LADEELEROY

2005-10-17

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DIARYLAND
 
No. It's not good-bye.
 
  That last entry was cruel. My apologies. Let me give a little background explanation:

When I started LadeeLeroy way back when, I used it totally as a way to escape from a desk job that was slowly rotting my creative brain with constant database updates, phone-calls, mail merging, etc. It was a chance to anonymously say things that were on my mind about how I felt about life.

Mind you, I was 22 at the time.

And holy smokes! People actually read what I wrote. And some of them actually enjoyed it as well. I'd get e-mails from complete strangers telling me stuff that complete strangers don't usually tell each other face-to-face. I think that was the main appeal of having an online journal. The sort of boundary-less communication between human beings is incredible.

But then I made a slight mistake.

I told people about LadeeLeroy. People that I knew. And that was a little scary because now I was allowing others to read these rants and ravings that otherwise I would have kept to myself if it weren't for the easily accessed Internet in conjunction with my awesome typing skills and minimal amount of HTML Skills.

But then those people really enjoyed it. They would say things like, "You need to perform this."

And that's when it occurred to me that I was in a bit too deep. I was standing on the line that divided my reasons for writing LadeeLeroy: was it to entertain or was it to release?

Somehow I convinced myself that it was a way to release while entertaining. A sort of quasi-in-your-face-therapy, if you will.

And I'm glad that I did. I really have no regrets about making that choice. Using LadeeLeroy as a writing/performance device was incredibly exhilarating and gave me so many positive experiences that I wouldn't trade it for anything.

But here's something I should have realized, but didn't: it makes parts of your life a little vulnerable. Especially if you put it all out there with no filter, with no boundaries.

I was 24 at the time I realized this. This was around the time when my brother died.

I cannot tell you how this online journal saved me during that time. To just melt down in front of a computer and have tears make the keys become slick and ungraspable. Letting words fall out of the fingers and into a template that is easily posted with just a simple click of a button. It was a release.

I'm not sure if it was entertaining, but it was definitely a release.

But then how do you keep something for yourself? Yes, I wasn't sharing every little thing, but I fell into the mindset of trying to figure out how to spin every little occurrence into an entry. An entertaining entry, and when I wouldn't produce something that was entertaining to me, I'd keep trying. A sort of obsession.

Then I had an epiphany: "You don't have to write everything down. You don't have to do LadeeLeroy all the time. In fact, you should probably realize that LadeeLeroy is a far extension from who you actually are. Perhaps taking a break from the journal is a good thing."

I was about 26 when this occurred to me.

And it was a relief. Because I was giving myself so much guilt over not producing constantly. Over not giving myself completely when I had done so so often before.

I would get e-mails and guestbook signings saying that I was missed or wondering if I was OK. And that made me feel good, but more guilty than anything. So then I'd write something to please someone else besides myself. And that's not why I write. It's not to please others, it's to please me.

Now I understand that. I write to please myself, not to please others.

I'm 27 now.

I should have learned this lesson a long time ago, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

When Lipman and I split up, I kind of felt like that was a final chapter in LadeeLeroy. He had been such a huge part of my writings because he was such a huge part of my life, of course.

I considered closing LadeeLeroy completely. Take it off line, save the entries on my hard drive to flip through some other time in life.

But I'm not going to do that. Instead, I'm going to tell you guys that I'm not LadeeLeroy.

I'm just a person that likes to write every once in a while. LadeeLeroy has been a huge part of my growing up. Early 20s to late 20s; this journal has chronicled some ups and downs and in betweens.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for being a part of my becoming an adult.

That being said, lets get to the grit.

I am in love. Again. And it's sweet. And it's wonderful. And it's mine. And I don't want to share it with people that only know me as LadeeLeroy.

I hope that doesn't come across as bitchy. I hope that you don't take offense to this at all. I hope that you understand. The lucky person I'm in love with has no clue that this is a decision that I've made. I'm not really even sure if he's ever read any of the entries here. To be honest, I hope that he hasn't. I'm not the same person I was when I started writing LadeeLeroy and while it would probably be incredibly insightful into the delusional brain that created this LadeeLeroy persona, I think it would be a bit jarring as well. Does that make sense? I hope it does.

Bottom line is this: I'm not going to stop LadeeLeroy. But I just need to say that LadeeLeroy is not a priority any more. It hasn't been for sometime and if you're a pretty regular reader, you already know that I've stopped being LadeeLeroy in some form or fashion.

Not updating in 60 days? Come on. That's huge.

LadeeLeroy has saved me many times: during my brother's death, during my getting fired for being LadeeLeroy, during lows, during highs, during durings.

Thank you, LadeeLeroy. Thank you for being there in those times and thank you for being a buffer between reality and imaginary. Thank you for the good times.

I am so incredibly grateful.


This isn't good bye. It's just sort of a nod of acknowledgement that changes have/are/continue to be made.

Please stand-by.


 
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Mellowwwwnade
Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy