LADEELEROY

2005-06-05

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It's Been Awhile Since I've Been Quiet and By Myself
 
  Thank Jeebus for the mix CDs I've received in the last couple of weeks.

Thank Jeebus for Track 04.
Thank Jeebus for Track 07.
Thank Jeebus for Track 12.
Thank Jeebus for Track 14.

Thank Jeebus that I know people that have good music taste and the ability to burn CDs for me at the drop of a hat.

Have you ever gone through a couple of days, maybe weeks, in your life where you feel completely, utterly and horrendously unpassionate and uninspired? Like you wake up and you don't really have anything to look forward to.

That's a drastic sentence. Of course I have things to look forward to. I've got these great friends. I have these great opportunities that are happening. I have great potential for life altering moments. I have this. I know I do. I've experienced it. It's real.

But it's hard to remind yourself of the great potential ahead when you wake up again on another fucking hot Texan day and you don't even want to take a shower because the thought of lathering it up and loofahing seems like the least appetizing thing to do. And yeah, you could cry and bawl, but then you'll just get one of those headaches and you'll be even more sweaty and feel even grosser. Maybe you should make yourself something to eat? Nah. You're not hungry anyway. Maybe go back to sleep? Nah. That will just fuck with your sleeping pattern and Jeebus knows that your sleeping pattern has been fucked the last couple of days anyway.

So you sit.

You sit in complete silence.

And it's been a while since you've sat in complete silence, alone.

It's really quiet.

Too quiet.


Put on one of the mix CDs that you got. Skip ahead to Track 04 or Track 10 or Track 07, Track 14 or fuck it, put it on random because most of the songs on these CDs are awesome.

Now sit again.

......

...

......
Ah, fuck.
...
..
.
.
.
.

Fuck you're crying now.
...
.
.
.
...
..

Thank Jeebus.


Thank Jeebus because you knew that you really hadn't cried like you've needed to the last couple of weeks. Been distracting yourself with shows, with socializing, with crushing, with work, with avoiding work, with partying, with making stupid mistakes and fun mistakes, with not thinking about how you're feeling a little unanchored, a little unsure of what to do, a little scared.

"When one door closes, another one opens," says Mom, "what fucking sucks is that long hallway in between those two doors."


Phew.


There is a peace at the end of a good cry. Luckily, there's not a headache. A good, refreshing awesome cry. Rate it a 10.

Now it's time to make a turkey and lettuce and mayo club. Eat a handful of raw cashews. Have a banana. Drink three glasses of water. Take care of the body because the body is freaking out. The body cries in its own way. You can't give it a kleenex and tell it to suck it up. You have to give it vitamins. And put good things in it. You should quit smoking.

You'll make that decision later. But we'll try it out today, just a sampling.


Phew.

Time to forgive yourself. It's okay to feel this way. It's okay. Jesus Christ, you've actually been doing a really fine job of keeping it together. Sure, you have a couple of things that you should tend to (ie., pay that warrant) but it's okay to let some things slide to the side. You're human, dammit. Humans have to process and sometimes the process contains a little craziness. Forgive yourself for being a little crazy. Applaud yourself for being a little crazy.


Phew.


Drink another glass of water. Get to the fridge and decide that grapefruit juice is actually better.


Phew.


Fucking A. Track 03 is great.


Phew.
Phew.


Wow. Holy moley. Wow. That was something just then, wasn't it? Wow. Life is so neat. Jesus Christ, what a fucking adventure. Phew.


You feel inspired. You feel the haze lift from life a bit. The stuff that was clogging your head is gone. Maybe that wasn't a sinus infection after all, maybe it was just a cry that got stuck and was getting all infected. You should keep taking those vitamins anway, just in case it is a sinus infection.

Phew.

Get up and go update the journal. It's okay. Write it out. Write it all out. Put it out there so that it's out and not in you. Do it. Doitdoitdoitdoitdoit.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


Fucking A. Track 04. Thank you God for OF MONTREAL, for the YEAH YEAH YEAHs, for BRIGHT EYES, for these awesome mix CDs.

Phew.

 
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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy