Do you realize- that you have the most beautiful face. Do you realize we're floating in space? Do you realize that happiness makes you cry? Do you realize that everyone you know some day will die and insteaed of saying all of your goodbyes- let them know you realize that life goes fast it's hard to make the good things last you realize the sun doesn't go down it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round. Do your realize. Oh oh. Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die and instead of saying all of your good byes let them know you realize that life goes fast it's hard to make the good things last you realize the sun doesn't go down it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round. Do you realize- that you have the most beautiful face. Do you realize.
The Flaming Lips
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
Jesus Christ. I've had that song stuck in my head since I left Austin on Wednesday.
I've also had Hey Now You're A Rockstar looping as well. I'm sure that I'll expain later, but it's just a weird combintation of songs to have playing in your head at the samtime.
I am fine.
I am doing remarkably well. Better than I thought I'd be. To be honest, the possibility that this may happen has been weighing on me for the last three or four weeks.
I've been crying my heart out of my eyes for the last three weeks.
The last three days, I've had this strange sensation of being in an almost euphoric state with a healthy dose of sadness popping in every once in awhile.
Death is amazing and it gets my respect. However, not to lessen death's value at all, it is only such a small part of Life.
Life is fucking amazing.
(And I know I've already posted song lyrics and am running a risk of being completely dorky by going on a rant of how fucking amazing life is... but how often has my dorky side led you wrong?)
I was thinking how unfair it was that Alex had to have this illness. I was angry that he had to go through so many things that a 14-year-old shouldn't have to go through.
And I was feeling sorry for myself, which is allowable, dammit. My brother's gone. I'm not going to be at his high school graduation. I'm never going to get to be a passenger in his car. He won't be at my wedding and I won't be at his. I'm not going to get to see my brother for the rest of my life.
And that's fucking unfair. And I'm pissed. And I'm sad. I miss him and I'm going to be missing him everyday. Losing your baby brother fucking sucks.
At the sametime, holy mother fucking shit- what a great 14 years it's been. Sure, there were down times, but man- there were alot more good times.
How incredibly lucky I am to have had the experience of being his sister and getting to have such an awesome little brother.
How blessed were the little moments: "Lifting his feet off the ground when we drove over railroad tracks." "Making scrambled eggs in the kitchen." "Bony butt bones digging into your legs when he sat on your lap." "Signing everything in cursive with both his first and last name- even birthday cards for his Mom." "He loved a good fart joke." "The most beautiful hands....."
7,846,320 seconds of joy.
And it's these moments that I'm enchanted with. I'm being carried through the sadness and the sense of loss with the knowledge that I had Alex in my life for only 7,846,320 seconds.
But he'll be in my heart forever.
And there is comfort and sanctuary in that thought.
I'm doing remarkably well.
I'm not even lying when I say that.
Thanks so much for all the e-mails, posts, and good vibes that I've been absorbing. I cannot express how touched I am.
I'm fucking touched.
Memorial service is this weekend. I flew back to Austin yesterday. Will drive to Shreveport on Tuesday. It's going to be a long, strange, enlightening week.
I am awestruck with the experience thus far.