So the entire PINK EYE episode that I went through last week led me to the path of wanting to take better care of my eyes.
I started by plucking my eyebrows. This hurts. Like a bitch. Like a bitch made out of pins. Pins that were left in a boiling pot of glue that's still sticky but allows the pin's pointy nature to come through. However, the pain was well worth it seeing as I now have two slim arches perched on my forehead.
After that, I decided to actually Enzimatic my contact leneses. Apparently, this is something that you are supposed to do on a weekly basis if you're a cheap bastard and choose not to throw out your contact lenses after wearing them for 24 hours. As I was doing the Enzimatic process, I decided to look at the expiration date that was on the package that contains my spare contacts.
Damn. That's not good. That means that the things that I presently had in my eyes were about two years expired. That means that the lenses probably smelled of spoiled milk... perhaps I could no longer detect the offending odor because I'd grown accostumed to it. But all my friends probably breathe out when I blink so that they don't have to smell my stinky eyeballs.
So I went to the eye doctor. His name was Dr. Jansen and he was from South Africa.
Now, I know that I should not be stigmatic. But when I saw that the guy had been certified in South Africa- I was a little suspicious of his qualifications. This is not the open-minded thinking that I usually pride myself on, but I was expecting him to come in and evalutate my eyesight by cracking a chicken egg into a cup of ox's blood to determine my prescription needs, and, perhaps, how many children I would have in the future.
Of course, I was wrong. There was no chicken egg and I guess that oxen blood isn't really a cosmopolitan practice... but the guy had an accent that was incredibly hard to follow.
Dr. Jansen: Hezzlo, Meeses Laddeezleruss. I'm Zoctor Yanzen. Vazz zeems tu bees zes probleemsz witchew eyezenballz todaws?
Ladeeleroy: Er. I think my prescription has gotten a little expired. I can't see too well with the present contacts I have and I was hoping to get new ones.
Dr. Jansen: Awwzo. Yew yewz zee contacten lensesn zat iz veryz poopularz weet zee yungen folkz of Amerika. Now tellz me Meeses Laddeezleruss, dew yew schleep inz yur contacten lensesn?
Ladeeleroy: Do I what?
Dr. Jansen: Dew yew schleep inz yur contacten lensesn? Do yew makes zee dreamz witchew contacten lensesn?
Ladeeleroy: No. Well, sometimes. I try not to most of the time. There have been occasions what I do fall asleep in my contacts, yes.
Dr. Jansen: YEWZ MUST NEVAH SCHLEEP INZ YUR CONTACTEN LENSESN! DATS VERY VERY VERY BAD HABBITUT! IT MAKEN ZEE EYEBALLEN BECOMEZ INFECTIOUS WITH ZEE DEEZEZUS.
Ladeeleroy: Oh. Oh. I didn't know that.
Dr. Jansen: OF CURZE NOT! DEE YUNGNEN PEEPLEZ OFF TODAYZ DO NAWT ZINK ABUT ZEE CONSQUENCEEZ OF HAVING SUCH HORRIBLEN HABBITUTZ!
Ladeeleroy: Well, in the future, I promise not to sleep in my contacts, sir.
Dr. Jansen: Gut. Yuz a good gurl. Yez. Now, vee weel examininenen yur eyballen nowz. Tell me, can zoo readen vatz I have on zee wallen ovah dar?
Ladeeleroy: Um. No. I can't see that at all.
Dr. Jansesn: Hmmmm. Yur sighten iz very weak like a babyeez lambs... yez?
Ladeeleroy: I guess so.
Dr. Jansen: (Pulling down lense contraption to diagnose proper prescription) Now. Tellz mee Meesus Laddeeleruss. Canz yew seez zee lettahs on zee wallen now?
Ladeeleroy: Yes. It's E B F G 3.
Dr. Jansen: Dazz very gut. Now, tell me Meesus Laddeeleruss. Iz this sight now gut (switching lenses) OR IZ ZEES ONE BETTAH?
Ladeeleroy: Um. This one is better.
Dr. Jansen: Very gut. Now iz zees sight now gut or (switching lenses) OR IZ ZEES ONE MORE SUPERIORER?
Ladeeleroy: Uhhh. This one iz mur superiorer.
Dr. Jansen: Imz zorryz. Vat deed yew zay? i deed nawt understands yew?
Ladeeleroy: This one is bettah.
Dr. Jansen: Gut. Gut. Now...iz zees one gut or (switching lenses again) OR IZ ZEES ONEZ ZEE BEZT ZO FARER?
Ladeeleroy: Um. Cam I see the last one?
Dr. Jansens: (switching back to original lenses) Zees onez.... or (switching again) ZEES ONES?
Ladeeleroy: Oh dang. I'm not sure. Can I see the other one one more time?
Dr. Jansen: NEW! NEW! Yew veel tellz me right now. New time fur zee dilly dilly thinkingz. yew knowz if zees is right one fure yew now!
Ladeeleroy: Umm.. then I guess this one is the best one.
Dr. Jansen: VERY VERY VERY GUT! (writes down prescription) Heerz iz yur preezscreeptyun. Yew veel make sure zat yew pay zee proper amount at zee frunt deskah und vee veeel zee yew in a couple ov yearz. Okah?
Ladeeleroy: Okay. Thank your Dr. Jansen.
Dr. Jansen: No promblemz. DU NEW SCHLEEPEN IN ZEES CONTACTECN LESNEN! ZAT IZ A BAD HABITTUT!
Ladeeleroy: I promise never to sleep in my contact lenses again.
So I went eyeglass shopping for new glasses. The last pair of glasses had gotten so old that they no longer had ear pieces to hold them up, but rather crude contraptions of paperclips bound together with garbage ties and invisible tape. I got them purely because they reminded me of John Lennon. At the time, I looked like hot shit wearing them, but, as time progressed, I realized how incredibly dorky one will look in John Lennon glasses if you're truly not John Lennon.
I took Lipman with me since he seems to have a better fashion sense than I do and used optical-fashion terms like, "Low Lying Bridge Nose" and pointed out things like "You have huge features, so your want glasses that will play them up instead of making them look offensive."
We ended up going to four different eyeglass shops. There was nothing that could accentuate my low lying bridge nose that also did not offend my large features or the newly found fact that one of my ears sits lower than the other one.
Finally, we ended up at the mall. Good God. An Austin mall on a Saturday during the height of holiday madness. The smell of Chic-Fil-A was in the air and the sounds of A Stitch in Time permeated the food court credenza. Into Eyemasters we went. 2 for 1 deals. Of course, all the frames that I thought looked good on me were $230.00. To Texas State Optical we went. Nothing really too spectacular, although I did finally see a pair of those glasses that you can twist around your finger without breaking. I don't really see what purpose these serve other than cool party tricks to amaze your drunk friends with.
Exhausted, Lipman and I started to make our exit when we passed the Lenscrafters. "Let's go in here," said Lipman.
"No. They don't have a very good selection."
"Come on ba-abe. Let's just have a gander, shall we."
So into the Lenscrafter we go. And low and behold- a pair of glasses that had everything I was looking for- made my low lying nose seem a little bit more perky- accentuated rather than offended my large features- and good Lord!- they seemed to not even notice my ear imbalance.... all for the low price of $80.00!
I purchased said glasses, waited an hour to pick them up after being fitted with feather weight- non-reflective lenses.. and out into the world I went.
I must say. My Lesbian approval rating is going to go out the roof this coming year. I am one hot straight chick that could get alot of pussy if she wanted to with these babies.
Take a gander, shall you?
Jinkies, yo. Jinkies.