LADEELEROY

2002-07-12

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I May Be Losing My Man To Some Fucking Baby Guppies
 
  Lipman's becoming a bit too obsessed with the fishes lately.

One of our guppies gave birth to about 30 baby guppies, but we didn't notice until only 4 were left as the other 26 had been eaten.

Lipman probably became attached to them as he was home alone when he realized that a birthism had occured. I received about two frantic phone calls at work giving me updates on the situation. When I arrived home, the living room was strewn with wet fish nets, empty mason jars, a pitcher, tap water conditioner, and a large aluminum pot that I soon discovered was the "fish hospice" for the baby guppies that "weren't looking so well."

The last week or so, he's been fawning over these baby guppies. He calls them "sweet angels" and coos and caahs while hunched over the aquarium. "Oh! They have the most precious eyes! Look how they eat and eat!"

I have to admit, I've gotten a little jealous of these damn baby guppies.

"Hundee," I asked, "If there was a fire and you could only rescue one thing from the house would it be me or the baby guppies?"

He paused.

He fucking paused.

"Well the fish are pretty helpless as they don't have legs so my inclination would be to-"

I don't even know how it ended because I walked away from the conversation disgusted. Later on that night I lay on the couch, trying not to let myself fall into a depression about some other stuff that was not related to the fish.

"Hundee, will you pat my head?" which is LadeeLeroy code for "PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEE."

"I will in a second Bunty. I just need to boil an egg to feed to the guppies."

Twenty minutes later I fell asleep on the couch, head unpatted, listening to sounds of Lipman whispering to the baby guppies "Eat up my sweet darlings! Eat the protein enriched eggy goodness poppa has made for you."

Damn those baby guppy harlots. Stealing my man with their big ol' heads and sperm-like bodies.

It just makes me sick. Sick sick sick.

Lipman reaffirmed later that I was, indeed, his number one gal. Two minutes later he requested that I make a 'cute guppy face' and proceeded to make-out with me when I complied.

I felt so dirty. So used.

If this doesn't stop, those damn baby guppies will have another thing coming.. and it won't be a fucking egg yolk.

 
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Copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 L.Leroy