I've recently come to realize that I am a nurturer.
Which surprised me, because, well, I don't know why it surprised me. I guess I always thought of myself as the hard core chick that liked to do whiskey shots and talk about sex and would freely tell someone to fuck off whenever I damn well felt the need. Then, I would jump into my Honda Hot Rod and fly down the highway at dangerous speeds, smacking on a piece of hard core orange-flavored Nicorette- daring those Pig Fucking Bacon Cops to try and catch me.
However, it turns out that my real instinct is to take any sort of living creature and attach it to my breast so that it can suckle my loving warm nature from my Moonbeam teet. Then I would wrap it in swaddling swaddles and feed it cut up Chicken Nuggets from Chick-Fil-A until it is full of Jesus-Loving Chicken and wants to take a nap. My body would wrap around it and become a human blanket until the proper amount of REM rounds were achieved.
Holy shit, I've got Nurturing Instincts.
This occured to me when Lipman recently became sick. Not a puking, ass of fire, fever kind of sick. Just more of a snotty nose, coughing/wheezing, I'd-rather-just-take-a-bath kind of sick. He never gets sick. Ever. So this was a big deal. The first sign of him even being under the weather I went into a full fledged Nurturer mode. I wrapped him in three blankets and slathered his manly man chest with some Vic's Vapo-Rub..nothing sexier than a greased up, snotty nosed man wrapped in blankets to get Ladeeleroy's cogs going.
To the grocery store I went, looking for medical supplies and comfort food. Gung ho was I as I gathered Breathe Right Strips With Menthol Vapor Actions, some Hill County Fair Orange Juice with Extra Vitamin C, Chap Stick, generic branded Tylenol Day Time Cold, as well as it's polar brother Night Time Cold, some Green Tea with Echinacea, as well as some Chamomille, a big jar of Cambell's hearty chicken noodle and vegetable soup (the kind that comes in the glass, not that tin can crap), and a box of menthol lotioned 3-ply kleenexes. I also bought 6 of his new favorite Chocolate Bars, Fast Break, so that he could have little treat if he wanted one during his sick day.
When I got back home, he had kicked all the blanket off of himself and had complete the box of tissues I'd left, only to substitute with a roll of toilet paper.
"Ohhhhh. Mee puuuur Leepman. Is yous seeeeck sweetie peetie pie?," I asked.
"Mmmmmm Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." he answered, with his lower leep steecking way out.
"Ohhhhhh. Meeee puuuur puuuuuur honeee buneeeee. Ladeeleroy gots yous some schtuff dat weel make yous alllllll bettah."
I know. It's incredibly disgusting to even imagine two people talking to each other in these voices. But I swear to Jebus, talking like this is one of my secret addictions in life. I do it in my car when no one is around. My best friends and I secretly conversate in these voices in back alleys and brothels. It's as addictive as crack rock and gets you almost as high, but not to the point where you'd sell your Scoliosis brace for it.
And it also makes people feel better when they're sick. I promise.
"Honee bunee. Do yew want mee to make some teeeeeeeaaaa fur you?"
"Yous gots meeees some teeeeeeeea?"
"Mmm Hmm. Coz I knows you are all seecky and I dot to meeself, "Hm. I bet Leepman would like some teeeeas.""
"Ohhh, hunnnnneeeee. Yessssh. Yesh, please make meeee sum greeeeeeeen tea."
"MMkay. I's bees rights back witchewr teeeeeeeeaaaa hunnneeeeeeeeeee."
"Teaaaaaaaaaaa fur you!"
"Teaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa fur meeeee!"
If it were illegal for talking this way to a person when they're sick, I'd have my veins chock full of urine by now- or whatever they use for Lethal Injections.
"Huneeeeee. Do yew want a Breeve Reet Streep fur your noooose?"
"A Breeve Reet Streep."
"Whats a Breeve Reet Streep."
"It's a Breathe Right Strip. When you scratch it, menthol vapors come off of it."
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Me likes meeeeeeeeeeenthalllll."
"I knew yew wuuuuuud. Lemme put it on for yewwwwwwwww."
I might as well just get one of those blue rubber things that Moms use on their newborn infant's noses when they get all snottified. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's like a Turkey baster, except you stick up a baby's nose and squeeze the blue ball thing and all the snot gets sucked out of it... anyway... the way this conversation continues is enough to show how incredibly Takey-Carey I am of my loved ones when they show any signs of sickness.
If I were a wolf in a wolf pack, I'd probably get eaten by my family because I'd stick around to care for the cub that got attacked by the Alpha Male. That would be a good Disney movie.
I'm rambling aren't I?
I got a video cam at work yesterday. I had written an entry to introduce it, but it was just a bunch of self masturbation (the writing- not the images.) But, since I do have it, I wanna post a picture of me at work.
Here it is.
I need wash my hair. I know.
If this picture were put on "AM I HOT OR NOT?" I'd get a 2.8. Purely because I'd keep voting for myself.