetics of Buffy, the slayer of vampires.

Ravenworld: Oh. Um. I could throw my rock at him... my pet Simon Rock. (guffaws again)

Racer96: Were you making fun of my template?

Ravenworld: No, I was just saying I could throw my rock at Godzilla.


Mychai: Dude. Count to ten. It'll help. You should also put your hands above your head... it'll make the blood go to your brain... like this o/

Racer96: Didn't anyone read my journal? I write about other things to, not just o/.

TvZero: I would rank this Godzilla moment probably in the top five scariest moments of my life.. right under the premier of "Tammy Faye's Life- A Mini-Movie".. that shit was scary.

Mariel: Buggar! He knocked over my Mr. Darcy sand man! Ohhhhhhh! Buggar!

Ladeeleroy: Okay, dudes. I didn't want to tell you this, but I brought along a secret luxury item. It's Carol Channing.

Kitchenlogic: I wish I had thought to bring a Carol Channing. Dammit!

Ladeeleroy pulls out her Carol Channing.

Carol Channing: Yesh, helllllllllllo Shurvivors! Yesh, hellllllllo Shurvivors! It's sho nice to shee you here on this issssssssssland.

Godzilla: What! What?!?!?! NOT CAROL CHANNING!

Carol Channing: Yesh, it's me Godshilla! Your arched nemechishish! It'sh time for you to go to shomeother place and annoy innochent byshtanders. I recommend the local Chapter of the Christian Coalition.. they could use a good pagan pants crapping!

Milkmaid: No shit.

At this point, Carol Channing pulls out her fake teeth and hurls them towards Godzilla. Of course, this causes her entire body to collapse as her fake teeth were the only stable things in her old frame.

Ladeeleroy: Carol Channing! Nooooooooooooo! Nooooooooooooo! Nooooooooo!

Ladeeleroy rushes to Carol Channing's side. The other survivors watch as Carol Channing's fake teeth attach themselves to Godzilla's head and slowly start to knaw at his scalp.

Godzilla: Ow! My Dry Dinasour Scalp! This will only cause it to flake and dander more! I am out of here.

Survivors: Huzzah!

Ladeeleroy: Carol Channing? Carol Channin? Can you hear me?

Carol Channing: No.

She dies.

AlltheRage: I thought Goonies never die.

Ladeeleroy: Sometimes they do, AlltheRage. Sometimes they do.

Later, the Survivors are all gathered around the campfire, eating Carol Channing on a stick- lovingly prepared by Lampshade.

And so concludes the first night on the island with the Diaryland Survivors... an update for Ladeeleroy readers will follow tomorrow. Until then.

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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy