12% BEER
Hostile Drunk Tripping Midget
  Oh man oh man.

So the midget has a bit of a drinking problem.

And a bit of a drug problem

And let's not forget his mullet.

I've got a couple of stories to pass on:

Friday night. Ladeeleroy arrives home after making a quick beer run at the local HEB. She gets out of her car and low and behold the midget is out and is in full force entertaining the neighbors of my glorious ghetto complex. I make a quick salutation and rush inside my door before I can get caught in an uncomfortable situation of talking to these people. However, I cannot resist the fact that I can hear the conversation that is happening practically outside my door.

Midget: (Slurring) I's tell yous whats hes gonna to hears. Daz de honest troof of it. When dat Bin Ladeeladen comez ovah to MY hizzouse, he's gonna hear nuffing but da tick tick tick BOOM of ah fucking bombs dat I'll be planting in hiz azz.

Neighbor: (Realizing that the Midget is increidbly wasted.) Yeah man. But you have to understand that it would probably be pretty hard for Bin Laden to even come to America, so you really don't need to worry about him coming to your house. I mean, with the heightened security of airports and all that.

Midget: (Growing hostile.)I can fucking keek his azz. You're da asshole. You fink that your shit don't stink? Your shit stinks. I can smell your shitty stink of shit all the way ovah in my hizzouse. You're the shitty asshole. Asshole.

Neighbor: (Trying to quelch laughter.) Hey man. It's all good. We're compadres, neighbor. There's no need for ass kicking to come between-

Midget: I'll fucking do it too. I'll kick your ass you ass hole. I'll kick you right in your numb nuts you sonafabitch. Coz I'm fucked now dude. I'm fucked now. And you don't want to mess wif me when I'm fucked cause I gots the power of the people running thru me right now and I'll kick your ass you asshole.

Neighbor: Hey, dude. Let's be cool. Let's not get all hostile. There's enough hostile shit going on in the world right now that we don't need to have hostility on our doorstep. Know what I'm saying?

Midget: Will you take me to the store to buy more beer? I needs me some mores.

Neighbor: I think you've had enough all ready. Maybe you should just kind of chill right now.

Midget: Fuck you azzhole!! I'm not drunk. I'm tripping man. I'm shroomin' my fucking short balls off right now.

Neighbor: (Laughing) You're shooromin' your short balls off now? Man! You don't need some beers man!

Midget: I'm saying dude. I'm gonna fuck that Bin Laden's ass if he fucts with me. That's what I'm saying. I'll pull some fucking Carol Chan on his ass and totally-

Neighbor: (Laughing harder.) Carol Chan? I think you mean Jackie Chan. You're getting him mixed up with Carol Channing...

Midget: I'll kick both their asses. I'll can the Channing and I'll kick like the Chan. You've gots to be watching out because I'll be all king fu up on your shit so don't fuck with my stuff! Asshole.

Neighbor: (Growing weery of this conversation.) All right all right dude. No need for the viloence. We're chill. We're chill.

Midget: Coz I'll be all over you like Rubber Maid on a tire. I'll be all up on you like white on a tire.

Neighbor: Dude, you're fucked up. You need to go upstairs and just crash, man. Just go upstairs and crash, yo.

Midget: Fuck man. Fuck. My shower don't work. Can I take a shower at your place?

Neighbor: (Slowly backing into his apratment.) Naw dude. You need to call and get your shower fixed. Sorry man. Just call the manager and he'll get your shit hooked up right.

Midget: I'll kick your ass you fucking azzhole.

Neighbor: Yeah, I got that part. G' Nigh man.

Midget: Fuck you..... mother fucker... asshole.. I'll ... I'll.... tick tick tick tick tick BOOM.... ahahahahhahahaaaaaaahahah. ... G' Night stink shit. Ahahahhahahahahaha.

Neighbor: (Closing Door.) Yeah. Good night. Drink some water dude.

And then the door closed and I heard the midget slowly climb up the stairs to his residence and closed the door. He lives above the apartment next to me and I promise you, the second his door closed, I could hear his little body just fall and collapse on the floor. A slight moan emerged from my ceiling, followed by a muffled "Fuuuuuuuuuck..."

The next day I recalled my experiences with my group of friends who are quite aware of the circus atmosphere that I live in.

Once before we'd had an encounter with the midget when we were outside my apartment taking a break. It wasn't anything spectacular, but it was the first time that I knew the midget was quite fond of drinking and drugging.

Midget: I can't sleep cause my brain's all in knots dude. This fucking rain is tying it in knots.

Ladeeleroy: (Afraid to make eye contact). Why's that?

Midget: Cause I'm fucking tripping on acid. I'm fucking watching the colors and the rain keeps tying my brain up in knots.

This was my first indication that the midget had other problems besides being a midget. (Not that that's a problem, it's more of an inconvenience.) It was only further validated by the story told above as well as Newman's encounter with him.

Newman's Testimony: (Tapping Microphone.) Is this thing on? Ahem. So it was after the first time I had seen the midget at Ladeeleroy's house. I have to admit, I was a little intrigued that such a short creature could have so much pent up hostility. But then again, he probably has the same amount of hostility that everyone else I know has, but doesn't have the body mass of a normal human being so it probably is more concentrated in him. Anyway, I'm driving to Higgin's apartment and I pass by where Ladeeleroy lives and I see the midget totally passed out on the side of the road. I mean, it looked like he had gotten hit by a car or something and someone had just drug his body to the side like people do sometimes when they hit stray dogs or something. Well, I totally pull over and roll down my window and say, "Hey man. Hey. Are you okay?" He doesn't respond, so I kind of drive away. I mean, he wasn't bleeding or anything, so I figured that, if he were still on the side of the road when I drove back after visiting Higgin's, I'd do something. Well, like an hour and a half later, I'm driving back from Higgin's place, and the midget is still lying on the side of the road. A piece of newspaper had kind of floated over to him and he looked like he was just some homeless midget, which is weird to think about because you don't really think about homeless people being midgets too often. So I pull my truck over and get out and go over to him and kind of nudge him with my foot. "Hey man. Hey man, are you okay?" He kind of rolls over and the guy is totally passed out drunk. I mean, he's snoring and drooling and he's just, you know, asleep there in the grass. So I figured he was comfortable and left him there. I mean I at least stopped, so that means I'm somewhat of a decent fellow right? I mean, I'm not going to go to hell or anything for not taking care of him more am I? Right? End of Testimony

So now I'm a little worried about the midget. I mean, should I do something? Should I leave little AA brochures on his door? Should I make him a casserole and take it upstairs to him? Should I organize a little intervention and invite the neighbors? Would that be weird? "Well, midget, we're all here to let you know that, although we are incredibly amused by your antics, we think you have a drinking and drugging problem." Would he get hostile and try to kick our asses with his Jackie Chan midget kung fu? Would I be able to not laugh?

I also am thinking that if I were a midget, I probably would have a pretty healthy drinking and narcotic problem as well. I mean, yeah. I can totally see myself falling into the angry midget stereotype. That or I'd be an uber-Christian midget. Yeah. That's probably what would happen. I'd have a catch phrase that was like, "Jesus loves all the little children, but he loves the little people most. Ahmen."

Okay. Anyway. Suggestions on how to handle this situation are welcomed and appreciated. Let me know ASAP as his courage seems to grow when he gets in his 'angry drunk midget' zone and I know that he's going to ask to take pictures of me naked.

Cause, that's what midgets do, right?

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