12% BEER
Lessons Part I

  • How to dance without getting whiplash: I went to an Old 97s concert this Saturday and for the love of Leroy I can't hold my head up. I've constructed a contraption made out of paper clips and post-it notes to keep my head raised in order to see the monitor. I'm dealing with the fact that perhaps 6 foot white girls aren't supposed to be graceful dancers. That's why I'm very comfortable with my "It Looks Like I'm Having An Awful Acid Trip But In Fact I'm Just Dancing" style of movement. But it's starting to hurt me a little too much and I've noticed more frightened looks from people who are unlucky enough to be standing around me when I rock out with my cock out. One person even took a picture of me with a disposable camera while I was full force in a dancing fit. I am just that goofy looking when I dance. Fuck ya'll.
  • How to take a dump in a public restroom: I just can't. I'm pee shy. I have some incredible force that will not allow me to take a crap when there are other people in the restroom with me. I usually either wait until they flush the toilet and push with all my might to expel my innards in the amount of time it takes for the water to refill.. OR... I'll unroll the toilet paper in such a loud fashion that covers up the sound of my dropping anchor.... OR.... I'll have a coughing fit to distract the people in the restroom: "Is she dying in there? Or is she taking a big ol' dump? I can't tell.".... OR I just won't do it. Worst thing to happen to me: I'm on a road trip with my two close guy pals. I know I am about to have to take my "Big Shit Of The Week." First, it takes me about 20 minutes to work up the nerve to get my friend to pull over at a gas station. Then, it takes me about 5 minutes to relax myself enough to allow my bowels to do their thing in a public restroom. 3 minutes later I'm having the whiskey shits... and if you've had the whiskey shits, you know what I experienced. When I flush, the toilet starts to overflow. Whiskey Shits and all. I freak out, grab the plunger and start trying to plunge, but this only causes more to spill over, and in fact, increases the speed at which the toilet is overflowing. About 1/4" of shit water is around the soles of my Cons. I run. I leave the plunger in the overflowing toilet and run out of the gas station. The clerk yells something at me, probably thinking I stole some beef jerky or tampons or something, but I don't stop. I jump in my friend's Suburban and scream "DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE!" and we peel out of there. When they later found out that I had flooded the bathroom and had not actually shot someone, they gave me shit for my shit for the rest of the ride. Boo.
  • Clothes from Urban Outfitters will fall apart a month after you buy them.: That cute it-looks-like-vintage-but-I-paid-$26.99-for-it shirt you loved? It'll fall apart when you put it in the washer. That I'm-a-tough-chick-you-can-tell-by-looking-at-my-grommeted-belt you got that time for $18? Yeah. Three months later, there'll be only four grommets left. Why do I shop here? I hate the people that work there. I hate the music. I hate the idea that somewhere a 46-year-old woman is deciding that 20-somethings everywhere are going to want inflatable furniture with inflatable throw pillows to boot. I don't know why I do. I can't help it. I must stop. Everytime I walk in I can't help but notice how you can buy sneakers that match an ash tray that goes perfectly with a butterfly chair that will match a pair of rose colored shades that will look fabulous resting ontop of a handwoven-covered journal: "I'm 23. I'm hip. And I am in touch with my inner material girl. You can read all about it in here." I have to stop spending money there.
  • Guys who use baby talk in conversations are not cute, but in fact very very freaky.: It's true. There's this guy that I was pursuing a couple of months ago... seemed pretty normal. Then I noticed that as we progressed in the 'Chatting It Up' portion of the getting-to-know-you dates he would say things like, "Aww. Baby needs to go home soon and take a ride on the sleepy time train." When he said it the first time I thought he was just being funny and laughed. But then on the next date I noticed that he did this ALOT. "I had to clean up this dog's pee-pee and poo-poo." or when he was relating this story of his friend getting mugged "..and then they kicked him in his wee-wee." WHAT? WEE-WEE? Holy shit. That's when I knew that I couldn't date this guy. Ever. But. I still call him every once in awhile to see if he wants to get drinks or something. I need to stop this. It's not right.
  • It's Illegal to drive without Liability Insurance in Texas.: Huh. Go figure.
  • Waiters liked to be talked to without a tone of sarcasm.: I don't know how to talk to waiters normally. I just can't. I always have to have some sort of tone that invites them to spit in my food or 'accidentally' give me a whole wheat bun when I clearly asked for sour dough. My friends have pointed this out to me numerous times. I'm not meaning too. I really am not. I just can't get that tone out of my voice when I talk to them. I repsect waiters. They have a tough job. But Jesus, how can I say "I really appreciate you bringing out this extra pat of butter for me" WITHOUT sounding sarcastic? It's just a pat of butter, I am thankful and I want them to know it because it would be rude if I didn't say anything at all.. but come on people- say that outloud without a tinge of sarcasm in your voice and I'll bow down to you like you're a golden calf.

Sigh. There are many other lessons to be learned. This is just a first in what I am sure will become a series. If you have any suggestions on how I can learn these lessons- please let me know in the guestbook or something.




I'd really appreciate it if you did. I typed that in the most unsarcastic way I knew how.

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