12% BEER
Nicorette Nicosucks
  As cliche as it is, I'm trying to quit smoking for the New Year.

I should have given up something easier, like, not using a metric ruler for the entire year. That would have been a breeze.

So it's now day two of my smoke-free life.

I'm Jonesing.

Not only that, I'm Williamsing.

And Smithing.

And I'm about to get Thompsoning in this mug.

I didn't even want a cigarette yesterday. Mostly because I smoked my lungs out the night before, knowing that I wouldn't be able to smoke the next day. I thought that I had smoked enough cigarettes to at least keep me satisfied for the next two weeks.

I was wrong.

The minute I stepped into work today (after a wonderful- work-free two week vacation) I wanted a Camel. I would have even smoked an Dorel or a Parliment 100 unfiltered. Shit, if I had the rolling ability, I would have rolled up some penicl shavings in a Post It Note and thrown in a little led poisoning into my toxin filled body.

Instead, I had a piece of orange Nicorette.

Here's the deal with Nicorette. It's awful. It's just like chewing on one of those pepper packets that you get from McDonald's when you ask for extra salt. Your cheeks burn. Your tongue gets a little pasty, your throat feels like someone is slowly dripping melted organic toothpaste onto its lining.

I'm almost positive that Nicorette was invented by someone who never had a cigarette in their life. "We'll just add the taste of citrus to the burning-pepper flavor and add on the sufix '-erette' and they'll never notice that it doesn't really curve the urge."

But- in comparison to the other options of quitting smoking aids- the gum won.

I could do the patch- but I've heard to many awful stories about it... numb arms, itchy armpits, vivid acid-like dreams. I figure that my dreams are already a little too vivid without the patch (did I mention that I drempt I had a sewn on penis that fell off when I mistook the stichings for a piece of sweater fuzz? Remind me to tell you that one..) and my arm doesn't get numb, but my ass does after sitting for long periods of time. And itchy arm pits? I'll pass on the that little uncomfortable perk, thank you.

There's also the nicotine inhaler. Is it just me or does this thing look like a giant tampon? I don't see how this would help as one would probably prefer to die of lung cancer than sit at a bar sucking on a large tampon. And the commercial they made for this thing- it's this couple riding along in a convertable, sucking on their giant tampon inhalers, laughing it up. They don't show the part where another car pulls up next to them- causing the couple to duck in shame as they continue to suck all the nicotine from their Tampaxerettes.

So I passed on the patch and the pon.

And I took the gum.

Thank God masturbation doesn't cause lung cancer or else I'd be screwed. (There's a joke somewhere in there, but I can't find it.)

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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy