12% BEER
Conjunctivitis Won't Divide Us
  Every year in the grand city of Austin, Texas, a fantastic theater company puts on a festival of short thirty minute plays to celebrate the diverse theater scene in our fair city. Now, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I'm in an improv troupe that has performed regularly in Austin for the last two years.... and last year we totally kicked ass in this theater fest and are going for Ass Kicking Numero Two-o. Below is the framed sketch that we've written that will encounter three improv games. I just wanted to post it because I want to see if I get any feedback on it.... and shit. So, needless to say, this is it.

There are 6 people in the troupe. We'll all be wearing multi-colored jump suits, much like those folks that would come to your elementary school to teach you about self-esteem. There's music underneath most of it, but I can't write it out in HTML, so just use your one, inherent rythm.... Okay. That's all the talky talk from me.

Oh, wait. All of this is copyrighted, so don't fuck with it. And if you do, make sure that none of us are around when you do.

Here it is:

Principal Intorduction: Quiet down youths…quiet down. All right all right! Everyone quiet … (Hand Gesture) Peace and Quiet Everybody! If I cannot have everyone give me Peace And Quiet immediately, we will leave the Cafetorium and go directly back to class… no assembly…. (Awkward pause… Picks out Tommy from audience) Tommy Johnson! Tomm-ee- Johnson.. do I need to remind everyone in the school that you peed your pants the other day? Do I? Do I? That’s no SIR, Mr. Johnson.

Now, I know that the entire school isn’t here because almost half (that’s 50%) of the school is not present because of a recent epidemic of Pink Eye. So the PTA, in conjunction with Peer Pressure Awareness Month, would like to present to you something that’s educational, exciting, and educational. I call it edutainment. These people are really cool rocking dudes that’re really rocking and are really cool and have important things to say about important, not so cool, issues. Straight from Plum Passage, Michigan, I would like to introduce to you those rocking cool dudes that rock, TALK ABOUT IT!

Come on, give them a big Bulldog Welcome. (Woofs as he goes off stage and Bard and Ladeeleroy enter.)

******Lights Down and Up********

Conjunctivitis Won’t Divide Us

B: I’ve noticed that you haven’t been around very much lately, Ladeeleroy.

L: I know, I’ve just been, you know… busy.

B: With what?

L: I don’t want to talk about it. (Whispered “Talk About It” from off stage)

B: But that’s what friends are for- for talking.

(Music interlude That’s What Friends Are For quick like)

L: No. No! I don’t want to talk about it! (Whispered “Talk About It”)

B: Well… I know the only way to feel better about something that’s upsetting you is to talk about it.

(Whispered “Talk About It”)

L: I’m embarrassed. Maybe you won’t like me anymore if I tell you what’s wrong.

B: Now, come on, Ladeeleroy. True friends are always there for each other. You remember that time there was that entire crazy mix-up when I accidentally forgot to pay for the 1989 Maroon Cutlass Supreme that I took from Spooky Ol’ Lady McGuire?

L: Boy, you were in trouble for that one.

B: Yeah, but you were there for me.

L: With bail money.

B: And your support- just like a true friend. Now, tell me what’s on your mind? Let’s talk about it. (Whispered “Talk About It”)

L: Well, it’s not on my mind- it’s on my eye..

B: What is it?

L: (Showing Disgusting Pink Eye) THIS.


L: I knew you wouldn’t understand.

B: No, no. I do. I still consider you my friend. You’ve just got conjunctivitis.

L: Conjunkawha-?

B: Conjunctivitis… other wise known as pink eye…

L: Pinkawhat?

B: Pink eye!

L: Pink you?

B: No, Ladeeleroy..(to audience) Girrrrls..… Pink Eye is another name for Conjunctivitis. But you know what Ladeeleroy? You’re not alone in the fight against Pink Eye…. And terrorism… I’m so glad that you opened up to me and talked about it..(Whispered “Talk About It”)

L: Talking About It really helps. (Whispered “Talk About It”)

B: And helping is what talking is all about. I know lots of people who care and like to Talk About Stuff..

L: Really?


Talk About It Gang: Talk About It, Talk About It, Talk About It, Talk About It (Swells)

Enter through Pink Eye Paper Wall.

Has Conjunctivitis got you down?

Well, that’s ok, no need to frown.

We’re Talk About It and we’re here to say

You can get rid of that Pink Eye today

Just a few simple steps you need to learn

And then your eyes won’t have to burn.


Won’t Divide Us


Won’t Divide Us


Land that I love!

Don’t shake hands with friends and foes.

Don’t wear your mother’s panty hose.

Don’t play outside the hospital.

Don’t touch a dead and rotting gull.

Don’t kiss your brother on the mouth..

Unless you really want to.

Over there!

Over there!

They’ve got Pink Eye! They’ve got Pink Eye!

Over there!

In Afghanistan.


Won’t Divide Us


Won’t Divide Us


Won’t Divide Us

(Chanting continues as each TBI member steps up for a presentation of a fact.)

A: Did you know that Conjunctivitis comes from bacterial micro-organisms?

J: That’s what my Mom has!

A: No, silly. Not Multiple Orgasms, micro-organisms.

J: Oh.

Yankee Doodle borrowed someone elses contact lenses

When he woke up with pink eye, he had no more friendses.

Yankee Doodle

Had Pink Eye

Yankee Doodle Dandy

If you’ve got Pink Eyes, don’t shake another’s handy.

P: Hey, Jarrad, did you know that one of the first indicators of having Pink Eye is a discharge from the eyes?

JAR: That’s what my Mom has!

P: No, silly. Not discharge from the thighs, discharge from the eyes.

JAR: Oh!

O! Say can you see?

By the dawn’s early light?

No, I can’t cause I’ve got Pink Eye.

Getting rid of Pink Eye is easy enough

You don’t have to be smart, you don’t have to be tough

Change your pillowcase before you sleep.

Use protective eyewear when you sweep.

Throw out that old eye make-up

And read the Bible daily.

A: Corinthians 13:24-36.B

“And Paul looked upon the People

With his Eye becrusted

And saw that it was Wrong.

Ashamed, he hung his head low to the ground.

And wailed, gnashing his teeth.”

And I’m proud to be an American

Where I don’t have to have Pink Eye

And Conjunctivitis Won’t Divide Us

And we’ll still choose to fly.

And we’ll proudly stand up

Against Pink Eye

And we sing this great refrain

We’re proud to be Americans

And have clean eye membranes!

(Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap)

And Bingo was his name-o.


(Talk, Ask, Sing Explanation)

Intro Improv to Game #1 (Oopsie.)

Intro Improv to Game #2 (POV)

Intro Improv to Game #3 (Pan Left/ Pan Right)

B: Boys and Girls, you’ve been a super terrific audience today! And we’ve made a bunch of super terrific Talk About It Buddies. We’ve never seen a school so willing to be open about communication and discussing things that are on your mind!

Isn’t that right gang?

TBI Gang: Yeah!

L: But, before we leave, we want to encourage each and every one of you to keep on talking about stuff that’s important to you and to stay away from any kind of religion that encourages you to stray from what is normal and American.

A :Wash your hands at least 17 times a day.

JAR: Drink your Milk.

P: Tell your Ma that you love her even though she has two boyfriends that she doesn’t really truly love.

J: And keep on reading!




Because Readers Are Leaders!

Talk About It Encouragement Song

Talk About It

Talk About It

Talk About It

Talk About It

Talk About It

Talk About It

When bad things happen and you don’t know where to turn

When your Grandma’s sick and Uncle Louie’s in an urn

When you have to shoot you’re rabid dog in the head

And you’re so depressed that you can’t get out of bed

Just Talk About It

With a Friend

Talk About

There’s an end

To your misery and hopelessness

Put on a clean suit, or your favorite dress

And Talk About It

Talk About It

Talk About It

Should I drink and smoke with my friends?

No, that’ll bring you to an untimely end.

Will I be more popular if I have sex?

Just ask your friends, they’ll know best.

Did I cause my parent’s divorce?

Most likely you did, you ugly horse.

When you talk about it you will see

Your problems much more logically

It’ll calm those worries in your head

Just remember the words we’ve already said

Talk About It

Talk About It

Talk About It


Roll call of each improv game issue and completion.

Talk About It

Talk About It

Talk About It

Lights Out

And that's it. The End.

Cool. Thanks for reading it.


Get All Notified:

I know you were here.
Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy