Don't look at me!
I'm hideous. I'm a disgusting sight.
No. No, please! Do not remeove this paperbag from my head... you.. you .. don't want to see my face. It's just awful. Youll never be able to look at me the same way again. Please...don't--
GET THE BAG! GET THE BAG!
Oh good Lord. I haven't had pink eye since I was 9 years old. I feel so dirty. So disgusting.
I came into the office today, wearing my glasses, an uncommon sight.
Supervisor: Why good morning Miss Ladeeleroy! How are you to- OHMYFUCKINGGODYOUREYEITSHIDEOUS! PUTITAWAYPUTITAWAY! DON'TTOUCHME! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! THAT'SDISGUSTING!
Ladeeleroy: Good morning. I've got pink eye.
Supervisor: Well, I'm sure it's not that bad... it just took me by surprise. Excuse me as I run away from you without making any sort of eye contact.
I couldn't even open my eye this morning. I first tried prying it open with my fingers, but when that pain was too intense, I retreated to the bathroom and proceeded with the nail file technique. The sound of my sawing away at my eyeball must have been louder than I thought because it woke Lipman up.
Lipman:(in his sleepy sexy Australian tone) Ba-abe. What're you doing, my sweet pile of prettiness?
Ladeeleroy:(Hiding nail file and looking at the bathroom counter, feigning interest in the toothpaste splatters.) Um. Nothing. Please, go back to sleep my sweetest pea. There's no need to be troubled with the sight of me filing at my eyeball with a metal piece of sandpaper.
Lipman: Ba-abe. Let me see your pretty face. I love to wake up to you every morning and think about how we'll - OHHOLYJESUSLORD! MYGAWD! THAT'SBLOODYDISGUSTING! GOODLORDDAWLING! YOUREYEBALLISALLPUSSY! I'MFALLINGOUTOFLOVEWITHYOUBECAUSEOFYOURDISGUSTINGEYE!
Ladeeleroy: I think I've got conjunctivitus.
Lipman: Have you been sleeping around? Because I was tested for conjunctivitus and I know that I don't have-
Ladeeleroy: No no. It's not an STD. It's an eye thing. It's like getting a cold in your eyeball.
Lipman: Well, honey your eyeball looks like it needs a tissue or something because it's snotting all over the place.
So anyway. I've got pink eye. Everyone is trying to be sympathetic but still make mental notes of everything I touch so that they won't touch it later. I've taken the liberty to draw a better looking eye on a post-it note and have it taped to my glasses so that complete strangers might think that I lost my eyeball in some horrible shish-ka-bob accident and am trying to be a part of the 'normal' world with my fake post-it note eyeball.