12% BEER
Verdict: Ace of Ass
  This may not be a particularly humorous entry.

He's an Ace of Ass. He told me he "shagged" with California Roll. He told me in a FUCKING E-mail.

Here is a snippet. Let me preface by saying that this is the first e-mail I've gotten from him since he left. Let me proface by telling you that the first part of this e-mail is him trying to be funny making Python references and Eric the midget jokes. Let my antiface this by telling you that, after telling me he shagged, he proceeds to tell me about a dream he had that I was involved in. What a fucking dumb ass.

Here's the snippet:

this is my first chance to e-mail in this trip...of course being the last day. tonight is our last show, and I'll be back by Tuesday.

i still need some time to sort my shit out, and spew volumes of journal entries which will likely lead back to the same non-conclusion about my purpose in life. but i have been thinking of you a lot and am looking very much forward to kikin it with you soon. yes I have shagged. i hope this doesn't mean i can't see you when i get home. e-mail is not so apropoe fo this yu know. for some reason i felt like you might want to know before you saw me again. i also fear my own safety a bit, whereas you have quite a reach on me. my only hope would be uppercuts, and i'd just as soon take the puches.

i had a dream last night that i was doing improv with you and Princess and a troup.... blah blah blah blah blah.

i'll cal you when i get back



Oh my God. Oh my God! "Shagged?!?!" Did he talk about our moments of physicality "shagging" when talking to other people? Or did he say "doing the dirty" or perhaps "I stuck my thang in her hole?" Shagged?!?!?! What an asshole.

After I read this my first reaction was screaming, "Fucking ASSOFASSHOLE!" My second reaction was, "I knew it. I fucking knew it!" My third reaction was "Damn." And I cried. I cried and I cried. I left my apartment and bought cigarettes and a bottle of wine. I sat down at my computer, struck a match, lit my cig, poured a glass of wine and let my fingers do the talking.

Hell hath no fury like a woman pissed. Especially a woman named Ladeeleroy.

Here is my response:

Subj: Well well well.

Date: Sun, 9 Sep 2001 11:27:01 PM Eastern Daylight Time




I'm crying. My entire body is shaking. My feelings are incredibly hurt. I'm smoking inside my bedroom. I don't ever do that.

Here's the deal:

You know how you recognize cosmic signs.... well, the cosmic sign I needed to decide if you were a person worthy of having my physical and emotional company was you and the California Roll situtation.

I'm glad you got your groove on. Way to go. Hope you feel like it was worth it because there will be no chance that we'll be having sex again. I think I made this clear before you left but I want to reiterate that fact again. I really liked you and really cared for you.


You have a strange way of treating people that you say you care for and think are special. I know that you truly are a good person Ace Of Bass, I know you have a good heart. You have a kind soul with a couple of stains on it like everyone else does. I really was looking forward to seeing how our colliding into each other would evolve.

I have to say I'm extremely disappointed. I think it would have been a good time. I understand the situation you were in. I understand that you need to "work some shit out". I hope you will understand that I may not want to be around you for a while. I hope you understand that this hurts me. I hope you understand how this makes me feel. Betrayed, yes. Used, yes. Hurt, hell yes. Regretful, no. It's all a part of the lessons life presents you with. And what a nice lesson it's been.

I hope you work your shit out and are happy. I truly do. You deserve happiness as do I. This has not helped me feel happy.

Have a happy birthday. Enjoy your time with California Roll. I'm glad that you found a connection with an equally cool human being. Way to go.


PS. Fuck you. Okay. I'm feeling a little better now.

PPS. Telling me in an e-mail-ummmm.... what's the word?...oh yeah, weak but, nonetheless, my uppercut is finely tuned and it may have been a smart move on your part.

My favorite part is the PS. Fuck you. Dammit. I've re-read this so many times and I still can't get over how I totally was excellent at communicating everything I was feeling at that time.

Princess and Wakey came over. They watched me drink a bottle of wine and smoke an entire pack of cigarettes while agreeing with me that this was for the best.

And it is.



So I slept really well that night. Incredibly well. It was a relief to have this situation on its way to being resolved. But man, I had some weird dreams.

My first one was an Inside Edition interview with Hillary Clinton and her husband Bill. She's talking about a new reading program or something. The set up for the interview is really nice- they're both sitting in a park on a blanket. They look very American Eagle catalogue-ish. Then the reporter chick says, "I've got an e-mail here that I'm going to read and I'd like your opinion on it." The reporter than proceeds to read the snippet of the e-mail from Ace Of Bass I showed you above. Hillary's face scrunches up and she says, "What? Someone wrote that in an e-mail?" Bill replies, "That's pretty idiotic. It's obvious that this young man needs to make some decisions. I see where he's coming from, but in the meantime he's hurting people and thinks he's able to get away with it." Hillary is still pissed about the fact that he e-mailed this. "It's obvious to me that this young woman needs to move on and find someone who doesn't have wimpish tendencies. That's just ridiculous."

I was glad the Clintons respected my choice.

And now I'm at work.

And you know what?

I'm feeling pretty good.

Isn't that neat?

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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy