Hey readers. Thanks for the e-mails and guestbook notes and the notes and the fruit cake. They were all very tasty.
I am doing incredibly well. I mean, yeah, there are moments of sadness, but there's also a sense of relief. I was on the phone with my Mom last night and she said, "You sound like you are lightened." I said that I was. She said, "Good. I was worried about you there for the last couple of months."
"Last couple of months?"
"A Mother knows, Leroy. A Mother knows."
"Shit. I wish you would have told me."
"Well, you have to make those discoveries on your own. It's the only way you find your own path."
My Mom is so fucking awesome. I love her.
Talked to the Pops. "Dad, it was just like, I couldn't do it. I kept trying to convince myself that I could fix whatever it was in me that was feeling this way, but I couldn't."
"The other day I was playing golf and I found myself saying 'If I just slice it to the left and hit it off the tree and maybe a bird will pass that it will knock off of I can make it to the green.' You know what happened?"
"Um. You missed."
"Of course I did. No one could make that shot. There are some things that you will want to work so badly, but when you look at the basic logistics of the situation, it's damn impossible to make it work."
"Golf is a great game. It is the best game ever."
I love my Dad. He's awesome.
"You need some money?" This comes from my little sister. My LITTLE sister. The one with the 60 hour a week theater job- offering ME money.
"No.. I'll be okay. Need to do some magic money tinkering and I'll figure it out. No worries."
"Because I know how you are. You won't ask. If you need money, call me. I want to help."
"I gotta go, my food just got here. I love you. Fucking call me."
"You better, bitch. Fuuuuuc-" click.
I love my sister.
Tuesday night my friends gathered to hang as we've all been busy the last week with different projects. Princess and Moose bought pizza, cherry sours, had a bowl of cigarettes, tequila, and other party making materials.
Later in the evening the 10 of us are all stuffed in a small room that is called the Zen Den. "Tell the high and low of your day," shouts Larson. And one by one everyone went around and told the lows: crappy day at work, shitty nights sleep, bounced checks, dealing with custumers, life in general. Then the highs: love poems from significant others, drooly naps, waking someone up with a Kenny Rogers song.
All gave hugs. All gave kisses. Princess asked, "Are you going to be happy?"
"Yeah. I am."
"As long as you're happy. I'm happy."
Fuck I love my friends.
Breaking up is very hard. Because you know that you're hurting someone that you care about and that you would never want to make feel inadequate, less of a person, bad. But at the sametime, if you stay when you know you should go, you're totally fucking yourself up. It's a no win situation.
So hard to do. But in the long run, all will be right.
Day by day. Live in the present. Be excited with the possibilities of tomorrow. Let the past be the past.
Easier said then done... yes. But take it in and accept. Obla dee obla doo, my friend.