Have I ever told you guys about my friend Ranger? (aka "BigFatHairyAlan")? No? Because I should have by now.
Ranger is one of my closest buds in the world. When I moved back into the dorms my senior year of college (yes, you read right- back into the dorms) Ranger was my salvation by reminding me that I was still a cool person. We'd smoke cigarettes on the bike racks outside or go to a creek side picnic table and get stoopid, our bodies making 360o circles, all the while laughing and mumbling "I'm on an aiiiiiiirplane! I'm on an aiiiiiiiirplane."
Ranger's just one of my great good time friends. He is one of my favorite Man Friends.
And, since he is bestowed with such a title, he was kind enough to accompany me to a some what entertaining party on Friday night.
The party was not in the least lame. It was very party like. I'm sure I would have enjoyed it more if I were better friends with more than just 3 people there. Luckily, Ranger was there by my side. Sooner or later, we found ourselves, once again, alone in a corner of a room packed with people, and, of course, being stoopid.
"Dude. Have I told you about The Jacket?," Ranger asks while riding on his aiiiiirplane.
Of course I know about The Jacket. It's the same The Jacket that I've had four previous conversations with him about. I know what color it is. I know exactly how it fits him. I know that he'll have to move to a cabin in the woods when he gets it. But I do not stop Mr. Ranger from his story, because A) he loves talking about this jacket and B) he's a funny mother fucker.
"I'm telling you, Ladeeleroy. I need to get The Jacket. I mean, yeah, I have my black leather jacket from high school. But let's be honest here, it's not a cool jacket. I'm standing around outside with my black jacket on and I look around and I think to myself, 'Everyone looks better than me.' And I know it's because of my black jacket from high school."
"Yeah, Ranger, that black jacket does look a little ragged."
"That's not my point. I'm just saying that I am a difficult body to jacket. I mean, I'm a big guy. I've got hair on my back. I've got this dimple and all this facial hair. And form fitting black leather jacket is not the type of jacket my body needs. So I go into this store... and it's right there on a rack... (Singy) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh The Perfect Jacket Ever. And I put it on and I look at myself in it, and dammit, Ladeeleroy. I look fucking good in this jacket."
"NO. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I LOOK FUCKING GOOD IN THIS JACKET."
"Why do you look so good in this jacket?"
"Well, it's not a jacket that other people could pull off. First off... it's got fringe."
"Fringe is gay, Ranger."
"Nu-uh. Fringe is the ultimate hard cock accessory when it's on this jacket. It's on the sleeve. It's along the chest. It's not a gay looking fringe. It's a fringe that I can pull off. It'll also accentuate all my body gestures... which is cool because I make alot of gestures with my arms. (He shows me an example...) Hi there. I'm Ranger McRangerskie. I have a large cock. (example ends with his arms akimbo) See? Fringe just looks good. Unless it gets wet, then it'll just curl and curley fringe is pretty gay... but I'll steam it or whatever."
"Yeah, just don't let it curl because I won't be able to hang out with you if you're going to be curely fringe man."
"Hold on Woman Friend of Mine... that's not all. This jacket is just..... (his eyes kind of glaze over) it's just everything that would make me perfect. It is The Perfect Jacket For Me."
"Well, you should go buy The Jacket dude."
"I can't afford The Jacket. The Jacket costs money."
"Dude- put it on layaway."
Ranger looks at me; an expression of help and salvation crosses his face: "lay-a-waaaaaaaaaay?"
"Yeah, dude. You just put a percentage down and they hold it for you as you make payments over 90 days or something."
Ranger of course, stares at me for about 8 seconds, most likely calculating how to put The Jacket on Layaway.
"I'll put it on layaway.... yesss, laaaayaway."
"You better do something because I'm fucking sick of hearing about this jacket."
"What? I've told you about The Jacket?"
"This is the fourth conversation that we've had about it, dude."
"THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S THE FUCKING BEST JACKET EVER."
And our conversation continues from there- touching on topics such as Pukey McGee, other close friends of ours, and the occasional "Make out with me!" "NO! YOU make out WITH ME!"
Then, today, as I'm sitting on my computer, hypnotized by data entry I get the following IM:
RANGER: guess what i just did?
RANGER: put the motherfucking jacket on LAYAWAY!!!
RANGER: and masturbated
LADEELEROY: Of course.
RANGER: a little
LADEELEROY: But only as a celebration.
RANGER: of course
LADEELEORY: Did it remeber you?
RANGER: oh yes
LADEELEROY: And you still looked fine in it?
RANGER: hella fine
LADEELEROY: You're going to be the fringe pimp of Fringe Pimp Daddy Street.
RANGER: i'm going to have to move to the woods
LADEELEROY: And buy and axe.
LADEELEROY: And an oxe.
RANGER: and grow the full beard back
RANGER: this is not a jacket you want to fuck around with in a goatee
LADEELEROY: nah.. you'd be considered a poser....in fringe
RANGER: and look like an ass
RANGER: but with the full beard everyone will be like....."Damn....i bet he looks like a frontiersman even out of the jacket
LADEELEROY: "Even Naked..."
LADEELEROY: or "Nekkid.."
RANGER: then i just sit back and enjoy the 'perks'.
LADEELEROY: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh yes. A BJ with fringe.
LADEELEROY: The ultimate stimulator.
RANGER: you're telling me
LADEELEROY: No I'm not.
LADEELEROY: It's an "understood"
RANGER: i need to buy some fringe underwear
So I asked Ranger to send me a picture of The Jacket so that I could get a full mental picture.
Here it is:
Damn. I may have to upgrade Ranger's status from "Man Friend" to "Man Friend That I Occasionally Make Out With Purely Because Of His Fine Ass Fringe Jacket."