12% BEER
PS. You're an Asshole.
  Dear bastard that broke into my car last night:

Next time, just knock on my door and I'll give you the keys. This way, you don't have to break a window. This saves me money and you the possibility of getting cut. No, you know what? It just saves me money. Fuck your cuts.

Also, after knocking, we'll be able to negotiate which specific CDS you'd like to steal because I know that you're probably not the type to jam out to David Byrne or Beta Band. Certainly not the Old 97s. I'd let you have the George Michael CDs and probably the soundtrack from that movie that I hated.

You seem like the type of person who doesn't like to think too hard. I mean, you must be pretty dumb because you broke into my 89 Civic with duct tape on the bumper when there was a fucking 2001 Suburban right next to me. The damn thing doesn't even have an alarm. I bump it all the time trying to park next to it. Next time, go for the car that looks like the person can afford to replace everything that's taken. Leave us ghetto car kids alone.

Oh, yeah. Next time you break into my car.. that screw you were looking for to unfasten the entire console- yeah, it's located INSIDE the glove compartment. I thought I would tell you this so that next time you break in you won't resort to ripping the entire dashboard out and fucking up my air vents. Asshole.

You should probably also look into retaking some of those remedial courses at ITT tech, too. Apparently, in order to completely steal a stereo, you have to have all the wires that connect the damn thing to the rest of the car. Yeah. In your haste, dumbass, you left about three behind. One was the power connection. Now you have a completely useless CD player on your hands and a bunch of CDs that you're not going to listen to. Congradufuckinglations dick. You're a super crook.

Your cape's in the mail.

I would call your Mom and tell her how thoroughly disappointed she should be in you. Tell her that she didn't raise you right. Make HER feel HORRIBLE about making you EXIST.

But she's probably dead. Good.

So. Just to let you know- that new window that's installed now? Yeah- don't break that one, because it's been sprayed with a light coating of the Ebola Virus. It was some special security package they had going on. And also- that CASSETTE PLAYER that's in there now? It's a Jensenn. It's only worth $40. No pawn shop will take it. I asked. They'll just laugh at you and tell you to get the fuck out of their store because no smart pawn shop dealer is going to take a Jensenn on their hands. Especially a cassette player.

And one last thing- Fuck you. Don't listen to my CDs because I wouldn't want to give you the musical pleasure that each delivers. You're an asshole and I hope you pubic hair starts to grow out of control- so much so that you can't even wear jeans out in public because of the massive sprawl of pubic hair that leaks from the cuffs and drags behind you collecting the waste of humans. Because that is what you are- a waste of a human.

Fuck. You.



Automobile Owner


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