I woke up this morning and this note was taped to my forehead:
Good Morning! I hope you slept well. Did you know that you drool? Well you do. It looks good on you though.
I'm going to go on a vacation for a bit. I'm tired of constantly carrying your ass around and reassuring you that everything is going to be okay.
How many times have I told you you're beautiful? How many times have I told you that you're a wonderful human being?
Yes, you will some day fall in love.
Yes, you will have a happy life.
Yes, the Baby Jesus does love you. No, you didn't make him cry with that crucifixion/mustard dispenser joke.
So just fucking chill out and quit worrying about stuff that you can't control.
You also are out of toilet paper. I thought I would remind you to get some on your way back from work. Or just steal a roll from work like usual. It's all good. Why? Because you're all good.
I'll send you a postcard when I get to where I'm going. Not really sure when I'm coming back but I hope you enjoy this time to get your shit in order.
Your Self Confidence."
Now that's a bitch to wake up to. I thought I was doing okay, but apparently not because Self Confidence decided to take a bit of a vacation.
When I went to brush my teeth after not being able to wipe my ass properly this morning, this was taped to the mirror:
"Word up ho.
I gots to take care of some bidness back in my old school neighborhood. Me and some of my homies gonna split for a bit and we'll be back sometime laterz. I'd like to give a shout out to my niggas Wit and Timing because I know that they're going to be lost for a while without my ass around.
I'm pouring out my OE 800 as a sign of all the tears that have been shed over jokes poorly delivered and hap-hap-hazardly used on folx that ain't be deserving.
Your Sense of Humor"
No Confidence for awhile, No Sense of Humor for a bit. What is a cool gal to do with herself?
I walked into my living room.
And it was sitting there.
"Hey Mediocrity. Long time no see."
"Yeah. Did you know that your out of toilet paper?"
"Yeah. I saw that... So how long are you staying?"
"I dunno. Until things get interesting."
"When is that going to be?"
"Obvioulsy not anytime soon."
"What? Hey. Things are interesting right now. I'm working. I'm hanging out with friends. I've got a booty connection."
"And where is this so-called 'booty-connection'? I don't see him anywhere."
"Um. He's in California."
"Has he called?"
"Has he e-mailed like he said he would?"
"I rest my case. Pass me a bland Mr. Pibb."
"Wait a second Mediocrity. Just because Ace of Bass hasn't contacted me in anyway doesn't meant that my life is suddenly mediocre."
"Hey, chick-a-dee. You're telling the wrong person. I'm just here to you know, sit aroud, and you know, stuuufff."
"Well who sould I be telling this to?"
"Yourself. You're the one who's been sitting around worrying about what some guy is doing in another state. Why the hell should you care? He's not your boyfriend. You know you're not going to marry this guy. Yeah, he's nice and sweet and funny and is a good lay, but Holy Jebus, girl. Look at yourself. You've cried over a situation that you can't control and now you're going to sit around your apartment, waiting to hear back from some guy on whether he slept with a California Roll? What the hell? You're Ladeeleroy. Who gives a flying flip what this guy does. If he sleeps with her, good- get him out of your life ta-ta-good-bye-catch-you-on-the-flip-side. Bam! You just found out he's not worth it. If comes back and it turns out he didn't sleep with her- well, fucking A. You got a guy you can trust and la-tee-da la-tee-da- you wasted an entire week and a half of your life sitting around worrying all for nothing. Either way it turns out- you're just wasting precious energy that could be spent on better things."
"I dunno. Popsicle stick lampshades or something."
"Those are pretty useless."
"Gimme a fucking break, I'm Mediocrity over here. It's the best I can do."
"I know you're right but I'm having a hard time doing that. I'm having a hard time getting it out of my mind. I just really like this guy and he's got good potential to be a guy that I could keep around for a bit. But dammit, you're right. This is so not chick. It's girl. I'm not girl. I'm chick. .... and... and.... fuck it, I'm girl right now. Can't do nothing about it. I'm just going to have to wait until he comes back in town and everything is worked out and then I can move onward and you can move out."
"Yeah. Whatever. In the meantime, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Is that cool?"
"Yeah. It's cool. Hey- I made some okra- you want some? I know okra is your favorite..."
"No it isn't. Why would you think it's my favorite?"
"Oh you know... okra.... Mediocrity."
"Oh shit. Sense of Humor's out of town isn't he?"