Sometimes, I get out of hand. Sometimes, I say and do things that are manipulative, nasty, and down right shitty. Sometimes, I don't think before I speak. Sometimes, I will take generalizations personally and will react to generalizations in the most specific, individual way.
Sometimes, I am a crazy bitch of a girlfriend.
And I'm (sometimes) proud of that.
Saturday, I got in a fight with Lipman. Not a fist fight. Not a throwing-champagne-flutes at the wall fight. Not a detrimental to our future fight.
Just one of your typical 'we've been in a relationship for sometime now and for some reason everything that you are saying sounds like you're a complete douchebag/crazedcrackwhore and I can't stand to even be in the same room with you' sort of arguments.
You know, a 'love spat.'
I'm not good at relationship arguments. I don't have an outline ahead of time of what points I'm going to make, how I'll rebuttal certain statements, what my main throughline will be. I just shoot from the hip. Sometimes all that I'm shooting are blanks, but they still make a loud noise.
I revert to soap opera mode when I get in an relationship argument. I guess that I do this because I'm not around relationship arguments alot. I'm very familiar with friendly disagreements, working miscommunications, frustrated administrative quarrels and spitting contests.
But I've only seen the relationship argument on TV. Guiding Light, All My Children, The Bold and The Beautiful; these are my only guide on how to have an argument with someone you've had sex with in the last 48 hours.
Thank you TV.
How the relationship argument started:
(A side note: all of the following is how I remember the conversation going. I should mention that this occured two days ago, so my brain has had its way with it. I'm sure Lipman has his side of the story as well, but this is the one that's being played in my head. End of Side Note.)
Lipman made a general comment to another person that "young people don't know shit about the world."
I, being included in the general "young people" phrase of the comment, became defensive, but waited to bring up my discomfort that he'd make such an assumption at a later time.
A time when there were not witnesses around that would suspect that my relationship was anything less than perfect.
At home, on the couch, head in Lipman's lap, the conversation evolved into my bringing up that I thought that his comment was 'incorrect.'
He stated that I misinterpretted the comment as a personal attack and that it was to be translated as "When I, Lipman, was a mere lad, I did not know as much about the world as I do today. Today meaning that I am older and have more temporal experience then that of a younger version of myself."
Mind you, the above was only concluded after about 10 minutes of trying to understand exactly what Lipman was saying, because all I was hearing was "I am more superior to you because I am older." That then morphed into "I am not more superior to you, but older people are more superior than younger people because of their legnth of time on earth." Then, "Older people are smart. Young people are smart, too. People, in general, are smart. You are included on the smart list. I am smart. I'm older" followed. Finally, "When I say 'smart' I mean that I am presently 'smart.' When I say young people, I meant 'me at age 24.' When I say 'older' I mean me, Present Day Lipman, as compared to me, 4 Years Ago Lipman."
It took awhile.
However, I was still feeling like he was not listening to me. I felt like all my points about 'temporal' being moot when 'experiences' were brought into the picture were not being acknowledged by his older brain.
I didn't really make that so clear however.
Ladeeleroy: That's so not even right.
Lipman: How so?
Ladeeleroy: Well like, say that you got a 20 year old. And the 20 year-old has alot of shit go on in his life. And say that you've got this 80 year old who just kind of led a really boring life. And like, if you were to sit down and, like, talk to the 20 year old about all their shit. And then you like, go and visit the 80 year old at the nursing home or whatever and you talk to the 80 year old for sometime and you're just so bored because this 80 year old hasn't experienced ANYTHING because it's the most boringest 80 year old that ever lived. Well, then, yeah. I mean, come on. It's so obvious that the 20 year old has more life epxperience with like, the shit that he went through than the 80 year old who didn't do anything. That doesn't make the 80 year old know more shit about the world... because the 80 year old doesn't. Because it's a boring 80 year old.
Lipman: You're saying that the 80 year old's life is boring? But that's only because it's your opinion. The 80 year old is going to think that the 20 year old might have a boring life. It's a matter of opinion.
Ladeeleroy:Yeah, I know it's a matter of opinon. But come on. It's a really boring 80 year old.
Lipman: I was always raised to respect my elders.
Ladeeleroy: But sometimes elders can be complete jack asses and then you'll be fucked because you're respecting the wrong values.
Lipman: Not in all cases.
Ladeeleroy: I KNOW NOT IN ALL CASES. I'm talking about in the cases that are poignant to what I'm saying.
Lipman: So what are you saying?
Ladeeleroy: I'm saying that, even in your generalized statement that later became individualized to be specifically about you... I'm saying that.. I'm trying to say that.. well shit. I can't even get it straight. Let's take (Friend's Name). She's had a hell of a lot more life experience than you have and she's like three years younger. She's experienced more than you have and that just proves that your generalized indvididualized statement is wron -
Lipman: Did you hear what you just said to me?
Ladeeleroy: (Not really sure what she just said but repeats..) That (Friend's Name) has had alot more life experience than you have and she's younger.
Lipman: How can you even say that to me?
Ladeeleroy: Well it's true. I mean she's had to do this life experience and this other awful life experience and she went through this sad life experience-
Lipman:(Switching into his Soap Opera Mode.) I can't belive you're even saying that to me. You don't even realize how nasty you can be sometimes. Do you know how that makes me feel? To be compared? To say that my life experience is nothing compared to (Friend's)? How can you say something so shitty like that to me?
Ladeeleroy: (Not really realizing that what she has said could be interpretted as a horrific thing) What are you talking about? Where are you going? I wasn't-
Lipman: I'm not going to stay here and let you say shitty things to me that make me feel awful. You can be extremely nasty to me sometimes.
Ladeeleroy:Wait a second. YOU were the one that was making me feel shitty about taking a generalization personally and getting my feelings hurt.
Lipman: But I didn't attack YOU personally. You CHOSE to be attacked personally by my general statement.
Ladeeleroy: Because YOUR general statement INCLUDED ME! That's what GENERAL MEANS. It includes ALL. THE GENERAL POPLUATION. GENERAL MEANS I AM INCLUDED. THAT'S THE FUCKING MEANING OF THE WORD.
Lipman:(Grabbing keys and heading to door.) I'm leaving.
Ladeeleroy:(Shifting into Soap Opera Mode.) WHAT? YOU CAN'T LEAVE! We're having an argument!
Lipman: I'm not staying here and let you say awful things about me.
Ladeeleroy: FINE. GO. YOU'RE BEING AN ASSHOLE ANYWAY. HAVE FUN.
Lipman:(Walking out door.) I will. (Door begins to shut.)
Ladeeleroy:(Screaming at closing door.) AND DON'T BOTHER COMING BACK.
Door slams shut.
A metaphoric champagne-flute is lodged by Ladeeleroy at the metaphoric fire place and smashes into a million metaphoric pieces. Metaphoric pictures of Ladeeleroy and Lipman are smashed with baseball bats by Ladeeleroy. Lipman's clothes spontaneously burst into metaphoric flames as Ladeeleroys has metaphorically willed them to do so.
Ladeeleroy: MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE! FUCKING WALKING OUT THE GOD DAMN DOOR! WHAT THE FUCK?!? I'M HAVING AN ARGUMENT AND HE WALKS OUT THE DOOR- YOU CAN'T DO THAT. YOU CAN'T WALK OUT ON AN ARGUMENT. THAT'S NOT FUCKING FIGHTING FAIRLY, GODDAMMIT. THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES!!! ARGHHH!
Ladeeleroy beelines it to the door, thrusts it open, slams it behind her as she throws her body at the passenger side window of Lipman's car.
Ladeeleroy: STOP THE FUCKING CAR.
Car still moves, slowly, out of the parking space. Ladeeleroy walks in front of it. Slamming a fist on the hood.
Ladeeleroy: Wait a goddamn second asshole.
Car stops. Ladeeleroy walks over to driver's side window as Lipman rolls it down dramatically.
Ladeeleroy: So you're just going to fucking walk out the door and not even finish what we are talking about?
Lipman: I can't talk to you right now.
Ladeeleroy: You have to finish this conversation with me.
