Oh man oh man.
So the midget has a bit of a drinking problem.
And a bit of a drug problem
And let's not forget his mullet.
I've got a couple of stories to pass on:
Friday night. Ladeeleroy arrives home after making a quick beer run at the local HEB. She gets out of her car and low and behold the midget is out and is in full force entertaining the neighbors of my glorious ghetto complex. I make a quick salutation and rush inside my door before I can get caught in an uncomfortable situation of talking to these people. However, I cannot resist the fact that I can hear the conversation that is happening practically outside my door.
Midget: (Slurring) I's tell yous whats hes gonna to hears. Daz de honest troof of it. When dat Bin Ladeeladen comez ovah to MY hizzouse, he's gonna hear nuffing but da tick tick tick BOOM of ah fucking bombs dat I'll be planting in hiz azz.
Neighbor: (Realizing that the Midget is increidbly wasted.) Yeah man. But you have to understand that it would probably be pretty hard for Bin Laden to even come to America, so you really don't need to worry about him coming to your house. I mean, with the heightened security of airports and all that.
Midget: (Growing hostile.)I can fucking keek his azz. You're da asshole. You fink that your shit don't stink? Your shit stinks. I can smell your shitty stink of shit all the way ovah in my hizzouse. You're the shitty asshole. Asshole.
Neighbor: (Trying to quelch laughter.) Hey man. It's all good. We're compadres, neighbor. There's no need for ass kicking to come between-
Midget: I'll fucking do it too. I'll kick your ass you ass hole. I'll kick you right in your numb nuts you sonafabitch. Coz I'm fucked now dude. I'm fucked now. And you don't want to mess wif me when I'm fucked cause I gots the power of the people running thru me right now and I'll kick your ass you asshole.
Neighbor: Hey, dude. Let's be cool. Let's not get all hostile. There's enough hostile shit going on in the world right now that we don't need to have hostility on our doorstep. Know what I'm saying?
Midget: Will you take me to the store to buy more beer? I needs me some mores.
Neighbor: I think you've had enough all ready. Maybe you should just kind of chill right now.
Midget: Fuck you azzhole!! I'm not drunk. I'm tripping man. I'm shroomin' my fucking short balls off right now.
Neighbor: (Laughing) You're shooromin' your short balls off now? Man! You don't need some beers man!
Midget: I'm saying dude. I'm gonna fuck that Bin Laden's ass if he fucts with me. That's what I'm saying. I'll pull some fucking Carol Chan on his ass and totally-
Neighbor: (Laughing harder.) Carol Chan? I think you mean Jackie Chan. You're getting him mixed up with Carol Channing...
Midget: I'll kick both their asses. I'll can the Channing and I'll kick like the Chan. You've gots to be watching out because I'll be all king fu up on your shit so don't fuck with my stuff! Asshole.
Neighbor: (Growing weery of this conversation.) All right all right dude. No need for the viloence. We're chill. We're chill.
Midget: Coz I'll be all over you like Rubber Maid on a tire. I'll be all up on you like white on a tire.
Neighbor: Dude, you're fucked up. You need to go upstairs and just crash, man. Just go upstairs and crash, yo.
Midget: Fuck man. Fuck. My shower don't work. Can I take a shower at your place?
Neighbor: (Slowly backing into his apratment.) Naw dude. You need to call and get your shower fixed. Sorry man. Just call the manager and he'll get your shit hooked up right.
Midget: I'll kick your ass you fucking azzhole.
Neighbor: Yeah, I got that part. G' Nigh man.
Midget: Fuck you..... mother fucker... asshole.. I'll ... I'll.... tick tick tick tick tick BOOM.... ahahahahhahahaaaaaaahahah. ... G' Night stink shit. Ahahahhahahahahaha.
Neighbor: (Closing Door.) Yeah. Good night. Drink some water dude.
And then the door closed and I heard the midget slowly climb up the stairs to his residence and closed the door. He lives above the apartment next to me and I promise you, the second his door closed, I could hear his little body just fall and collapse on the floor. A slight moan emerged from my ceiling, followed by a muffled "Fuuuuuuuuuck..."
The next day I recalled my experiences with my group of friends who are quite aware of the circus atmosphere that I live in.
Once before we'd had an encounter with the midget when we were outside my apartment taking a break. It wasn't anything spectacular, but it was the first time that I knew the midget was quite fond of drinking and drugging.
Midget: I can't sleep cause my brain's all in knots dude. This fucking rain is tying it in knots.
Ladeeleroy: (Afraid to make eye contact). Why's that?
Midget: Cause I'm fucking tripping on acid. I'm fucking watching the colors and the rain keeps tying my brain up in knots.
This was my first indication that the midget had other problems besides being a midget. (Not that that's a problem, it's more of an inconvenience.) It was only further validated by the story told above as well as Newman's encounter with him.