Ask the following in a sympathetic way: "Hey, are you sick?"
If the person you are questioning says, "Yes. Yes, I am sick." Proceed to Part A.
If the person you are questiong answers, "No. No I am not sick." Proceed to Part 1.
Ask the person in a very sincere tone, "Well what do you think you have?"
If the person says, "I've got a fever and my head feels kind of stuffed up.," proceed to part B.
The person you are questioning is most likely not sick. Maybe they are just tired and sound sick. Or maybe you're one of those people who autmatically assumes that everyone around them is sick and contagious. You should probably look in the mirror and say to yourself, "Why do I do that? Isn't that rude of me? Why am I so rude?"
But then you realize that while you were saying that the lights were turned off and the water in your sink was running and you've some how summoned up the spirit of BLOODY MARY.
She appears, along with two doors and a bloody mary alcohol drink. She doesn't say anything because she has to make an appearance in an elementary school bathroom in a couple of seconds. She simply points to the doors.
If you would like to go through the door makred "DUNGEON" go to Part 23. If you would like to do through the other door marked "LION'S DEN" go to Part 36.
Nod in sympathy with the person for you can relate to the discomfort one has when a fever and stuffed up head invades the body. Say to the person, "Man that sucks. Did you have to take off work today?"
If the person says, "No. No I didn't because I don't have a job." Proceed to PART CA1.
Whoopee! A hot air balloon ride! This is going to be great! You've always wanted to ride on one of those big balls of hot air, looking over the basket's edge to admire the organic pathwork puzzle that is your Mother Earth.
Get in your car and drive to the location you were told to meet everyone at. Oh, hoorah! It's all of your closest friends! All of them! Every single one that you've had since you went to highschool.
And they all have posters with your name on them! And they are cheering for you for no other reason than their pure love and admiration for your existance.
The joy! The rapture! The love!
Everyone gathers into the basket with you. It is a very tight fit, but you don't care because you use Dial. The balloon is all fired up and slowly, so slowly it floats above the earth.
Everyone oohs and ahhs at the majestic landscape. Some people paint water colors of what they see. Others write poetry and music. You just absorb all of it in because this is a magical moment that will never be relived.
Suddenly, the hot air balloon begins to faulter. It dips and lulls in the atmosphere. The watercolors get smeared, the poetry turns to crap and the music becomes hip hop. The conductor of the balloon says, "We need to drop 145 pounds if we want to live!"
You weigh 145 pounds. If you volunteer to jump off the balloon to your death, go to Part 42. If you remain quiet and hope someone else volunteers to jump, go through the magical door that suddenly appears that says "DUNGEON" and go to Part 23 because I don't feel like writing something creative for your selfish ass.
You are now in the dungeon. There are people hanging from the wall locked in chains. Someone is screaming in the distance a bloody rage type scream. You look up to see giant sharp spears hanging above you. Suddenly, the sharp spears drop swiftly towards your head. You jump out of the way and watch as the sharp spears crash into the very spot where you once stood. Out of excitment you jump up and down and say, "Huzzah Huzzah! Celebration!" While screaming this, you inhale the air around you which carries airborne diseases. You die 4 days later. GO BACK TO TOP.
The person answers, "Okay, your loss."
Hang up the phone.
Sit alone in your apartment looking at the water stains and the roach droppings. Get up and find some old granola bars in the cupboard. Eat them all.
Watch the clock tick away the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days.
Realize that your life has no purpose, meaning, or direction. Realize that you never take chances or go on any cool adventures. You are a sad, sad, sad, individual.
Get up and go to your computer. Surf the internet. Start an online journal as an excuse for living.
GO BACK TO TOP.
You walk into the Lion's Den. OH MY GOD THERE ARE LIONS EVERYWHERE AND THEY ALL TURN AND LOOK AT YOU AND YOU START TO SWEAT BECAUSE THEY ALL LOOK HUNGRY AND OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS ROOM WHEN YOU COULD HAVE GONE TO THE DUNGEON AND WHY DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING MORE WITH YOU LIFE WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE AND HAVE YOU EVER REALLY BEEN IN LOVE OR WAS IT ALL JUST AN ILLUSION! WOE! WOE! WOE! Then, one of the lionesses stalks over to you and sniffs you. She growls a bit and you don't move. Suddenly, she pisses all over you for you carry the scent of fertility. The other lions back off. Many years pass and you and the lioness are constant companions. You have never been more in love with another living creature. Unfortunately, you two cannot mate because of a flaw in species compatibility. Every night you fall asleep by your lovely lioness and, at times, you shed tears that this love cannot produce offspring that will carry on the DNA of two creatures in love. While you are completely happy with your lifestyle as it is, you do feel a bit of emptiness. This continues for years and years. Finally, one day, you die. The lioness finds an alpha male within 15 minutes of your death and they mate. They have 6 cubs. None of them look like you. GO BACK TO TOP.
You know this person is actually sick. How do you know this? Because this person doesn't have a job. People without jobs don't want to be sick. It's a fact. Why? Because people without jobs don't have a reason to skip anything, like work, using an excuse such as, "I'm sick" beause they get to sit around and watch day time television WHENEVER THEY WANT TO. Being sick is an inconvenience to them. They don't have insurance, they don't have enough money to go to the store and buy loads of Vitamin C and Chicken Noodle soup... they have to sit and hope that their immune system will just have enough antibodies to get over what the fuck it is they have and in the meantime still be unemployed without any glimpse of hope and employment in the distance.
Say to this person, "Bummer. Hope you feel better."
All of a sudden the person says, "Thanks. Would you like to go with me on a hot air balloon ride?"
If you say "YES" go to Part 5AT.
If you say "NO" got to Part TY1.
Your friends begin to cry because they know that you are about to sacrifice your life for them, just like Jesus, but in another sort of way.
You climb to the edge of the basket and look over to take one last glipmse of mortality. You steady yourself and slowly let your 145 pounds lean over.
Suddenly, you are freefalling. The wind gushes by your face and forces itself into your nostrils, your mouth, your lungs. You do not struggle but take it all in because you are the type of person that takes each moment of life as a blessing.
You are awoken by the phone. It is your friend, LadeeLeroy. She sounds sick. GO BACK TO TOP.