Lipman: You're too busy attacking me to have a conversation.
Ladeeleroy: You're too busy being a dick to listen to me.
Lipman puts the car in drive and begins to drive away.
Ladeeleroy: Goddammit, Lipman. Listen to me!
As car drives forward, Ladeeleroy throws herself head first through the driver's side window. She ends up with her head between Lipman's legs, her ass blocking his view of the street, her legs bent and pressed against the roof of the car. None of this is in the metaphoric sense.
Ladeeleroy: LISTEN TO ME! GODDAMMIT!
Lipman stops the car. Ladeeleroy positions herself into the passenger side seat and starts to cry.
Ladeeleroy: You're not listening to me!
Lipman: YOU're not listening to ME.
Ladeeleroy:I'M not listening to YOU because you're not listening to ME!
Lipman: Okay. What? What? What do you need to say.
Ladeeleroy: I need to say that sometimes I don't think before I say things that could hurt you. I didn't mean for that to come out like it was a personal attack.
Lipman: That makes it even worse. The fact that your natural inclination is to personally attack me WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT makes me feel like I can't trust you. That your instinct is to attack without even thinking. That's scary to me.
Ladeeleroy: Well I just don't know that I'm doing it. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. Hurting your feelings were not my true intentions.
Lipman: Maybe it's something you'll learn when you get older.
(Alarms go off in Ladeeleroy's head. Her bullshit detector is in the 'high' range.)
Ladeeleroy: Ah. Okay. (Opening door.) Well that's it. Have a good night. I'll see you when you get back.
Lipman: Why are you being so sarcastic?
Ladeeleroy: Because you don't practice what you preach, buddy.
Lipman: Wait.. wait.. wait. Come back here.
Ladeeleroy:(Bursting into blubbering tears.) I didn't realize that what I said was so horrific. I now know it was. If you said that to me, I'd be pissed too. But I didn't mean it. It just came out and I didn't think before I said it. But it's not because I'm younger than you or smarter than you, it's just because I didn't think that my point was getting across and it was, at the time, the only rational way for you to listen to me.
Lipman: Don't cry, Bunty. Please don't cry.
Ladeeleroy: I can't help it. I'm sad. I feel like shit and I'm angry. I'm crying.
Lipman: It's okay. It's okay. Shhhh.
Ladeeleroy: I just get so damn upset because your so stubborn.
Lipman: You're stubborn, too.
Ladeeleroy: I know I am. I just want us to recognize that we disagree and agree at the sametime.
Lipman: Okay. Okay. You're right. Do you agree that what you said to me was a personal attack?
Ladeeleroy: Yes I do. Do you agree that your generalization included me and did not specifically communicate that you were talking about yourself?
Lipman: Yes I do.
Ladeeleroy: Okay. That's all I wanted to hear. Do you disagree with me when I say that (friend's name) has had alot of life experience?
Lipman: I do not disagree with that. I only disagree with the comparison to me without fully discussing and understanding some of my past.
Ladeeleroy: I agree.
Ladeeleroy: That was pretty fucking cool when I jumped through your window, wasn't it?
Lipman: You're nuts. Truly nuts.
Ladeeleroy: Are you still in love with me?
Lipman: Babe- I'm always in love with you. Even when you piss me off.
Ladeeleroy: Cool. Me too. I love you, too.
Ladeeleroy: Can I have a kiss?
Lipman leans in for a kiss. A sweet, loving, soft but filled with true, meaningful intentions sorta kiss.
Ladeeleroy: Since we're in the car, will you take me to Wendy's?
Lipman: Sure babe. Let's go.
And that's it. Wow.
Now that I've typed it all out, it sounds so dramatic. I will stress that everything is fine right now. I was a bit pissy yesterday as an after affect of the argument, but Lipman, with his sweet charm and stick-to-it-tiveness brought me out of the funk and we're back to being cute and disgusting again.
It's almost sort of a relief to know that I am capable of being in that sort of argument and still come out relativly unscathed and without the blood of my loved one on my hands.
Hey. I'm like, in a real relationship and shit.
You know, like the kind you see on Soap Opera's.