Dear Bastard Who Broke Into My Momís and My Car Saturday Night,
It was a good visit I was having with my Mom. It was a nice visit. A sweet kisses, hugs, love, cuddleriffic, lets have another Baileyís on ice, lemme buy you a pair of jeans sort of visit.
Then came Sunday. Morning had broken, like the first morning. Blackbird had spoken, like the first bird. My ass was awoken, by my Mom saying ďShit. Someone broke into our cars.Ē
Outside, standing in pajama pants, wearing a thin t-shirt, bare feet roughly massaged by the sharp rocks, sticks and leaves on the road, toes pointed to a large pile of glass that had fallen from my driverís side window. Ten feet over my Momís sneakers were pointed to a similar pile of glass below her driverís side window.
Two Hondas with large, gaping holes. They looked like two Siamese twins that had just been separated by a quack surgeon.
And the fact that you broke into my Momís car?!?! My Momís damn car! Who are you? What is your problem? Youíre now going to fuck with my Momís car! Do you know how incredibly horrific that is? How much that just pisses me off? Oh! The humanity! What is this world coming to? What kind of world is this where a Mother and her daughter canít park their two Hondas next to each other without them getting jacked with? Are we now going to have to start making our Hondas wear car barkas? Car barkas that only allow the headlights and the bottom of the tires to show? Are you going to stone our cars if you see a glimpse of hubcaps, a sneak peek of our antennas? Are you, you bastard? This is some bad Karma that youíre dealing with, anonymous jackass. Itís going to come back and not only fuck with you, itís going to fuck with your Mom.
I think that breaking into two Hondas qualifies as a hate crime. What is it? Were you teased by Hondas when you were a child? Maybe a Honda once rejected you and ever since youíve held this hostility towards fuel efficient cars. I bet that you go to junkyards at night and caress the carcasses of Civics and Stanzas and Accords. You probably have a collection of shift knobs floating in jars stashed around your small apartment. I bet you have head rests stashed in vats and sometimes nibble at the vinyl that slowly peels away from old dashboards that youíve got stored in a freezer just to feel closer to a car youíll never be able to have. You probably take the different Honda parts that youíve collected over time and pose them about your living room trying to create situations. Like youíre in a parking lot and a Hondaís clutch just jumps out of its hood and lands at your feet. Or sometimes you like to pretend that a Honda breaks down on the side of the road and needs some wiper fluid and you refill the reservoir with your own bodily fluid.
You owe me a Christmas present because I got mine early and I didnít even want a new driverís side window.
Way to screw up a good weekend, jerk bastard. I hope that your dick tits* fall off.
PS. Youíre an asshole.
* Dick Tits is a trademark phrase copyrighted by Trejo 2003.