LADEELEROY

2002-10-08

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Opportunity was fucking Artistic Inclination Behind My Back
 
  A hypothetical situation:

When you graduated college, you were broke off your ass. No money. No place to live. You were eating Ramen with Tabasco sauce for all of your meals. You were staying with a guy you were dating and all of your valuables were stacked in his hall way closet and the trunk of your car.

You felt stuck. You were unhappy. You were clueless as to what the hell you were going to do next.

Then Opportunity comes your way.

Opportunity: Hello. I'm willing to give you a way to have a place of your own, to pay your bills, to eat what you want, when you want.

You: Sounds great! Where do I sign?

Opportunity: Well, it's not really a contract. Instead, you'll have to wear this. Opportunity throws a giant chain attached to a computer and desk in front of you. You'll be required to wear it 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, 52 weeks a year. I consider it to be more of an accesory than a hinderance.

You: But that accesory is in Winter tones and I'm clearly a Fall.

Opportunity: You've got Ramen hanging off your chin there and you smell of Tabasco sauce and desperation.

You: Putting on chain and sitting on desk. I can make up for the mismatch in tones with my personality and flare for decorating.

And there you sit, chained to the desk that Opportnity gave you. One year passes.

You: Hm. Well. I'm able to pay my bills and I'm able to support myself now, but I just feel so empty at the moment.

Artistic Inclintation: I'm baaaaaack.

You: Artistic Inclination! Where have you been? I was looking all over for you.

Artistic Inclination: Oh, girlfriend, I had to get my ass out. Your bland lifestyle was just leaving a nasty ass tacky film all over. I couldn't handle the non-creative, sitting in front of the TV every night habit you'd fallen into. I can handle it when you do that for a week or two, but an entire year?!? Tsk, tsk, sister friend.

You: You look real good.

Artistic Inclination: I always be looking good, girlfriend. I'm Mother Fucking Artistic Inclination! You, on the other hand, look like Asstistic Declination.

You: Is Declination even a word?

Artistic Inclination: It is now. Damn girl. Look at you with that chain! That chain is clearly a Winter and you're a Fall tone.

You: I know. That's what I tried to tell them, but they don't really seem to understand.

Artistic Inclination: Why are you chained up like that?

You: The chain gives me money. Good money. If I wear this chain for long enough, I won't have to wear it ever again.

Artistic Inclination: How long are you planning on wearing that chain?

You: Until I'm 67 and can retire.

Artistic Inclination: You crazy, girlfriend. Can't you see what that chain is doing to you? Can't you see that it's rusting all over yourself. Look at your sensitive skin. It's getting all crustified.

You: Can you help me Artistic Inclination?

Artistic Inclination: Here's what I can do. I can help you out for a couple of hours when you're not in the chain. But the deal is, my help ain't going to be able to pay your bills. It will fill that empty hole that you've been filling with television and alcohol. You'll have to work your ass off, but if you stick with it, it might pay off.

You: But I still have to wear this chain.

Artistic Inclination: Yes. But the chain comes off after 5pm and the Artistic party begins at 7.

You agree. Shedding the chain feels good for those couple of hours that you're free. You and Artistic Inclination hit every artistic spot you can think of in those hours away from the chain: clubs, theaters, film sets, writing meetings, even the lobbies of dormitories. When the clock strikes 8AM, however, you must leave Artistic Inclination sleeping on the couch and put the chain back on.

the chain: Hello.

You: Hello chain.

the chain: You reek of creativity.

You: I'm trying to dilute the smell with this database.

the chain: Make it snappy. It's making me want to wretch.

This occurs everyday for the next two years. You and the chain have your moments of glory.

the chain: Since you've been doing such a great job being my prisoner, I'm adding another link on.

You: Wow. I can scoot farther away from the desk now without spraining my ankle! Thanks chain.

the chain: SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO WORK.

You: Yes sir!

Then, one day, you get a phone call.

Artistic Inclination: Hey baby doll. I got something I need to talk to you about.

You: Hey! What's going on? You sound kind of hung over.

Opportunity: Voice muffled in the background. Do you mind if I use your toothbrush, sweet cheeks?

Artistic Inclination: Answering him. Go ahead sugar booger.

You: WHOA! IS OPPORTUNITY OVER THERE?!?!?!

Artistic Inclination: Yeah. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. We, er. Kind of hooked up a bit. I ran into Opportunity at one of those hypothetical clubs where all of your personas hang out. Well, one thing led to another and we kind of, well... we.. uh.

You: Did you get fingerbanged by Opportunity?

Artistic Inclination: Why do you make it sound so vulgar and horrendous?!?! Ech. I can't believe you said fingerbanged. Really. That's just so harsh.

You: I apologize. It's just that Opportunity kind of got me in this situation that I'm in now.

Artistic Inclination: Well, that's something else I wanted to talk to you about.

Opportuinty: Is this bagel okay to eat?

Artistic Inclination: Yes.. yes.. eat the bagel eat the bagel. I'm on the damn phone.

Opportunity: Who you talking to?

Artistic Inclination: I'm talking to her.

Opportunity: Her her?

Artistic Inclination: Yessssss. Now be quiet.

Opportunity: Does she know about us?

Artistic Inclination: That's what I'm trying to tell her.. but you keep blabbing your big mouth and I can't get a damn word out-

You: Wait. Is there more to tell me?

Artistic Inclination: Well, here's the deal sugar plum. This isn't the first time that Opportunity and I have been fooling around together for sometime.

You: For how long?

Artistic Inclination: For the last two years, really.

You: WHAT!?!?!

Artistic Inclination: Yeah. While you've been with the chain, I've been getting me a bit of Opportunity.

You drop the phone. You can't believe this. The entire time you thought that it was Opportunity that was fucking up your shit. Now you feel betrayed by both Opportunity and Artistic Inlcination.

Artistic Inclination: Baby doll? Baby doll? Are you still there? I still need to talk to you about something.

You: GO AWAY. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THIS TO ME! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS! You were supposed to be my salvation, Artistic Inclination. You were supposed to make me feel warm on those cold nights when I was sitting alone at my desk, wondering if I'd ever escape.

Artistic Inclination: And I did all those things, girlfriend. And I still will.

You: How can I trust you anymore?

Artistic Inclination: You can trust me. I was doing it with Opportunity to help you out, girlfriend. I was getting bopped by the Opp for you to reach the Top.

You: You suck at rhyming.

Artistic Inclination: Shut up and let me talk. Here's the deal. Opportunity has something in the works for you.

You: Is it another fucking chain in Winter tones?

Artistic Inclination: Well, yes and no. It is a chain, but it's in your tones... actually, it's more of a Summer tone, but you are on the borderline of Summer and Fall tones.

You: Go on.

Artistic Inclination: This particular chain will chain you to doing theater.

You: WHAT? CHAINED TO THEATER?!?? THAT'S GREAT!

Artistic Inclination: Well, let me finish. You can only do the type of theater that this chain permits you to do.

Opportunity: Have you told her about the part that requires that she has to rehearse from 6-midnite for two months and learn how to dance and sing?

You: A musical? You know how I feel about musicals, Artistic Inclination.

Artistic Inclination: Yes. I know. You hate them. But, this muscial will give you this chain that will let you into a Special Club where actors get paid mucho mullah.

You: A group of chained actors? What? I don't understand how this is a bad thing.

Artistic Inclination: Well. It's bad in the sense that you can only do plays that belong to the Special Club.

You: What about plays that aren't in the Special Club?

Artistic Inclination: You won't be allowed to do them.

You: What?

Artistic Inclination: But- if you do take Opportunity up on this chain offer, you'll meet his friend Potential To Act For A Living.

You: I've heard of that guy.

Artistic Inclination: Yeah, he's pretty elusive.

You: I heard that he hung out with that chick What You Want To Do With Your Life.

Artistic Inclination: That's the rumor.

You: I bet they fingerbang alll day long.

Artistic Inclination: Stop it with the fingerbanging already. Damn, you've been hanging out with those comics too much.

You: So when do I have to decide all of this?

Artistic Inclination: Well, it's not solid quite yet. I still gotta get it on with Opportunity some more before it all works out, but I think he'll come around if you know what I mean... come. around.

You: Who's the perv now?

Artistic Inclination: I yam.

Opportunity: I got tangled up in the shower curtain again and I can't find my arms.

Artistic Inclination: I have to go.

And then you are left alone in the office that Opportunity put you in. You think to yourself that maybe you've really given Opportunity a bum wrap. Opportunity did get you this job that's paid your bills. And Artstic Inclination's been getting some from Opportunity, so it can't be that bad.

Then you look at the chain.

the chain: I don't know why you're looking at me when we have the clear understanding that you are to look at the computer monitor exactly 7.5 hours while you are here. You've already used up you .5 hour break with that phone call.

You: Hey, chain. How'd we meet?

the chain: Through Opportunity, now GET BACK TO WORK.

And that's when you get a bit confused. Opportunity: Good Guy? Bad Guy? Or just another persona that fingerbangs everyone I know?

This is all hypothetical, of course.

 
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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy