12% BEER
CHiP Sunglasses
  Okay. For real. Do these sunglasses make me look a little gay?

Cause when I got them I thought I looked hip. I thought I was like a female version of CHiPs. At the time, I didn't think that the female version of CHiPs would be interpretted as "Bull Dyke." I thought it would be more along the lines of "Cool Chick with CHiP glasses." But it's not apparently.

Not that I mind. I really have no problem with being stereotyped as a lesbian. Lesbians are the greatest. I love them. They're hip. They're retro. They're excellent dressers. Guys are baffled by them. Anyone who's anyone is doing it.

Except me. I'm not gay. Sometimes I wish I were because it would be alot easier for me to hook up with someone of the female gender than of the male.... or that's how it feels sometimes.

OK, most of the time.

I have a large lesbian following. Am I bragging? It sounds like I'm bragging. It sounds like I should pull out a Power Point presentation and show you a pie chart that compares my 1999 Lesbian approval rating to the 2001 approval rating. I would have little clip arts of Melissa Etheridge and KD Lang throughout the entire thing. I'd use the theme song from Cagney & Lacey as my background music. At the end I'd pass out buttons that said "Viva l' Vulva!" And then we'd eat a bunch of hummus. (Why hummus? I don't know. Not that I associate hummus with lesbians, but it just sounded like an appropriate follow up dip. Finger licking good.)

Anywhoo. Yeah, the chicks dig me. They do. I think it's the hair. And perhaps my non-girly persona. And I have long fingers. That's a plus I've been told.

I'm getting off the point. But what was my point from the beginning? I don't know. What I guess I'm saying is, I bought these sunglasses for $9.99 and I feel that they're a fabulous pair. I've gotten some shit from some of my peeps about them (hence my lesbian ramblings)... but I think they're just jealous of my ability to pull them off in such a manner that says, "Yeah, you think these are stupid, but deep down in your soul you wish you had them... except with mirror lenses so that you can do a booger check when necessary."

And they really do need to do a booger check. But I'm not going to say anything. I'll just stare at the offending boog chill through my dark CHiP sunglasses and write a citation in my head.

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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy