Dear Lady Who Was In Front Of Me in Line at the HEB on Oltorf and Congress Last Night:
WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? Why the hell would anyone buy THAT much Dr. Pepper? Granted, I understand that it is a very tasty beverage and that there was a two for the price of one deal going on... but Jesus Hubert Christ... 22 cases? 22 cases of Dr. Pepper?
What the hell are you doing with 22 cases of Dr. Pepper? And why the fuck are you standing in the express lane?
Can you NOT see that I'm just getting a tube of toothpastes, a bottle of water, and some Merlot. Mind you, only one bottle of Merlot, not 22 bottles of Merlot. Because 22 of any type of beverage is excessive. Unless it's a beverage made of air. If you bought 22 cases of air, I would maybe not look at you so harshly. Stupidly, yes, because air is free, but not harshly.
But, if you didn't have a dispute with the manager about your food stamps not covering the purchase of said 22 cases of Dr. Pepper, maybe I wouldn't look at you so harshly. And maybe, if, after you realized that said food stamp card would not suffice in the purchase, whipping out your credit card and asking for $50 cash back, I wouldn't look at you so harshly. And, maybe after you fucked up using the ATM machine, hence requiring the manager to return to the check-out counter to void the transactions, I wouldn't look at you harshly. And maybe... just maybe.... I wouldn't look at you so harshly if you DIDN'T ANSWER YOUR CELL PHONE DURING THE ENTIRE TRANSACTION.
Jesus Humphreycakes Christ! Yeah, okay, I was going to overlook the food stamp/ purchasing Dr. Pepper issues, because in my mind, I had rationalized that perhaps you had a little child that was having a birthday party and, since you could not afford to buy cake or balloons, or party napkins, you figured that you would make your child's day by purchasing 22 cases of Dr. Pepper. That was fine by me... but when you whip out a gold card, ask for $50 bucks cashback, and talk on your cell phone after attempting to fanagle the cashier into voiding the transaction that you just fucked up on the credit card machine--- well that's just too far! If you're going to fake being poor, FUCKING FAKE BEING POOR! Dress the part. Change the ringer song on your phone from Tchivaslovskyeiesie's Battle of 1812 to something more poor sounding, like "I Like Bread And Butter." Instead of whipping out your gold credit card, whip out the pictures of your thirsty children and begin to weep....
Do this especially when there's a 24-year-old girl with a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of wine, and a bottle of water standing behind you... ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S A FUCKING EXPRESS LANE AND YOU HAVE 22 CASES OF FUCKING DR. PEPPER! ESPECIALLY WHEN SAID GAL BEHIND YOU HAS SPENT THE LAST 7 HOURS OF HER LIFE SITTING IN A CAR WITH NO RADIO. ESPECIALLY WHEN SAID GAL REALIZES THAT SHE HAS CHOSEN THE WORST TIME TO COME TO ONE OF AUSTIN'S WORST LOCAL SUPERMARKETS BUT KNOWS THAT SHE REALLY NEEDS TOOTHPASTE.... ARGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHH!
I hate you. I loathe you. I hope that your teeth fall out from that bubbly fructose drink. I hope that the person on the other end of your cell phone conversation was calling you to tell you that you've been found out by the government for your little food stamp scam. I hope that the next time you get into an express lane, needing only to purchase your life-saving insulin and perhaps a bag of carrots that there is a dumb ass in front of you buying 22 votive candles, hence causing the cashier and the bag boy to stand there, wrapping each votive candle efficiently as to avoid votive breakage on the transport home while your body uses the last bit of insulin it has, causing you to become weak and seizure-ish.. I hope you to fall on the ground, the life-saving insulin dropping from your hands, onto the floor, its tiny vial breaking into 236 pieces... some pieces of glass landing on your face...little drops of insulin on the shards drip into your mouth and saves you from death..
I do not wish you dead.. but I do hope that the next time you decide to purchase 22 cases of Dr. Pepper, you'll consider the people behind you with only 3 items and realize that you are a piece of shit that takes advantage of any type of system that is set up to help you and your fellow human beings.
That is all.
PS. You're Not Really An Asshole, You Just Pissed Me Off Pretty Bad