LADEELEROY

2002-06-19

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The Different Stages of Crying
 
  Stage 1:

Oh shit. Now you've done it. You've let a Disturbing Thought into your head. Yes, you tried everything to block it out: cute kittens having bad hair days, babies with cheeks so big that you literally want to eat them, that time you were at that place with those people and they were all having fun with you and you were all having fun with them at that place that was there that time. But nothing worked- not even that one scene in Mannequin I where Hollywood makes some snide stereotypical remark about something gay. Not even Hollywood can stop the Disturbing Thought from entering your head. It is unstoppable.

Stage 2:

Well the Disturbing Thought has made its way to the Crying Weigh-In Station. The attendant there took a look inside to make sure that it wasn't transporting any sort of psychotic thoughts to the brain. The Disturbing Thought checked out to be one of the normal types of Disturbing Thoughts- no blood lust or suicidal tendencies- just your ol'-run-of-the-mill Disturbing Thought. The attendant makes note of the weight- it's a 7.56. That'll transfer over nicely to a good crying session. The attendant waves the Disturbing Thought through.

Stage 3:

The Disturbing Thought is processed through the brain. Every inch of it is scrutinized and the Disturbing Thought is given the new title Valid Fear. With its new name badge tacked on, the Valid Fear makes its way to the Water Works station.

Stage 4:

Everything is chaotic at the Water Works station. Apparently, there's been a rise in the pollen count as of late and the Water Works station has been working overtime. Then a very touching episode of Third Rock From The Sun was on and the Water Works were called in. On top of all of that, PMS made a surprise stop and just caused all sorts of bitchy havoc. But when the Valid Fear enters, all activity ceases. Valid Fears are the Water Works' specialty. It's in these moments that the Water Works gets its chance to shine.

Stage 5:

"Get those tear ducts ready," shouts the head foreman, who looks remarkably like Mike Ditka, "Someone let the nostrils know that they're going to have to open that new batch of Snot. This is a Valid Fear we're talking about heeeere." All the Water Works employees scamper into place. The Knot In Throat Team dawn their gear and head towards their point of attack. The Horrible Facial Expressions Team takes firm grasp of the nerve endings that they'll soon be manipulating. The Numb Lips and Mild Headache Team start strategizing which order they'd like to occur. All eyes turn to the Water Works Foreman.

Stage 5:

The Water Works Foreman signals the Valid Fear to make its way into the Realization Tank. Bravely, the Valid Fear steps in, but only after making one last speech to the on-lookers: "I am not something to be avoided. It is only by facing me that we can somehow work our way to some sort of understanding."

"Jesbus Rice. Those Valid Fears think they're so hiiiigh and mighty," one of the Water Works employees whispers to another.

The Valid Fear then shuts the door to the Realization Tank. "Waaaaait fooooooooor it...," the Water Works Foreman says as he listens for the magical "click" sound that occurs when Valid Fear, Realization and The Emotion Gang merge into one.

Stage 6:

*Click*

Stage 7:

"ALL STATIONS GO!," shouts the Water Works Foreman. The Knot In Throat gang repel into the lower part of the throat. With their Steel Toed Boots of Woe they stomp and punch until a firm knot is achieved. "KNOT IN THE HOLE!," they announce, signaling Captain Tear Ducts and his Bandits of Boo Hoos to jump into action. A Bandit gets into postion: arms crossed across his tear chest, ankles crossed, chin tucked. "You've been a great Bandit of Boo Hoo," Captain Tear Ducts says to each before their descent, "Now go out there and show them the Salty Goodness you're made of!" Captain Tear Ducts repeats this speech before every Bandit of Bood Hoo shoves itself out of the Portal of Relief. Meanwhile, The Horrible Facial Expressions Team is having their way with the face. "Oh, that's just hideous... make that right eye squint even more.. GREAT JOB!," the team leader says as the lips twist in various directions, the nostrils flare out and the forehead crinkles. "It's just so horrific... ADD MORE SNOT!" The Snot Brigade moves into place, dumping buckets of ACME Snot (C) until their resources are dimminished. "Snaught Brrreegade to da Brrreedge," pages one of the officers, who just happens to be Scottish. "This is Bridge," responds the Water Works Foreman. "Sirr, wee cain't gew on mooch longerah. Wee joost doon't heeve any morrrre Snaught. Wee cain't keep up with this weely neeely pace that yur requesting, Sir. It's joost naught possible."

Stage 8:

The Water Works Foreman calls out, "Okay, folks. Let's start tapering off. Numb Lips and Mild Headache Team, get into position." The NLMH Team scurry into place. The Lip Sector grip their hands around key blood vessels and bend them much like a hose, causing a the blood vessel to crease. "We've got tingle!," one of them announces. "Let's wait for total paralysis in the upper lip. That one's a classic.," another requests. Meanwhile, the Mild Headache Sector starts poking the frontal lobe of the brain with sticks. "Everyone else gets to have some punny kinda of tool that they use. And here we are with just plain old sticks. Damn. Something must be out of whack with the Creative Writing Database," a stick poking type of poker guy says to another stick poking poker guy.

Stage 9:

With a Mild Headache and Numb Lips in full force, the Water Works foreman calls everyone in for a wrap-up conference. "We've had quite a day. But each and everyone of you worked your damn asses off. For that, I would like to congratulate you for a job well done. You've proved time and again that you've got what it takes to make a Good Cry. All of you are fine workers. The best a Water Works Foreman could ask for. I don't care what anyone else in the body says- the Spine may be pretty amazing, but here in the Water Works, we've got our shit down tight. Now go take a nap, all of you. We're going to have a long couple of days ahead." Applause breaks out in the Water Works as each Water Works Worker returns home and downs a six pack of Endorphins and wonders when the next episode of Golden Girls will strike a chord.


PS. Thank you all for the comments and e-mails I've gotten. It's absolutely amazing and incredibly touching to receive the support I have from the strangers out in the worls. Humans are actually pretty damn neat, I've decided.

 
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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy