You know what's a great contraceptive?
Teaching kids part time.
Having a flash of wiping Go!-gurt off of ceiling tiles while in the middle of getting your groove on will instantly ruin any sort of wild inhibition you might have.
Don't get me wrong. I'm actually enjoying the teaching thing. I've perfected my stink-eye. I've started a count of how many times I say "bottom" instead of "ass." I'm excellent at yelling in a mean manner and have the most awesome snatch-my-sunglasses-from-my-face while saying "Did you talk back to me?" schtick ever. It'll make you wet your pants.
But--- being around children for five days a week really makes me think about copulation and birthing and actually raising a child.
I don't think I could do it. And it's not that I lack confidence in my would-be parenting techinique... I'm more afraid that I might hate my kid.
I mean, really. What if my kid is really really annoying? Like, what if he sings songs about poopy pants and boogers so much that even his classmates are sick and tired of it? What if he's the type of kid that thinks that fake falling is funny? I'm serious, I think in the child world, fake falls are fucking comedy gold. And fake kid falls just really piss me off. I mean, it just gets under my skin.
"IF YOU FAKE FALL ONE MORE TIME YOU'LL GET A 10 MINUTE TIME OUT, BUSTER. I'M WARNING YOU."
I don't want to be like that for 18 years of my child life. Angry, annoyed, pissed off, making excuses for every stupid thing he does.
"Well, Little Leroyanna hits other people because she feels like she's not being heard."
"Your daughter sucker punched another child right in the windpipe."
"She's very good at anatomy."
"She also set her desk on fire using a ruler and some dental floss."
"Fascinated by friction."
"Squeezed the class hamster to death."
"She has so much love to give."
"Drew this picture of hacking up Mrs. Wackini into bits."
"What great scale! And look at how she pays attention to detail."
What if I were one of these types of parents? What if I were the type that never told my son or daughter "no." There's alot of that going around lately, it seems to be a craze of sorts. You can't say 'no', you have to say 'that's not an option' or 'make another choice.' How are you going to explain to your child later on down the road that the only option that they have at the moment is a life sentence in jail or lethal injection? That murder in the first degree and murder in the second degree is now the only choice they are presented with.
I'm being dramatic, I know. But I just don't understand the logic of not saying no to a child. I'm not going to say it so often that he becomes neurotic and prefers to spend his adult life in a sand box in his apartment. I'd just say it enough to where he'll know that throwing apple sauce on the retro shag carpet was wrong and that he'll have to pay the consequences for fucking up Mommy's decor.
I don't know where I'm really going with this entry. I think I just came home from work today, exhausted, and just thought about the entire kid thing. I haven't really given much thought to kids before, but being face to face with them every day kind of forces me to acknowledge that this is something I will have to give much thought to.
In the meantime, I'll just enjoy being able to to have sex without thinking about parent teacher confereces, Go-gurt! spattered ceilings, building up someone elses self esteem, all that other stull that I'm sure parents have to think about while doing it.
Must go to store and by more condoms. Maybe double them up, just to be safe.