Wha da fuuck you luukin at?
Yeah. I'm talking to yew.
Who da hell else do yew tink I'm talking to? You tink I'm talking to dat drunk ass tube of Carmex right der?
Yew gotta be outta yewr mind.
I'm lukkin at chew.
Yew gotta a problem witch me?
Yew gotta a mudder fuukin problem witch me, beetches?
I'm mudder fuucking Tao Chai Grande, beetch. Dats who da fuuck yur messin witch pal.
Mudder Fuuckin Tao Chai Grande. Grahn-day-hey-hey, beetches.
So wassyur fuuckin problem? Why yew all luukin at mee like dat. Like I deed suumthing wrong. Like I'm da one reesponsible fur all de local coffee shoopes loosing der bidnezz.
Tao Chai Grande didn't tellz America to buy der coffee from a chain. Sheet. Tao Chai Grande hatez de coffee az muuch az yew dew.
Chai ain't getz no respect, unles Tao Chai Grande cuumes up in yewr mudder fuucking facez and DEMANDEZ yewr respects.
Yew see dat fuuckin' lemon pound cake back der? All cowering and sheet? All hiding in heez opaque brown paper bagz? All peeking and sheet to see if I'mz aroundz?
You know why Lemon Pound Cake iz back der pooping poppies out of its bakery itemz pound azz?
Coz it mezzed witch da wrong cup of Chai.
I ain't no mudder fuukin cup of Green Tea, beetches.
I'm mudder fuukin Tao Chai.
Mudder fuukin Tao Chai Grande.
Lemon Pound cake iz all like, "Ohh. Luuk at mee. I'm a cake! I'm all edible! I ain't got to be worrying about offending da masses about Corporate America keeking out da local bidness! Ain't no body gunna blame a lemon pound cake! Eeeeeeeeverybody luvs da lemon pound cake!"
And I'm all like, "I duun't luvs you Lemon Pound Cake. I despises yewr kind."
And Lemon Pound Cake is all up in my straw saying sheet likes, "You knew dat ders an underground groups of peeples dat hate chew, Tao Chai Grande. Dey hatez yew!"
And I'm all like 'What da fuck you talkin bout Lemon Pound Cake?"
And Lemon Pound cakes all like... its all likes, "Yew got dat mermaid symbol all up in your shit. Peeplese see dat sheet. Dey sees dat yewr frum a chain and dat yewr all fancy schmancy witch yewr whipped creemz and yewr spreenklin of duh nutmegz.. witch yewr properly fitted top and yewr perfectly blended ice filling. And da peeple luuk at chew witch deesgust in der eyez.. yew know whys dat is, Tao Chai?"
And I'm all like, "Whyz?"
And Lemon Pound Cake is all like, "Coz yew frum da Starbucks."
And I'm like, "Shut your mudder fuukin mouth, fuukin yeast breaf... yew frum da Starbucks, too."
And Lemon Pound Cake is all like, "But yew repreesent dat type of persun dat other types of persuns can't stand."
Dees totally knocked me on my rim. I waz like, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? What types of peeple yew talkin bout Lemon Pound Cake?"
"De types uf peeple dat actz like der sooo trendy. De types uf peeples dat seet around all day dreeking der Chai and talkin bout deh stock market and writing off tax rebates when dey give dah huumless peeples a dollah. De types dat only dreenk suumthing if it's trendy.. Trendy in dah sense dat corporate Americaz sayz is trendy. Trendy in dat dey luuk and act and talk like dey really care bout dah werld around dem, but meanwhile are crushing dah grassroots bidnesses dat are tying to fluurish in dah cummunity. Dah Ma's & Pop's. Dah Murrell's Diners. Dah George's Greels. Dah Joe's Coffee Shoppe. Yew iz dee epitomy of a mask dat peeples wear when dey too afraid too tink fur dem selves."
I was all like, "Dats alot of blame to put on da Tao Chai Grande. I'm juz one grande cup of dah Tao Chai. Juz one cup."
Lemon Pound Cake be like, "Oh, but yew so muuch more and yew don't even knew it."
Dats when I feelt dis kinda rage a Tao Chai Grande never feelt before. I feelt all dees heaviness on my Tao Chai Hart. I tought at feerst it was my peerfectly wheeped cream topping... but it was suumting else. It was dee hatez of a peeples dat deedn't even know me. Dey just grouped mee togedder witch a bunch uf coffees and lattees and frappichinios. Dey deedn't even KNOW Tao Chai Grande.
Beefer I knew it.. I was screaming at da top of me straw, "Fuuuuck Yew Lemon Pound Cake! Fuuuuuuuuuck Yew and yewr icing top and yewr sissy-fied spongey existance! Get yewr damn cakey self outta my straw and outta my sightz beefer I turn you into Lemon Pounded Cake."
And weet dat, Lemon About to be Pounded Cake ran heez lame cakey azz to dat bag and I hadn't seen eem since.
So what I'm azkin yew iz.... what dah fuuck are yew luuking at?
Who dah fuuck are yew judging?
It best not be me coz I'm mudder fuukin Tao Chai Grande and I'll be keeckin yewr azz Tao Chai style if yewr about to be passing yewr heepy deepy huggin a tree legged puppy dawg dat ate a muffler judgementz on me.
Don't make me get Tao Chai Grande on yew azz.