LADEELEROY

2005-04-17

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Stages After Breaking Up- Leroy Style
 
  STAGE I: FEELING OF CONTROL.

Wow. You did it. You were thinking about it and you went and you did it. Holy shit. You have complete control of your life. You can do what you want when you feel like it. And if it's going to alter your entire perspective on life in the most significant way, well, fuuuuuuuck it. Because this is your life and you are going to do what you know you need to do to make it right.

STAGE II: EMOTIONAL DRAIN

So thirsty. Every ounce of hydration once contained in your body is now spread on kleenexes, sleeves and pillowcases. Your brain is tired because it had been whirring at maximum capacity for the last week. The fuses are not blown, but slightly fried. You lose your car keys and break down because you feel completely out of control of what is happening and how you're handling it. Where the fuck are your car keys? Where are they? Where arrrrre they.... god you're so tired. Sleeping doesn't even provide comfort because you wake constantly, thinking. Excited at some moments. Completely unsure the next. Yet you see that your body can still seem to function on a mere 5 hours of sleep. That's when you proceed to Stage III. (see below.)

STAGE III: PARTY WITH COMPLETE ABANDON.

Why not? You don't have to check in with anyone. Go wild. Drinks with the galpals. Party hop. Flirt guiltlessly. Drink some more. Fuck it, you're not driving. Call a cab. Exchange e-mails back and fourth with your friends giving updates, stories, ancedotes of the events that occured while partying. "Then a Indian Leg Wrestling tournament broke out and I ranked top for my gender. My leg really really hurts. Fuck I kicked so much ass." Talk to whomever you want without thinking twice. Pass out on the couch. Drink alot of water. Take some Advil.

STAGE IV: MISSING

Sleeping alone feels a little different. It's not horrible, but it's just different. No warm body there. Just a pillow and a wrinkled up Newsweek. The bed isn't yours and you still haven't figured out how to not make it squeek when you roll over. Your clothes are stacked on a chair. Toiletries in a Walgreens bag. You want a hug. You want a kiss. You want to feel comfortable and safe again. Smell smells that are familiar. You call to see if it's okay to come by and pick up some stuff. He is polite and sweet and says sure and asks how I'm doing and that he wasn't going to be home anyway. You're a bit relieved, but kind of sad as well. When you get to the house, all of the pictures of you and him have been taken down. You see them stacked, face-down, at the foot of the bed and your heart breaks.

STAGE V: GUILT

How can you make someone you care about feel this way? Someone that has been by your side and helped you through moments that were very tough. Patted you on the head. Made toast for you on Sunday mornings. And now he's had to go through the house and take down all of the pictures. How can you do that to someone you love? God. You are incredibly heartless and cruel and mean. You cause pain to people you love. You have wrecked something that was precious. How come you couldn't just tell yourself to get over it and deal? How come you couldn't tell yourself that?

STAGE VI: BEING OKAY WITH IT

There was a reason you made this decision. Gut told you that it wasn't right. There were problems that had been pushed to the back of the burner- not enough time, energy, or strength to bring them out and fix. He said he had some problems, too. You weren't the only one. This is a growth spurt for you. Sometimes growth spurts hurt, but they make you big. It's okay to grow. It's what you are supposed to do. Growth can suck, but in the end you'll be who you are because of it. Just remember that there will be a happy ending to all of this because that's what you want for yourself.

Go back to Stage I.

 
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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy