12% BEER
Crispier Crustier Flakier Crappier
  Holy shit. Look what I was blessed with today:

Can you figure out what it is? I'll give you a hint. It's edible.

Nothing, huh?

No, that's not the face of Carol Channing in it. Nice try though.

Nope, it's not a moon rock. The moon is made of cheese. This is obviously some other sort of substance.

Okay. I'll give you a hint. Here's its siblings:

Yep, you're right! It's a curly fry from Jack in the Box! However, this is obviously a curly fry that was not loved by it's curly parents and was a drifter in high school. This curly fry used to lock itself up in the basement and play with Ouija Boards and sacrafice celery stalks to the spirit of River Phoenix.

I got this is my lunch today. It frightened me. I was driving and I stuck my hand into my bag of lunchness and was munching away. I was at a stop light and my hand reached in and pulled this fried rejection out.

I literally threw it on the dashboard because I was so startled by it's nastiness. I've seen pictures of chicken heads accidentally being thrown into the Chicken McNugget Batter at McDonald's and once, in elementary school, this kids chicken fried steak finger actually contained a finger- marrow and all. So I have to admit that there's some pent up fear of fried substances in my background, hence my needless reaction of jerking my face away and hurling the thing at my dashboard.

Luckily this light was kind of long and I got a chance to kind of look at it a bit.

It's actually kinda cute.

Like, if Mattel got its hands on it and put some multi colored glittery bows on it or attached one of those Koos Ball heads to it- man. They'd mass a fortune.

I should get this piece of crustiness copyrighted.

I wonder how many crusty patents there are out there in the world. I also wonder how dedicated one would have to be in order to fill out the patent application for crustiness.

Patent Application #43459426

Applicant Name: Ladeeleroy

Address: 1234 Myavenue Ln.

City: Austin State: Texass

Name of Product Applying for Patent:

Crusty Thing.

Use: To bring joy into the lives of those less uncrustied. To spread the love and affection that only a crusty thing could bring. To be there when you need it. To love you unconditionally until it's little beating greasy heart stops and you put it on a stick and take it to the fair to show off to your friends.

Hazards:Bedwetting. Causes it for some reason. Must have something to do with the bowels or something. I dunno.

Also leaves a grease/slime trail wherever it stands. Cannot be fed after midnight and should be kept away from water. If contact with water should occur, contact Steve Spielberg. Or some other Jewish guy.

None of you steal my idea. It's mine I tell you. Alllllll mine. This crusty is going to take me to the top of the world I tell you! The tip top! I can see my house from there.

Actually, I am contimplating eating it. I'm actually kind of curious what it tastes like- will there be a big gush of greasy goodness bursting into my uvula? Will it break my teeth? How nasty could this possibly be?

I'm trying it. Right. Now.

Okay. I'm chewing. It's more crispy than crusty. There is definitly no kind of substance to it. Just pure seasoning goodness congealed with lard. The way I like it.

Do I look fat?

Really. Do I?

I feel fat. Will you still go to prom with me?
I'll wear my fat dress.

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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy