"I DON'T KNOW."
If I can ever give you any sort of valuable advice it would be to: a)Not listen to the radio , unless it's NPR; b)Wear comfortable shoes at all times; c)Wipe front to back; and d)Use the words "I don't know" whenever they truly apply.
I love the phrase "I don't know." I really don't use it as much as I should. Usually I replace it with words such as "Yes" or "No" or "Fuck it." When I do this, I later find out that it probably would have been better to just go with my good ol' default "IDK."
Let's have an example to prove my point, shall we?
(Insert your positive response here.)
Scene: A kitchen in a greasy dive. You are the new short order chef and you're on fry duty. Goozer, your supervisor has just handed you a large bag of breaded okra.
Goozer: Your first duty is to fry this 20 pound bag of okra. You know how to fry okra, don't you?
You: Yes, I know how to fry okra.
Goozer:Good, then fry this okra.
You: Little does my feeble minded supervisor know, but I have no experience whatsoever with frying okra. However, it cannot be that hard! Let the frying okra ritual commence!
This is when you start to pour the 20 pound bag of breaded okra into the fryer. Oh heavens to Jebus! The impact of the breaded balls of okraness with the boiling surface of 7 year-old frying grease causes large splashes of oil to fly from the frying basket and onto your face!
You: AHHHHHHHHHH! BREADED OKRA BURN! BREADED OKRA BURN! AHHHHHHHHHH! CURSED BALLS OF FLOUR AND VEGETABLES CARRIED OVER ON SLAVE SHIPS! HOW I LOATHE YOUR BURNING FIRE LIKE SENSATIONS! AHH! MY SKIN IS FALLING FROM MY FACE ONTO THE GROUND BELOW! I WOULD SCREAM OUT IN PAIN BUT MY LIPS HAVE MELTED INTO MY CHIN! OH! OH! FIE FIE!
That's when you realize that it probably would have been better to use the phrase "I don't know" when you were asked about your frying okra experience.
Let's see what would have happened if you had used the handy "IDK" instead.
Goozer:Your first duty is to fry this 20 pound bag of okra. You know how to fry okra, don't you?
You: Errrrrr.... Goozer, I have something to tell you. You and I have been in this greasy kitchen of this dive for about 20 minutes all together. I must admit, I have learned much from you and I know that my life is richer purely by fate allowing me to be under your stealthy supervision. However, there is something that you must be made aware of about myself.
Goozer:You're really a spy from Denny's trying to find out what our house dressing is.
You:Haha, Goozer. How you make me laugh so! No, dear Goozer, what I need to inform you of is that, well Goozer, this is hard to say.. I.. I.. I don't know how to fry okra.
Goozer: You're fired.
You: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT FIRRRRED! MY LIFE! MY BILLS! MY LONG-TERM GOALS ALL RUINED WITH ONE ADMISSION OF IGNORANCE! WHY DID I EVER ADMIT THAT I HAD NO CLUE WHEN IT CAME TO FRYING OKRA!
Yes, it's true. You would get fired from the greasy kitchen of that dive. You would loose a potentially romantic interest with Goozer your supervisor. But, little would you know at that particular moment that, four days later, the greasy kitchen of that dive would errupt into a massive ball of corndog-smelling fire that would leave 9 dead and wound Goozer so seriously that he would have to change his name to Oozer.
I believe my point has been made. The phrase "I Don't Know" could possibly save your life. It could possibly save you from a situation that may result in your lips melting into your chin, or worse, into your navel...
Use these words today and see what positive consequences come from their utterance. No need to thank me. Just thank your Higher Power that you know how to read.
You do know how to read don't you?