12% BEER
Ribbon, Schmibbon. Bring out another pair of Tits.
  Last night I went to a benefit show for a non-profit organization. that shelters women who were victims of domestic violence.

Lipman was performing and I was going purely to be, you know, supportive of the boyfriend and my fellow sister friends.

So the entire attraction for this benefit was that there was going to be this massive fashion show. The place it was held at was pretty swank and I was told to dress really nice-like because those in attendance were going to be some of the more hip, retro, fashionable people in town.

I do my damndest to fall into this realm of hip and fashionable. I put on my 'hip' GAP plaid pants. Toss on a nice mock turtle neck and coordinate perfectly a brown belt with my brown boots which make my usual 6 foot structure tower at 6 foot 3 inches.

Eye liner. Blush. Mascare'. I even did my hair which had only recently shed the mullet that had festered on the back of my neck.

I must say, in the most non-egotistical way- I was looking hot. Fine. Damn good.

You get the point.

I get to the fancy hotel. I walk up to the ballroom that it's being held in and I'm greeted by these two girls dressed in their best black floor-legnth ball gowns.

Gal Number One: Um, can we help you with something?

Ladeeleroy: Yeah, is this the benefit fashion show thing?

Gal Number Two: (pointing to sign hanging behind them that says "Benefit Fashion Show") Uh, yeah, it is. Do you have your ticket?

Ladeeleroy: Oh. No. No I don't have a ticket..

Gal Number One: Well tickets are $30.

Ladeeleroy: Hm. Um. Can you check and see if I'm on the list? Um. My boyfriend is with the band.

Gal Number Two: So you're not going to give us $30. So does that mean that you SUPPORT women being abused?

Ladeeleroy: No, no. Women being abused is wrong and awful. It's just that I don't have $30 on me. I only have $25 because I had to pay for parking.

Gal Number One: Do you know that abused women sometimes have to sleep in parking lots because they don't have anywhere to go?

Ladeeleroy: No. No I didn't know that. Um. I didn't see any in this parking lot. But next time I do, I'll let them know about your organization.

Gal Number Two: Listen here, "I'm With The Band" Chick. Domestic abuse affects everyone. Women are the reason why we all exist. When you pay $30 to get into this benefit, you're letting the world know that you will not stand for the abuse of women- and thus, are appreciative of their giving you the possibility to exist.

Ladeeleroy: I understand this completely, but, um. I can't afford the $30 entrance fee. However, I'll be more than happy to donate a couple of bucks to the cause...

Gal Number One: A "couple of bucks"? What's that going to do? Buy them a "couple of lawyers"?

Ladeeleroy: Um. Am I on the list.

Gal Number Two: Sigh. Yes. You're on the list.

Ladeeleroy: (taking out a $10 bill to dontae) Good. Good. (Puts $10 bill in donation box.) Um. So there's a donation. (Noticing that everyone present is wearing purple ribbons pinned to theit attire.) Can I get one of those ribbons.

Gal Number One: You don't deserve a ribbon, you non-paying Band Chick.

Ladeeleroy: I see.

So I leave that little fiasco and I go to search out Lipman. He's up on stage playing away at his saxaphone. I take a gander at everyone present, and I must say, there are some extremely attractive people in Austin. Everyone looks like they just stepped out of a salon or just had coffee with Ewan McGreggor. Hip People, yo.

I'm practically the only one not wearing a purple ribbon. People pass me, take one look at my ribbon-less chest and give me a scowling reply. I should have just come to the damn thing with a giant sign that said I THINK ALL WOMEN DESERVE TO BE BEATEN. BEATEN REAL HARD. I AGREE THAT CHILDREN SHOULD BE CHAINED UP AND FED RAT DROPPINGS FOR BREAKFAST. I DIDN'T PAY THE $30 FEE TO GET IN HERE. DOMESTIC ABUSE ROCKS!

Finally, I find a table of people that also do not have ribbons.

Ladeeleroy: Hey, you guys don't have ribbons, either.

Misfits: Yeah. We're with the band.

Ladeeleroy: Me too!

Misfits: Hoorah! Please join us as we sit at this table and mock everything around us. That way, we will feel included in the activities and not in the least excluded by these righteous fashionable people.

Ladeeleroy: I shall!

This benefit has free beer. There's two kegs in the back. Everyone's getting boozed up. I find this a little ironic, because, I dunno.. I always associate alcohol abuse as contributing to domestic violence.

I get a couple of free beers anyway.

Then the fashion show begins.

First person out on the cat-walk- A woman wearing a completely sheer dress. You can see everything. Ev. Eryth. Ing.

I do a double take.

Second person out- a woman wearing a very large sweater that has a v-neck the reaches all the way down to the abdomen. Her left breast is hanging out and she's got on this eye-makeup that's black and heavy. Looks like somone punched her in the eye.

I can't believe it. What the hell? Naked women strutting their stuff for the benefit of a domestic abuse shelter. Is it just me or does this seem a little odd?

More fashion continues- alot of sheer- alot of not-so sheer.

A guy walks out wearing a cowboy hat, a wife-beater tank, and he's carrying a bottle of Wild Turkey. The emcee says that this particular fashion-ographer was going for the "White Trash" look. To me it looks like he was going for the "Hey Bitch, make me a chicken-pot-pie before I get up off this here couch and smack you around look."

The Misfits and I are the only ones that seem to realize how incredibly hypocritical this appears. Everyone that has purple ribbons on is applauding and oogling over the fashionable dresses and boobies hanging out.

One chick comes on stage with a dress that's kinda cute- alot of petticoat and it's short and kind of pin-striped or something. But the dress doesn't connect in the back. It's split exactly over the ass crack. She does a spin and then moons the audience, showing off the "delightful black leather thong" that is going to be all the rage this coming winter.

But- as soon as she shows off this style, a second model comes on stage, and WHIPS the other model with a riding crop. The audience cheers. Hoots. Hollers.

I'm dumbfounded. The misfits and I look at each other and then debate if this is deliberate- you know, a sort of "Poke Fun Fashionably"- but it's not. It's like the fashion designers completely ignored the fact that this benefit was to help out domestic violence and were more keen on displying their latest "Left Boob Exposed" sweaters and were trying to figure out how to coordinate a bottle of Jim Beam with a wife beater shirt.

So I stay for the rest of the benefit and watch Lipman play. I also watch the other people there and notice that everyone with $30 purple ribbons are hob-knobbing and talking to one another about the fashion experience they just had.

It was a completely and totally strange experience. I would like to say that it made me want to attend more benefits sponsoring worthy charities, but I'm a little afraid that my cynical political side might kick in and I'll just end up cursing the organization for being so blind to what they're promoting.

I'm glad I didn't have a damn ribbon. I'm glad that I contributed $10. I'm glad that next time there's going to be a fashion show in Austin, I'll most likely be skipping it.

Unless it's for some kind of cause that's trying to save the endangered thong. Then I'll be there. But only if there's free beer.

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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy