I cried today.
At a bank.
I felt like a fucking idiot.
"Why Ladeeleroy, why ever did you shed tears from your eye sockets? Surely it was for jest."
No, dear reader. It was not for jest. It was not for fun. Ladeeleroy does not enjoy crying. Ladeeleroy especially does not enjoy crying when standing in front of a teller at the damn Bank of America.
"Well Ms. Ladeeleroy, it seems that these checks bounced because you had insufficient funds."
I understand that, but I was under the impression that my funds were quite sufficient dear Bank Teller man.
"Apparently you are mistaken."
Apparently something is wrong. *tear ducts receive signals to prepare for leakage*
"Hm. Lets look what's going on with your account."
Thank you. *knot in throat tightens as Ladeeleroy realizes that she blew a wad of cash this past weekend and that her rent check has most likely not cleared.*
"It seems that the last deposit you made was the 24th of last month."
I deposited my paycheck on Thursday. *tear wells up in eye as Ladeeleroy valiantly battles to not give into her financial fears of having to move into a card board box* I deposited it on August the 2nd. I remember because that was my sisters birthday.
*Trying not to notice that customer is crying.*"Well I hope she had a good birthday."
I think she did. She turned 20. *Ladeeleroy is full out crying now. She cannot help it. Money things stress Ladeeleroy out sometimes.*
"Let's see why your deposit isn't listed here." types and types, casually pushing a Wendy's napkin in Ladeeleroy's direction.
Thanks. I'm sorry I'm crying. I'm just freaking out a little. I swear to God I don't usually get upset like this. I'm so sorry.
"It's all right. I would be a little freaked out too if I put money in and it wasn't there." types some more
Um. Listen. I'm going to go to the restroom and... well.. kind of cry this out right now. I'm so sorry. I'll be right back.
"Sure. No problem. I'll meet you over at the Bank Assistant's desk when you come out."
Ladeeleroy exits to bathroom and totally looses it.
What the fuck are you crying for? It's only money. Nothing's going to happen to you. Don't let this kind of stuff scare you. Obviously something is wrong with your account, but it's not anything you can control. What you need to do now is take a couple of deep breaths, blow your nose, and let your eyes return to their normal whiteness. Do not freak out over money. Do not let the currency of the MAN put this kind of pressure on you. You are okay. You are not being eaten by a bear. You are not being eaten by a bear. You are not being eaten by a bear. You are not being eaten by a bear.
Ladeeleroy emerges from bathroom. She has reassured herself that being eaten by a bear would be much worse than what she's going through now.
"Ms. Ladeeleroy. This is one of the groundlings for our bank. She'll help you in the most minimal way possible. In fact, her 'helping' you will actually feel like she's 'punishing' you. Sorry. It's policy."
"So you say you deposited your paycheck on Thursday."
Yes. August 2nd.
"But you don't remember the name of the drive-thru teller or what your routing number was for this particular transaction."
Inner Monologue: Actually I remember all of the details that you are requesting from me, I just am witholding this necessary information because crying in banks is one of my favorite past times you banking bitch.
Actual dialogue: No. I think her name was Terri? I'm not really sure. I made her laugh though. I remember that she laughed at this joke I made asking her to supersize my deposit slip.
"Ah. That won't help at all. We have a policy against laughing here."
Yeah. I figured.
"And you don't have the receipt?"
Inner monologue: No I don't. I think I threw it out the window at this Indian I saw standing on the side of the road. He had a single tear roll down his face when I did that. I think his name was Terri.
Actual dialogue: I usually don't keep them. I will from now on though. I'll be the best damn banker ever after this experience.
"Well, Ms. Ladeeleroy. We don't have any record of you making this deposit. It may take 7-10 days to go through the transactions to find the amount you say you deposited."
So the checks I wrote this past weekend will keep bouncing until you guys figure out what's up?
And if you don't find anything wrong with this on your end, I'll have to pay all the fines and stuff?
"Yes. If we find that there is no record of your check being deposited we will bend you over and fuck you up the ass with bounced check fees and will kick your card board box house over the first day you move into it."
I'm not being eaten by a bear.
"We will then have you eaten by a bear. It's part of our banking policies."
Crap. Ladeeleroy thinks very hard for a moment. Damn that receipt. What DID I do with it? All of a sudden she remembers that there is a banking envelop haphazardly shoved into the bill basket at home. Perhaps----?
I have to go home real quick. I'll be right back.
"You won't have a home by the time we're finished with you muahhaahhahha."
Ladeerleroy's apartment: Door opens, she enters. Right there on the side desk sits the banking envelope from last week. It has phone numbers written on it and also a note that says, "I can't chill out." She opens the envelope. A bright, blinding light shoots from it's paper hole as Ladeeleroy pulls out the Receipt In Question. There is much rejoicing and she runs back to her car, slides over her hood ala' Dukes of Hazards and races back to the bank.
I found the receipt.
"Oh. You found the receipt?"
Yes. It's right here. I don't ever keep these. Ever. It is fate that I kept this reciept.
"Well lets just see if this is the right receipt." holds it up to light. smells it. bites it to make sure it is real.
"Well I'll be damned. This is the right receipt. I was passing judgement on you because you're just a kid and you're wearing a sweater vest in 100 degree weather. I assumed that you were just an idiot and didn't actually deposit your paycheck because- well, I just assumed you were an idiot. Mostly because you cried. Crying is so idiotic. It made me hate you. I will continue the rest of this conversation in a fake, sweet, southern tone as to make you think that you are now my good friend."
I understand. Is this all cleared up now?
"I will make it my personal duty to make sure this is cleared up in the next 24hrs. Here is my card. If things are not straightened up to you satisfaction, please give me a call."
"And I'm sorry about threatening you with being eaten by a bear. I was really just joking. The bear we had died about to months ago."
Okay. Fine. So this will be all cleared up tomorrow?
"Yes Ma'am Ms. Ladeeleroy. I apologize on behalf of myself and all bankers everywhere for making such a horrible mistake. Please, take this free mint as an offer of my apology."
Your mints are very dusty. I decline.
"I understand. Thank you for banking with us. We appreciate your business."
I appreciate you not feeding me to a bear.
"It's the least we can do."
So, kiddies. Let this be a lesson to you. Hold onto those receipts. Sure, they're perfect for balling up and throwing away or may appear to be appropriate for use as a wacky tabacky rolling paper. But, be aware that you may some day call apon that piece of paper in order to save your financial sanity.
And it will help you not be eaten by a bear.