I went roller skating last night. I haven't roller skated since my freshman year of high school. Good lord. People that you see at skating rinks are just an entirely different breed.
Mr. Rail: Damn these skates. Damn these legs. Damn those people who have the ability to skate. I will persevere. I will not fall. I will slowly make my way around the circle 6 times in the three hours that I have been here. Yes, I am aware that I look like an idiot. Yes, I am 28-years-old and have never learned to skate. Yes, I am wearing khakis and a now drenched Hawaiian shirt.. but dammitalltohell. I will learn to skate before this night is over. Just do not touch me. Do not pass me too quickly, for the wind resulting from such passage will result in my falling on my ass, followed by the traumatic act of trying to get back up while trying to look cool. This will take me about 7 minutes, and will include many subsequent falls. Stay away from me. I am allergic to gravity and I will not get off the floor during Couple skate because I haven't figured out how to actually steer yet. And stopping? Well, I can stop, but only if there's a wall in front of me. Preferable a carpeted wall, but any wall-like structure will do.
Ms. Bad Ass Skater: Word up bitches. I'm going to skate backwards the entire time I am here. Notice that I don't need the brown rental skates because I have the GalacticaXP Double Axled LX blue seude rollers. You can all eat my dust as I swerve in between you, backwards, at high rates of speed. My perm will blow all seductive-like in the air. My jeans are stone-washed and add to the aero-dynamicness that I need to be the bad ass fast bacwards skater that I am. During Couple Skate, I will pretend that I am thirsty for a PowerAid and will drink it in the corner next to the video arcade machines because Couple Skating is just plain stupid. I will wipe away the sweat from my brow with a small towel that I carry in my skate caddy and will kick all your asses in an undeclared race that you have no idea that you're a participant in. You will all bow to my skating glory and will never know the sweet pleasure that is "Ms. Bad Ass Skater."
Mr. 1979: Whoooooo! Skating is coool! I'm serious- roller skating is an art form that will never die! I personally own 6 copies of different roller skating choreography books and am a professional roller skating choreographer for the greater Austin area. I've been skating since you were just a zygote in your mother's tummy and I can tell you what- it's never too late to skate! I can tell you! I was once in a horrible Thigh Master accident that I thought would destroy my roller skating career forever. However, with my faith in God and the powerful words of ABBA, I was able to overcome my groin injury and have never skated better. I am the inventor of the "Cattle Run Organic Spin Technique" or C.R.O.S.T. as I call it. James McGraffin, a guy in Lubbock, says that I stole the C.R.O.S.T. from him at the Hanes Her Way Galveston Skate Off Competition in 1985, but that is a complete and total lie. His move- the "Run Of The Cattle Original Turn Style" and my C.R.O.S.T are completely different. My technique has jazz hands. His style doesn't. Totally different. Oh, excuse me, "Dancing Queen" is on and my skates just can't resist an open rink floor. Look out world, here I come!
Mr. & Ms. Make-Out: Their parents forbade them to date after Mr. Make-Out broke Ms. Make-Out's Dad's car's windshield when he flew into it. "Flew" might be in appropriate because, technically, he was thrown into it after Ms. Make-Out drove into him after they had a fight at the bowling alley. The roller skating rink is their safeplace, their hide-away if you will. They'll only skate on songs that relate to their true love, like "Baby Got Back" and that song from Titanic that's sung by that French lady. Ms. Make-Out always skates in front of Mr. Make-out, who keeps his hands on her hips the entire time while his eyes are completely attached to Ms. Make-Out's ass. When they're not skating, they retreat to the darkest corner of the skating rink and make-out. Once, they totally had oral sex back there. No one even saw them because it was Neon Night. Ms. Make-Out totally thought she was pregnant the day afterwards but then realized that she drank a Shasta Moon Mist that night, so the with-child hysteria ceased. Once, Mr. Make-Out got really pissed off because Ms. Make-Out was talking to Counter boy and was giggling too loud. He grabbed her by the arm, pulled off the class ring he gave her and threw it on the rink's floor. (Mr. 1979 skated over it and almost fell, but recovered using the famous "Cliff Wrench Dally Loop".) Ms. Make-Out called him a "posessive jerk" which she knew would piss him off since he was on probabtion for Posession of Marijuana- and everyone knew that it was really his cousin's pot, but that's besides the point. Ms. Make-Out then ran (glided) outside the rink and procedded to kick his Ford F-150 truck with her stopper. He went outside afterwards, apologized, and asked her to marry him. They then made-out in the back of his truck. It was very romantic, ya'll.
Counter Boy: I am so above this place. I only work here because my Uncle's the owner. But it sucks. Look at these muscles- I should be a professional race car driver or, at the very least, competitve weight lifter. But my Mom forced me to work here because it's been the Family Business since 1992. I hate it. I get my revenge by fraying the end of all the shoelaces on the rental skates, making it impossible for anyone to properly lace the damn things. Sometimes I tighten only one wheel and loosen all the others on some of the skates because I like watching those fucking skating pussies fall on their faggoty asses. Roller skating is so gay. I'd totally rather be at the gym, working up a sweat on my big ol' muscles with Bruce and Todd, my weight lifting buddies. There's nothing less gay then sweating with your buddies and retreating to the showers where we then talk about Bay Watch and how much we jack off. Dammit. I hate this place. I'm gonna go piss on the toilets now and not clean it up. Fuck this place.
Mr. Rink DJ: Music is my life. I am a professional spinner. All those people out there having a good time? Yeah- that's because of me and my muscial talent. The people here love me! You can see the joyful expressions in their faces when I say, "Hey yaaaaaaaaaa'llll! It's time to skate in the other directions! Be saaaaaaaaafe!" or my favorite phrase: "Don't be late! Let's couple skate!" I like to rhyme. I'm good at it and that's no lie-it. See?
The Soul Train Squad: We could be on Soul Train. If only Soul Train would allow roller skating line dancing. So far we've started a petition here at the rink that we're planning on sending into the network people demanding that roller skating line dancing be allowed on the program. Why should gyrating and ass grinding be allowed and not roller skating line dancing? We just don't get it. But, in the meantime, we will continue to coordinate our outfits and hang out in the back part of the rink where we can concentrate heavily on our syncropation and timing. We're sure that as soon as we master the roller skate-backwards-moon-walk chain, Soul Train will be calling. No Doubt. It ain't just a band.
Jesus: Sometimes a guy just needs to get away from it all, you know what I'm saying? When I'm stressed out with all my day-to-day pressures, I like to strap on a pair of roller skating sandals, let my hair down and just skate around a large circle. The Hokey Pokey brings out the holiest in us all, and man-oh-man, do I love the Birdie Dance. Dunna nunna nunnun nah. Dunna nunna nunnun nah. Dunna nunna nunnun nah nah! Clap clap clap clap! Holy Me, that's so much fun. I forget about all my worries and cares and responsibilities and just let the weight of the world and all those sinful souls melt away as I shake my holy ass to the down beats of Snoop Doggy Dawg. Amen! Skating is Godly! If you don't take my word for it... well, then, you're going to hell.
Ms. Woman Who Reads A Book While Her Husband Macs on 16-Year-Olds: Jim's just having one of those mid-life crisis moments. He's had a bunch of them in the past, about 5. He's very mature for his age (31), that's why I think he's had so many. Last time he had one the only way he could recoup was going to Las Vegas by himself and my neighbor Beverly for a few days. They're really close. He's one of those guys that has a bunch of really close women friends. That's why he's always talking and hugging those 16-year-old girls. We don't have children because Jim says that he would love them too much that he wouldn't be able to stay married, so I guess that coming to this skating rink helps him with all those fatherly instincts he has. He's a great role model... always teaching the young girls how to use their glutes and sternum to skate better. I asked once if I could possibly get a skating lesson from him, but he said that I was too delicate and fragile. Plus, he was afraid that I would distract him from concentrating on helping those poor disadvantaged young, viril, horny girls. So I just come to the rink with him and read a book. It's very important for couples to do things together- you know? Like, you know, watching each other play basketball. Or, watching the other one watch football. Or, you know, watching the other one fuck your neighbor Beverly. It's what makes marriages last longer... being supportive and all. Oh! Jim's calling me... hahahah. "Bitch!" That's what is my nickname for him. He's so playful!