This is going to be a boring entry. Feel free to stop reading now and my feelings won't be hurt.
For those of you still reading on, fabulous.
So you've probably noticed that I haven't written an entry in a while. There is a perfect explanation for this.
I've been busy. I've been busy getting busy.
Insert your Hi-5 here.
It's really a very good thing, people. There was a good 9 month drought going on there for a bit. I was afraid that perhaps my vagina had just inverted itself and decided to become a belly button because navels are trendy.
But it didn't. Huzzah.
A list of things Ladeeleroy remembered about having sex that she had previously forgotten:
1) Stretch before hand. Do it in the bathroom before sexual activities commence. Don't forget to breathe and don't forget your hamstrings. These will prove to be handy later on.
2) Remove rings. They will only hinder any kind of hand play and there's nothing sexy about the comment, "Your thumb ring is starting to chafe my dick." There is also no sexual appeal about a girl sucking on her fingers trying to remove a ring while at the sametime keeping partner stimulated. Well, maybe some appeal, but only for the very sexaully deprived.
3) Do not smack partner's ass afterwards- especially when said partner is not expecting it. This will only confuse them and leave a red mark that will not fade until next afternoon. Partner will also be secretly plotting when revenge for smack can be carried out.
4) Remove stuffed animals from bed. You're 23. You're getting some. Mr. Bear and Mr. Dog do not need to witness this. Hide in laundry basket at foot of bed while partner is looking other direction.
5) Do not eat a large meal before hand. It's kind of like swimming- wait 30 minutes and then jump into pool or what have you. If rule is ignored, cramps will be your prize.
6) Do not listen to Steve Hicks stand-up in background. You will laugh at inappropriate moments.
7) Everyone queefs. Do not fret. Everyone queefs. You are still hot. You are still sexy. You just have a build up of air. It happens. Chill out. Dont' apologize again and again. Once is more than enough. You're human. Write a letter to YM at a later date. Be sure to include the phrase "Is that normal?" at least twice.
8) Turn down volume on answering machine. Mom has inner instinct to call at inappropriate times and leave messages saying, "I can see why your attracted to Kevin Spacey. I bet he is gay, but I can see where you think he has nice sex appeal."
9) Don't forget to breathe.
10) Accept compliments on sexual prowess with confidence. Do not respond with, "Well duh."
And that's it. I'm quite content. Now the weird part is figuring out what exactly I am to Ace of Bass. I'm not his girlfriend, because I think it's a little too early to give him title of 'boyfriend.' I think it is safe to say that we're 'seeing each other' because, well, we have seen each other naked. 'Dating', yeah. We're dating although I doubt I'd say that out loud to my friends or what not. When he's introduced me to friends, I'm always "My friend Ladeeleroy." That's a little iffy, but at the sametime, I don't think I'd want to be "This is the chick I'm presently copulating with but without any determined relationship boundaries, Ladeeleroy."
I'm not coming across as a slut am I? Because I'm not. I'm a woman of the 2000s. This is what I want to do. I don't want to get bogged down quite yet with a heavy relationship thing, but dammit, the courtship part sure is a blast.
All right. I've typed enough. Apologies if this was too much information but my brain is a little distracted right now due to havy use of pheromones. Sweet sweet pheromones. I'm addicted. Do not help me quite yet. You'll know when an intervention is needed when I've got a pillowcase tied around my neck for easy smelling access.
Ah yes. Sex is a good thing. Ah yes.
PS. Look what I just got in the mail today. I am one happy chick.